I have been trying to figure out what to write for a couple day s now. I take that back I have so many things I want to say but I just don’t know how to get them out. 2020 has been an interesting year to say the least. We have been home bound what seems like forever. We can’t go out because we don’t want anyone to get Covid-19. For any of you who has seen our house you know it isn’t very big and lately it feels like the walls have been closing in on me. All the yelling and fighting and the lack of space can get to a person. This last week especially all I feel like I have done is yell I feel like. I’m tired and irritable and then feel super guilty for yelling all the time. The littlest mess sends me anxiety over the edge. I tell myself that after July 20th it will get better, I will feel better. But the truth is the pain still hasn’t gone away and I wonder if it ever will.
There is so much pain and anger still in my heart. Yes some days are better than others but I sit and wonder will it ever go away. Will I ever stop being angry at God, will I ever stop being angry at myself? The anger with myself I don’t know how to get over that. I still feel like Asher’s death was some how my fault. I should have known there was something wrong. I should have done more. I will forever be angry at my body for betraying me.
As for God, I know he can take it. Still to this day it is hard for me to walk through those church doors. I feel alone and scared. What if something makes me cry? What if I don’t appear to be strong for my family? Even though I am angry with God, I have probably prayed harder this year than I have in years past. Prayed for health and healing for a dear sweet girl. I was so happy that everything worked out there because I couldn’t bare another parent having to go through what I did when I had to plan that funeral for a child. Planning that funeral was the most difficult thing I have had to do. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, they were asking all these questions I didn’t know the answer to. I didn’t want to be there, I was still in shock I wanted to be in my bed curled up in a ball. I wanted to be alone but yet I wanted people there at the same time.
Then there is this part of me that doesn’t feel like my family is complete. I honestly don’t think It will ever feel complete. My heart is always going to long for a boy. If Asher would have lived would my family have felt complete then, I’m really not sure. Would I still have had the urge to have another baby? I long to have a boy so badly. If I had all the money in the world I would adopt a baby boy in a second. I love all my girls deeply but there is still a hole in my heart and I feel like there always will be.
I always sit and wonder how life would have been different had Asher lived. Would we still be in the house we are today, would I be working at the job I am now. Some days I long to go back to before everything happened. Was I happy then? I know I was young and innocent and had no idea the heartache that life could cause a person. I have always been prone to anxiety and depression but Asher death sent me into a tail spin. I am a firm believer that mental health is super important and I wish that going to therapy didn’t cost so much because I know people could really benefit from it. I know I could.
There are days when I am so tired from putting on the “happy” act. The truth is I am in a lot of pain it weighs heavily on my shoulders and I wonder what it would feel like to just have it lifted from me for one day. I’m sure I would feel so light.. Every morning I get up I feel like I pick up my pain and anxiety and load it up to go through another day. If others only knew all the things that run through my head, all the pain and sadness that I carry around. I feel like it would take days and many many tears to explain everything that I feel and the pain I carry with me.
I do love my family with all my heart and soul and I know I can’t change anything that has already happened. All I can do is take it one day at a time and sometimes just one minute at a time. Because just like the last 8 years the days, weeks, and years will continue to pass and maybe just maybe I will find the courage and strength to confront my pain and anger head on and finally be able to wake up with a lighter load to carry.
