Izzy has given us some scares in her short week here. She lost a lot of weight and was very jaundice. She is now gaining weight and back up to 6 pounds. Her jaundice is also under control. She has had an upper GI already and found that she has reflux really bad, she is on special formula and medicine for that. We hope to see an improvement soon in her spitting up. It is so hard to see your baby so sleepy and eating and then constantly spilling it up out her mouth and nose. I thought we were going to have to put her back in the hospital. Breast feeding again did not go well. I was already sore before I left the hospital. I tried to pump, but with her reflux and weight loss it was too the point we just needed to get food in her some how. I of course felt like a failure because I again was not able to feed my child. I felt awful that she lost so much weight. Things were just not going good.
I thought they told me going from 2 to 3 was easy compared to 1 to 2 but I disagree. We have had a lot of challenges here. Saige and Olivia have been fighting like crazy and it is too the point I don't know what to do anymore. There were many times through out the day and night I would just break down and cry because I felt so overwhelmed. I felt like I would be judged for having another baby if I couldn't even handle the two I had. Saige needs to work on her listening skills and I felt myself creeping to the breaking point. I felt bad, but I really just wanted to hit something. I do not want to spank my children but it was coming to that point. I know the kids didn't want to see me so upset and frustrated but I didn't know what to do. Of course, when they are with other family they are perfect angels so why aren't they for me. I was starting to wonder why we even brought another one into this crazy house.
I have also been having lots of emotions as we approach what would have been Asher's 5th birthday. I can't believe it has been that long already. Some days it seems like yesterday I heard those horrifying words and others it feels so long ago. I miss him so much, especially when I seen Izzy she has hair just like him and she looks so much like him. I don't know if I will ever get over that heartbreak. I also am having trouble because this was my last chance to have a boy. Izzy is it, I can't go through another pregnancy emotionally or physically. If all goes as planned I want to have everything removed. I just so badly wanted a boy, I feel so bad for Chris he will never have a boy to raise and to carry on his name. He said he didn't care what I had when I was pregnant with Izzy, but I seen his face when we passed the baby boy clothes and the cars and trucks in the toy aisle. I just couldn't give that to him. I felt like I failed him. I will also struggle with that. I couldn't give him the boy he always wanted. It sucks that I will have to sit back and watch with jealously as others have their baby boys in their arms. Asher will always be a part of our family and I know he will continue to watch over us.
I know things will not get easy over night, and I know we are all adjusting to our new normal but I hope someday soon to find some form of normalcy in this crazy family we now have.
Olivia will be going away to sleep away camp next week for a full week and I also am struggling with that. Why did I let her talk me into that? She is so excited to go, but all I see is my little girl crying her self to sleep because I'm not there and my little girl being lonely and having to shower on her own. I know she is going to be fine and make lots of new friends. But it will be such a long week here without her.
