So today Olivia shook me to my core. And left me with more questions than answers. Can an angel really communicate with us? Does the innocence of a child cause them to see things we can't? Does my 2 year really understand what happened? Does Olivia know how profound she is for her age? Does she realize that what she said to me this morning might just change everything for me? Now I believe in angels and I would consider myself faithful. Since Asher's death I have been reading about heaven and trying to deicde what it would be like for Asher up there. Now we talk to Olivia about Asher quite a bit. We just tell her Asher is with Jesus in heaven and that he is an angel. But I don't remember talking to her about him yesterday.
Yesterday was like any other day for Olivia, nothing unusual happened to her that I know of. She slept all night last night, didn't hear a peep out of her until 5:45. Now that is unlike her because I usually have to get up and cover her up when she wakes up in the night. So I don't know if she slept really soundly or what. But this morning she was in a great mood. I got her dressed and she was watching cartoons in the chair. I had just got done washing my face and stuff in the bathroom and I was starting to get dressed.
Olivia comes running into the bedroom. "Mommy" she said, "I miss Asher." (Now I do tell her I miss Asher a lot when she can see that I am sad.) And I bent down and I said, "Mommy misses Asher too." Then hugging me super tight she said, "Mommy the angel Asher said to be brave." And then she let go of me and ran off to the living room. Now I was rocked to the core, still am. I just stood there and cried. Had Asher really talked to Olivia? Did she really see him? About ten minutes later I was putting on her shoes and I wanted to know more. I simply asked, "Olivia did you talk to Asher." And she said, "ya and I gave him a kiss." And that was it. I really hope she got to meet her brother. That is one of the biggest regrets I have, not letting Olivia hold her brother. I just didn't know how much she could take. She seen him at the funeral and she has pictures of him in her room.
How much does a two year old really know? Does she know more than I think she does? Every night when I pray and talk to Asher I simply ask him to give me some sort of sign that he is thinking of me. Maybe this was it. I don't know but I am going to hold on to this. And I think Olivia, Chris, and I should follow Asher's words to be brave.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Six Months
Asher would have been six months old today, and things aren't getting any easier for me. It seems like yesterday I was laying in the hospital bed and the doctor told me he was not alive any more. I don't know if it is normal or not, but I still cry EVERYDAY. There hasn't been a day in six months where I haven't cried. I usually cry when I am in bed soaking my pillow with many tears. His picture is by my bed and it is the last thing I look at before I go to sleep and the first thing I see in the morning. I still don't know if it has been a long six months or a short six months. I just hate that the days keep coming and I am still standing here without the thing I wanted most.
I find myself thinking about what Asher would be doing now. He would be smiling a lot and babbling and maybe even starting to crawl. Six months is a fun age and I just hate that I don't get to experience it with him. I found some of the newborn clothes and diapers the other day and I just broke down. He was supposed to wear those. It's not fair that he never go to wear them. He will only every wear one outfit and that was the one he was buried in. I don't even know if they put a diaper on him. I know that doesn't matter but I would like to think he had that small diaper on him. I remember his face very clearly, but I don't really remember his little toes and the rest of him. I wish I would have unwraped him more and gotten to know everything about him.
I picked out yarn for my next baby blanket, no I'm not pregnant and I hope I am not cursing myself by starting on the next one, but I just needed to do something. Olivia has a blanket I knit for her, and Asher was buried with the blanket I knit for him. It wasn't finished yet, but it was the perfect size for him. We hope to start trying again soon even though we are both terrified that something bad will happen again.
I went to my work Christmas party tonight and it is so hard to put on that happy face when really you are still aching inside. You never know what people are thinking about you. Sometimes I feel like people look at me and think oh there is that mom that lost her baby. I don't know it was just a hard night trying to be happy but also knowing that Asher should have been six months old today.
I am still struggling going back to church. I know I should go, but it is so hard to walk through that door. That is the last place I seen my babys face. I am also still angry at God for taking him from me. I am trying to read the Bible everynight and for now I hope that is enough because I'm just not ready to go back to church. I still pray, but it is with a guarded heart because I feel like God isn't listening or answering my prayers right now. I tell Him how angry I am with him and that he owes me a baby. And I know God doesn't owe me anything, but I also know He can take my anger and he understands I eventually will come around. I'm just not ready yet.
All this has just made life so hard. It is like hitting rock bottom. I have always struggled with happiness and self confidence and this really didn't help but bring me almost to a breaking point. I would like to hope that things would start getting better soon. But I said that after Asher died and then had a miscarriage so who knows. I guess I will continue to take things day by day, because right now that is all I have the energy for and most days that is tough.
Happy Six Month Birthday Asher. Mommy loves and misses you so so much.
I find myself thinking about what Asher would be doing now. He would be smiling a lot and babbling and maybe even starting to crawl. Six months is a fun age and I just hate that I don't get to experience it with him. I found some of the newborn clothes and diapers the other day and I just broke down. He was supposed to wear those. It's not fair that he never go to wear them. He will only every wear one outfit and that was the one he was buried in. I don't even know if they put a diaper on him. I know that doesn't matter but I would like to think he had that small diaper on him. I remember his face very clearly, but I don't really remember his little toes and the rest of him. I wish I would have unwraped him more and gotten to know everything about him.
I picked out yarn for my next baby blanket, no I'm not pregnant and I hope I am not cursing myself by starting on the next one, but I just needed to do something. Olivia has a blanket I knit for her, and Asher was buried with the blanket I knit for him. It wasn't finished yet, but it was the perfect size for him. We hope to start trying again soon even though we are both terrified that something bad will happen again.
I went to my work Christmas party tonight and it is so hard to put on that happy face when really you are still aching inside. You never know what people are thinking about you. Sometimes I feel like people look at me and think oh there is that mom that lost her baby. I don't know it was just a hard night trying to be happy but also knowing that Asher should have been six months old today.
I am still struggling going back to church. I know I should go, but it is so hard to walk through that door. That is the last place I seen my babys face. I am also still angry at God for taking him from me. I am trying to read the Bible everynight and for now I hope that is enough because I'm just not ready to go back to church. I still pray, but it is with a guarded heart because I feel like God isn't listening or answering my prayers right now. I tell Him how angry I am with him and that he owes me a baby. And I know God doesn't owe me anything, but I also know He can take my anger and he understands I eventually will come around. I'm just not ready yet.
All this has just made life so hard. It is like hitting rock bottom. I have always struggled with happiness and self confidence and this really didn't help but bring me almost to a breaking point. I would like to hope that things would start getting better soon. But I said that after Asher died and then had a miscarriage so who knows. I guess I will continue to take things day by day, because right now that is all I have the energy for and most days that is tough.
Happy Six Month Birthday Asher. Mommy loves and misses you so so much.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
"Comforting" Words
So today I was thinking about all the "comforting" words that people have said to me since Asher has died. Now I don't want to seem rude or anything but they really haven't all been that comforting. I was told by my counselor it is just people saying things because they think they should say something. And most of the time it makes matters worse.
God only gives you what you can handle: So does God think I cannot handle two children? I hope not because that would be horrible for me. Also, burying Asher and the pain of going through labor to deliver a baby who you know is going to be born into heaven was way more than I could handle. It is still more than I can handle. I did not want to be doing this in my life. I wanted to have my daughter and my son and be living as one happy family. Instead I worry that my saddness is some how going to screw Olivia up emotionally. I worry she isn't getting the best of her mommy because I am so sad all the time. If God only gives me what I can handle then he can have this back because it is WAY mroe than I want to handle.
You have Olivia: I know I have Olivia and she has been a blessing for me. She has gotten me through some really tough times. But I don't have Asher and she has lost a brother. She is too small to understand what that means, but she knows he is in heaven. Olivia has comforted me when I have been crying and made me laugh when I never thought I would again. But it isn't the same. I was supposed to having two living children with me not one.
You can try again/ you will have another baby: While now I want another baby really bad. It's almost like an obsession. Don't say that too me because I WANTED Asher, I WANTED that baby. I spent 38 weeks waiting for him only to have him taken away. I do hope someday to have another baby and I hope it is this year. But after losing Asher and then having a miscarriage, my faith in God and my body has taken a big hit. So I hope to trust in God and my body again to try and get through a future pregnancy. I just hope God won't turn his back on me as I deal with my anger towards him for taking Asher.
You seem to get pregnant so easy: So what I seem to get pregnant really easy. I have only gotten to keep one baby I have been pregnant with. I am a natural worrier so can you imagine how I am going to deal with another pregnancy. It isn't going to be easy on my emotional or physical self. I just hope that I can continue to get pregnant "easy."
Time will help things: It may help things, but I hate time. It always seems like I am waiting right now. I need to wait before we try to have another baby. So far time has not made things better for me. How much time will it take, I do not know. The more time that passes all I can think about is that much time that Asher has not been with me. I hate time.
Sometimes the best things to say to me is nothing. It is to be there to give me a hug and let me cry on your shoulder. People think that taking about Asher will only make it worse. But the truth is I love talking about my baby. I may cry when I do it, but it means so much to me to know you care enough to ask about him. Many people don't know that I go see him everyday at the cemetery so I talk to him a lot. I have found that for the first couple of weeks people would ask how I am doing. But now it seems that they have stopped asking. Maybe it is because I am still doing just "ok" as I put it. Maybe they don't want me to bring them down. I don't know. But in reality I am doing pretty crappy still. I hate waking up everyday without Asher. I go through the motions of life, but I don't like my life right now. I don't know when/how it is going to get better. I realize another baby is not going to magically make things better. I will never be better. I will always have a hole in my heart where Ahser is supposed to be. Another baby will never replace him, but it sure would be nice to have something to hope for and look forward to. Something to maybe take my mind off things for a few mintues. Because my mind is ALWAYS on Asher and that day I gave birth to him and the day I had to bury him in the ground. I love and miss you Asher.
God only gives you what you can handle: So does God think I cannot handle two children? I hope not because that would be horrible for me. Also, burying Asher and the pain of going through labor to deliver a baby who you know is going to be born into heaven was way more than I could handle. It is still more than I can handle. I did not want to be doing this in my life. I wanted to have my daughter and my son and be living as one happy family. Instead I worry that my saddness is some how going to screw Olivia up emotionally. I worry she isn't getting the best of her mommy because I am so sad all the time. If God only gives me what I can handle then he can have this back because it is WAY mroe than I want to handle.
You have Olivia: I know I have Olivia and she has been a blessing for me. She has gotten me through some really tough times. But I don't have Asher and she has lost a brother. She is too small to understand what that means, but she knows he is in heaven. Olivia has comforted me when I have been crying and made me laugh when I never thought I would again. But it isn't the same. I was supposed to having two living children with me not one.
You can try again/ you will have another baby: While now I want another baby really bad. It's almost like an obsession. Don't say that too me because I WANTED Asher, I WANTED that baby. I spent 38 weeks waiting for him only to have him taken away. I do hope someday to have another baby and I hope it is this year. But after losing Asher and then having a miscarriage, my faith in God and my body has taken a big hit. So I hope to trust in God and my body again to try and get through a future pregnancy. I just hope God won't turn his back on me as I deal with my anger towards him for taking Asher.
You seem to get pregnant so easy: So what I seem to get pregnant really easy. I have only gotten to keep one baby I have been pregnant with. I am a natural worrier so can you imagine how I am going to deal with another pregnancy. It isn't going to be easy on my emotional or physical self. I just hope that I can continue to get pregnant "easy."
Time will help things: It may help things, but I hate time. It always seems like I am waiting right now. I need to wait before we try to have another baby. So far time has not made things better for me. How much time will it take, I do not know. The more time that passes all I can think about is that much time that Asher has not been with me. I hate time.
Sometimes the best things to say to me is nothing. It is to be there to give me a hug and let me cry on your shoulder. People think that taking about Asher will only make it worse. But the truth is I love talking about my baby. I may cry when I do it, but it means so much to me to know you care enough to ask about him. Many people don't know that I go see him everyday at the cemetery so I talk to him a lot. I have found that for the first couple of weeks people would ask how I am doing. But now it seems that they have stopped asking. Maybe it is because I am still doing just "ok" as I put it. Maybe they don't want me to bring them down. I don't know. But in reality I am doing pretty crappy still. I hate waking up everyday without Asher. I go through the motions of life, but I don't like my life right now. I don't know when/how it is going to get better. I realize another baby is not going to magically make things better. I will never be better. I will always have a hole in my heart where Ahser is supposed to be. Another baby will never replace him, but it sure would be nice to have something to hope for and look forward to. Something to maybe take my mind off things for a few mintues. Because my mind is ALWAYS on Asher and that day I gave birth to him and the day I had to bury him in the ground. I love and miss you Asher.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Many Tears
Not really sure what I want to write about this time, but I am just missing Asher like crazy. I am so tired of seeing pictures of new babies and hearing about all the happy pregnant people. I know I should be happy for them, but I just can't be right now. I find myself getting very angry. I just want to break stuff and scream. Which isn't like me at all. I guess Asher's death really did change me. I hope someday I will find myself a better person, but for right now you have to take me as I am. I just want to be pregnant with a baby. I just see pregnant people and want to scream, "your baby could die, mine did." I just want someone to understand me. I hate winter anyway, but this one I feel especially alone in the world. I know I have friends and family who love ma and are there for me, but I just don't know how to talk about things. I feel like they are going to think I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy half the time.
This year was supposed to be better, but so far it has had many tears. I have cried everyday since July 20th, somedays there are more tears than others, but I can honestly say I have cried everyday over something. I had an ultrasound this past week to make sure things were looking ok and lets just say things didn't go well. I someone how a gut feeling it was going to be bad. I won't get into specifics here just waiting for the doctor to call back to tell me what's next. The doctor yelled at me and told me I was being selfish for wanting another baby. Not sure what his deal was but it really made me upset. I wanted to scream at him but all I could do was cry. Don't tell me I am being selfish when I had to put my baby in a grave. That is just not fair to say to me.
We have had some changes to our house, new paint and some new furniture. Some may think it's a fresh start, but I don't want to be in this house any more. There are too many bad memories here. Everytime I go down stairs and take a shower I think about the day I was in labor with Asher. Again I won't go into details but something happened in that bathroom. I need a new house a fresh start.
People keep telling me time will help. Well time sucks. I want time to fast forward so I can have a baby in my arms. I was time to rewind so I can know something was wrong with Asher and fix it. But I am just stuck in time. It will be six months since I lost him coming up. That's a half a year. It feels both like yesterday and a life time ago. Time sucks. The days take forever. I hate leaving the house I just want to stay home where I don't have to talk to people and don't have to put on this brave face. If only people knew that I am dying inside. That somedays I wonder if it would be easier to just be with Asher. I know that won't solve anything so I would never do it. But at least I would be with my baby again.
I have many questions about heaven. What will Asher look like when I see him? Will he be that same baby I held in my arms only briefly? Will he age and grow? Is he up there with my sister and grandpa? I like to think they are taking great care of him.
I also have so many fears. I fear I will lose another baby. I can't do this again I really can't manage. I fear Olivia will have to go through this someday. My mom lost two babies and now me. I don't want to see her in this much pain.
When will the happiness return? When will I go a day without tears? When will this hole in my heart seem less? When will I care about things I used to? I just don't know when.
This year was supposed to be better, but so far it has had many tears. I have cried everyday since July 20th, somedays there are more tears than others, but I can honestly say I have cried everyday over something. I had an ultrasound this past week to make sure things were looking ok and lets just say things didn't go well. I someone how a gut feeling it was going to be bad. I won't get into specifics here just waiting for the doctor to call back to tell me what's next. The doctor yelled at me and told me I was being selfish for wanting another baby. Not sure what his deal was but it really made me upset. I wanted to scream at him but all I could do was cry. Don't tell me I am being selfish when I had to put my baby in a grave. That is just not fair to say to me.
We have had some changes to our house, new paint and some new furniture. Some may think it's a fresh start, but I don't want to be in this house any more. There are too many bad memories here. Everytime I go down stairs and take a shower I think about the day I was in labor with Asher. Again I won't go into details but something happened in that bathroom. I need a new house a fresh start.
People keep telling me time will help. Well time sucks. I want time to fast forward so I can have a baby in my arms. I was time to rewind so I can know something was wrong with Asher and fix it. But I am just stuck in time. It will be six months since I lost him coming up. That's a half a year. It feels both like yesterday and a life time ago. Time sucks. The days take forever. I hate leaving the house I just want to stay home where I don't have to talk to people and don't have to put on this brave face. If only people knew that I am dying inside. That somedays I wonder if it would be easier to just be with Asher. I know that won't solve anything so I would never do it. But at least I would be with my baby again.
I have many questions about heaven. What will Asher look like when I see him? Will he be that same baby I held in my arms only briefly? Will he age and grow? Is he up there with my sister and grandpa? I like to think they are taking great care of him.
I also have so many fears. I fear I will lose another baby. I can't do this again I really can't manage. I fear Olivia will have to go through this someday. My mom lost two babies and now me. I don't want to see her in this much pain.
When will the happiness return? When will I go a day without tears? When will this hole in my heart seem less? When will I care about things I used to? I just don't know when.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
New Year
Well it's a new year. I sure hope 2013 is better than the last half of 2012. I celebrated the new year with family in my pajamas playing cards. It was bitter sweet to clink glasses with my 2 year old at midnight. (her milk cup to my adult beverage) I told 2012 to shove it. My aunt told me that my free pass is over. I told her until I got the baby I long for so much I didn't know how I would be. I know everyone says time helps, but everything still feels so raw. July 20th was an ordinary day for most, but it is one I relive everyday and it continues to haunt me. I will never forget that day EVER. As much as I try it will never go away. I try to remember the very little good of that day, but the bad always comes out. Asher was perfect. He had lots of red hair. He should of taken a breath, he looked like he should open his eyes. But there was nothing.
I am hoping we can bring a baby into our home this year. But it's hard for me to hope these days. I hoped for Asher and got nothing. I prayed for Asher and those prayers were not answered. I got pregnant again and parayed for that baby and miscarried. I know prayer is important but it's hard to pray when you feel like God is not listening to you. I have a ultrasound this week to make sure everything looks ok. Then I have to meet with a high risk doctor. Not sure what he will do, but we will see. I want to start trying again for another baby, but I am scared beyond belief. I can't go through another lose. It really will break me.
I wish I could be one of those happy pregnant people when I do get pregnant again. But I know that is not possible. I will be scared the entire time. I know what can happen. You can go nine months and be days away from bringing your baby into this world only to have them die. I just can't believe how much can go wrong in two days. I heard his heartbeat two days before he was born still. TWO DAYS BEFORE HE WAS FINE! That will forever haunt me. What did I do wrong? I should have known something was wrong. I want to have a happy pregnancy, but every appointment and ultrasound I know I am going to hold my breath waiting to hear that little heartbeat. Even a heartbeat is no guarentee the baby will live. I will have to go nine months of anxiety. I look at all the pregnant people now and just hope they don't have to go through this. But at the same time when I see there happy posts I just want to say you know what your baby could die. Mine did. It's not something people want to talk about, but maybe it should be. When it happens to you, you feel so alone. I am so glad I had a nurse who took care of me and did everything in her power to make sure I had things to remember my sweet Asher. I hope when it is time to deliver my next baby she can be there with me for this happy time. If she reads this I hope she knows how much she means to me. She cired with me and it meant so much to me. She could of stayed out of my room and not dealt with me, but she was always there making sure I was well taken care of.
My only resolution for this year is to have a baby in my arms by Christmas. Please keep me and my family in your prayers as we try to have another baby.
I am hoping we can bring a baby into our home this year. But it's hard for me to hope these days. I hoped for Asher and got nothing. I prayed for Asher and those prayers were not answered. I got pregnant again and parayed for that baby and miscarried. I know prayer is important but it's hard to pray when you feel like God is not listening to you. I have a ultrasound this week to make sure everything looks ok. Then I have to meet with a high risk doctor. Not sure what he will do, but we will see. I want to start trying again for another baby, but I am scared beyond belief. I can't go through another lose. It really will break me.
I wish I could be one of those happy pregnant people when I do get pregnant again. But I know that is not possible. I will be scared the entire time. I know what can happen. You can go nine months and be days away from bringing your baby into this world only to have them die. I just can't believe how much can go wrong in two days. I heard his heartbeat two days before he was born still. TWO DAYS BEFORE HE WAS FINE! That will forever haunt me. What did I do wrong? I should have known something was wrong. I want to have a happy pregnancy, but every appointment and ultrasound I know I am going to hold my breath waiting to hear that little heartbeat. Even a heartbeat is no guarentee the baby will live. I will have to go nine months of anxiety. I look at all the pregnant people now and just hope they don't have to go through this. But at the same time when I see there happy posts I just want to say you know what your baby could die. Mine did. It's not something people want to talk about, but maybe it should be. When it happens to you, you feel so alone. I am so glad I had a nurse who took care of me and did everything in her power to make sure I had things to remember my sweet Asher. I hope when it is time to deliver my next baby she can be there with me for this happy time. If she reads this I hope she knows how much she means to me. She cired with me and it meant so much to me. She could of stayed out of my room and not dealt with me, but she was always there making sure I was well taken care of.
My only resolution for this year is to have a baby in my arms by Christmas. Please keep me and my family in your prayers as we try to have another baby.
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