Christmas Tears

So here it is Christmas Eve and it’s been 7 Christmases without you.  The house is finally quiet and the stockings are hung but yours will remain empty.  Christmas Eve is always tough for me. I think it is the quiet of the night. We always go to church together as a family and again for the 7th straight year I can not make it through Silent Night without tears. At church tonight as the first tear was shed Izzy gave me the biggest hug like she knew some how I needed it at that very moment. It’s always been my thing and I think my family knows I must always be holding my youngest during Silent Night just for that added comfort.  The girls were angels tonight in the Nativity play and they were so cute, but there is always a part of me that thinks about how I will never have a Shepard or Wise Man up there, because I know Asher you would have been the very best one.

I sit here by the light of the Christmas tree wondering what you face would look like on Christmas morning. I will never get to see that smile, or hear you giggle or see your excitement when you realize that Santa came. What would you ask for?  Every year around this time there are kids letters to Santa in the newspaper and I always go and read the ones of boys that are the same age as you would be. I see what they are asking for for Christmas. I wish I were an expert in boys toys like I am girls ones, but I will never know what you would like. I will never see that smile or hear your laugh here on earth and that breaks my heart.

As sad as I am that you are not hear with us, I know you always get the best Christmas ever because you get to celebrate with Jesus each year. I can’t even imagine what it must be like in Heaven on Christmas morning. I can’t wait to someday celebrate with you.

It seems like time goes so fast any more. I feel so guilty for not getting out to Asher’s grave this year to put up his Christmas tree. I never thought I would go a day without going out to see him but I have and I hate that the days go so fast I barely find time for much extra. And then I feel more guilty for not making him more of a priority. 

I can’t wait to wake up Christmas morning and see the smiles on Olivia, Saige, and Izzy’s faces and to see their excitement. But there is always that pain of not seeing Ashers.  Isn’t it crazy how your heart can be so full but at the same time be broken?