Friday, December 28, 2012
The "Club"
I am part of a club that no one wants to join. I did not choose to be a part of this club and I would rather not be in it, but I didn't get the option. God put me in this club. I would like to think that He has only choosen special people for this club but I am not sure. This club is for mothers who have lost children. The "dues" to get into the club are great, because no one wants to give up a child or in my case a baby. I didn't even get to hear my baby cry. If I want to go see Asher I have to go to the cemetery and I HATE that. That shouldn't be the ways things work. A parent should never have to bury there child. I know when I go to heaven after I hug Asher, I'm going to ask God why he has to take little babies from this earth. Because this club is not fun. I guess I have no choice, I am a member for life now.
Finally Over
Well I survived Christmas. It wasn't easy that's for sure. I cried a lot, but I cry everyday so really nothing was new there. I just wish Asher could have been with us. Christmas Eve church was probably the hardest. But going to church is not easy for me since the funeral. I just guess I think of church as being the last place I seen my sweet baby's face. Every song at church made me cry and singing Silent Night by candle light really made me cry. My tears put out my candle at the beginning of the song and it pretty much summed up how I felt. Standing all alone in the dark with no light in my candle surrounded by all the other "happy" people with there light buring. It was hard to hear all the babies and see all the smiling faces when I feel so depressed. Olivia got me through Christmas because I could always look at her happy face. Chris and I went to see Asher on Christmas Day, I wanted the whole family to go, but since it was below zero Chris and I just went out there. We took him a little toy truck. Asher is the only one I told Merry Christmas too this year.
I am actually kind of looking forward to ringing in the new year because then I can say f*** you 2012. I hope 2013 is much better and am really praying for a baby by next Christmas. I just hope God is listening this time, because I prayed for Asher and he died and I prayed for my other pregnancy and I miscarried. I just want to yell at God and ask him why he isn't listening to me. I know everyone says he has a plan for me, well so far I don't like it much. I have it all planned out in my head about when I need to get pregnant by. I go to the doctor on Wednesday just to make sure everything is going ok. I also have to see a high risk doctor soon. I just can't go through another loss so I hope everything works out this time.
I am actually kind of looking forward to ringing in the new year because then I can say f*** you 2012. I hope 2013 is much better and am really praying for a baby by next Christmas. I just hope God is listening this time, because I prayed for Asher and he died and I prayed for my other pregnancy and I miscarried. I just want to yell at God and ask him why he isn't listening to me. I know everyone says he has a plan for me, well so far I don't like it much. I have it all planned out in my head about when I need to get pregnant by. I go to the doctor on Wednesday just to make sure everything is going ok. I also have to see a high risk doctor soon. I just can't go through another loss so I hope everything works out this time.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
All the "firsts"
Too many firsts are coming up for me. First off it's not a good day, it's so filled with saddness as today my little angel Asher would have been five months old. It is also the first snow fall. And I hate snow to begin with, but I hate it even more right now. I coudln't go see Asher like I do every morning before work. And while I know Asher is safe and warm up in heaven, I can't help but think of the snow covered his grave and his little body down there in the cold ground. I just wish he was here safe in my arms.
Christmas is also almost here, another first for me to get through. We have many ornaments for Asher on our tree and I look at them every night. I also am going to go see my baby on Christmas with a special gift we bought as a family for him. It is a toy he would now be old enough to play with. Makes me sad that he will never get to play with it. I hope Christmas in heaven is wonderful for him and I hope some how he can show me he is thinking of his mommy.
I go through spells when I am just so angry I want to scream and yell and throw things and break things. Today is one of those days. I sometimes get the feeling that others think I shouldn't feel as sad because I already have Olivia. Like someone losing Asher shouldn't be that bad. Well I tell you what it still hurts like hell. I may have Olivia to care for and love but I still grieve and I still feel pain from losing him. All the progress I may have made in the short months since he left us was blown away with my miscarriage. And even though I wasn't very far along it was my hope for the new years just shattered all over again. Some may not even think of it as a baby. Well it was to me and my family. If it wasn't a baby to you, then why did I have to decide where to bury my baby? Nothing about this holiday is going to be easy. If you see before then you might even see the tears in my eyes. When I'm quiet I'm thinking of my Asher. He is never far from my thoughts and he is always in my heart.
There are many things that I'm angry about right now. I am angry God took my baby. I am angry I am not pregnant right now. I am angry that I will not have a baby in my arms when Asher turns one. I am angry Olivia will almost be four when I hope to have my next baby. I didn't want my kids to be spaced out so far. I am angry I have to go through Christmas without Asher.
People try to make it better, and they can't right now. I wish someone could just "get it." But I know they can't because they have not been through what I have. And even if they have lost a baby, they do not have the same background as me and every loss is surrounded by different circumstances. So don't try to get me, just offer support and space when I need it.
Someone days I wake up and just wish for one day I didn't have to feel this pain. I just need a break from it. But that doesn't happen. I won't feel hope again until I am pregnant and I know things are going well. Olivia keeps me going, but she is two and wants to be so independent, which is good, but all I want is a baby to cuddle and take care of, and she wants none of that most of the time.
While most people are happy this time of year, others are not, me included. So don't expect me to be. It's not going to be a good Christmas because I didn't get what I wanted. Maybe you think I'm selfish, whatever think what you want. I will survive it i'm sure, but I don't have to enjoy it. I will go through the motions like I do every other day and this "first" will come and go. And it will be followed by all the other "firsts" that I mush over come.
Christmas is also almost here, another first for me to get through. We have many ornaments for Asher on our tree and I look at them every night. I also am going to go see my baby on Christmas with a special gift we bought as a family for him. It is a toy he would now be old enough to play with. Makes me sad that he will never get to play with it. I hope Christmas in heaven is wonderful for him and I hope some how he can show me he is thinking of his mommy.
I go through spells when I am just so angry I want to scream and yell and throw things and break things. Today is one of those days. I sometimes get the feeling that others think I shouldn't feel as sad because I already have Olivia. Like someone losing Asher shouldn't be that bad. Well I tell you what it still hurts like hell. I may have Olivia to care for and love but I still grieve and I still feel pain from losing him. All the progress I may have made in the short months since he left us was blown away with my miscarriage. And even though I wasn't very far along it was my hope for the new years just shattered all over again. Some may not even think of it as a baby. Well it was to me and my family. If it wasn't a baby to you, then why did I have to decide where to bury my baby? Nothing about this holiday is going to be easy. If you see before then you might even see the tears in my eyes. When I'm quiet I'm thinking of my Asher. He is never far from my thoughts and he is always in my heart.
There are many things that I'm angry about right now. I am angry God took my baby. I am angry I am not pregnant right now. I am angry that I will not have a baby in my arms when Asher turns one. I am angry Olivia will almost be four when I hope to have my next baby. I didn't want my kids to be spaced out so far. I am angry I have to go through Christmas without Asher.
People try to make it better, and they can't right now. I wish someone could just "get it." But I know they can't because they have not been through what I have. And even if they have lost a baby, they do not have the same background as me and every loss is surrounded by different circumstances. So don't try to get me, just offer support and space when I need it.
Someone days I wake up and just wish for one day I didn't have to feel this pain. I just need a break from it. But that doesn't happen. I won't feel hope again until I am pregnant and I know things are going well. Olivia keeps me going, but she is two and wants to be so independent, which is good, but all I want is a baby to cuddle and take care of, and she wants none of that most of the time.
While most people are happy this time of year, others are not, me included. So don't expect me to be. It's not going to be a good Christmas because I didn't get what I wanted. Maybe you think I'm selfish, whatever think what you want. I will survive it i'm sure, but I don't have to enjoy it. I will go through the motions like I do every other day and this "first" will come and go. And it will be followed by all the other "firsts" that I mush over come.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
The Day My LIfe Changed FOREVER
It was like any other Friday at work, busy and I was excited because in four days I would be bringing my sweet baby boy into this world. But my back hurt and it hurt a lot. So I called my doctor and he told me to go home and rest. It ended up I was in labor I was so excited. It was July 20, 2012 the day my world was shattered along with my hopes, dreams, and heart. Chris made it home and we headed for the hospital excited to meet our baby boy. When we got to the hospital the nurse hooked me up to the machine and tried to find the heartbeat and couldn't. I started to get really scared. She asked when was the last time I had felt him move and to my hearts dismay I could not answer that question. So she called my doctor to come in for an ultrasound. When he showed up he did the ultrasound and said those words that to this day still haunt me.
"This baby is not alive." I broke down I could breath I felt like I had been punched. How could this be, I just heard his heartbeat two days ago. I was in shock and pain (physical and emotional). Nine months for nothing. Surely there was some mistake. How could this possibly be true? I was in full blown labor and had to deliver a baby for NOTHING! I couldn't even take him home. Family came and we cried and cried. Then at 6:48 pm I delivered my angel Asher James. He was perfect. When the doctor laid him in my arms it looked like he should just take a breath. But he wasn't going to. I was in shock and remained that way for a week or more.
We had a nice funeral for him, much of wish I don't remember. I know it was hot. I now have to go visit my son at the cemetery which isn't fair. Once the shock wore off I was sad, depressed and super angry with the world. And at that same time is when it felt like all the people left. We were alone to deal with this. Now I know people were still there, but they weren't there. They were moving on when I was standing still. Olivia knew mommy was sad and she would wipe away my tears.
It's not been almost five months and in those five months we suffered another loss when I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago. I again went through shock. This was suppsed to be my hope to get me through the holidays and I was supposed to have my baby when Asher would have turned one. And now all that was shattered. I again am angry. Angry with my body for not telling me something was wrong with Asher. Angry that it couldn't give me the baby I wanted so bad now. My arms are still empty when they are supposed to be full of baby. I am still SUPER angry with God for doing this to my family. What have we ever done to deserve this? I still have a hard time going to church because that was the last place I seen my sweet previous baby. I know it's important to go, I just can't do it yet.
Olivia has been my savior although she isn't getting the best mommy she deserves. I am sad most of the time and she sees me cry very often. She knows mommy is sad and that Asher is an angel. I talk to her about him often. She loves him and I just wish she could have helped raise her little brother.
I still feel very alone in all of this. People just don't understand how much pain I am in. It takes all I have to get out of bed in the morning. It would be so much easier just to sleep all day long. But I get up for Olivia. I do everything for Olivia and Chris even when I don't want to. I hope next year is better for us. I really need a baby to help my heart heal a little better. There is so much more I would like to say, but writing all this has made me exhausted. You can follow my blog or not, I'm not going to sugar coat things here. I feel how I feel and I can't change that, and I have been told it's not good to mask what we really feel. It's real, it's life, it isn't the one I would have chosen for my family, but it happened. And somehow in all of this I need to try and find peace and acceptance with what life has handed me. So maybe by writing it will help. We will see.
"This baby is not alive." I broke down I could breath I felt like I had been punched. How could this be, I just heard his heartbeat two days ago. I was in shock and pain (physical and emotional). Nine months for nothing. Surely there was some mistake. How could this possibly be true? I was in full blown labor and had to deliver a baby for NOTHING! I couldn't even take him home. Family came and we cried and cried. Then at 6:48 pm I delivered my angel Asher James. He was perfect. When the doctor laid him in my arms it looked like he should just take a breath. But he wasn't going to. I was in shock and remained that way for a week or more.
We had a nice funeral for him, much of wish I don't remember. I know it was hot. I now have to go visit my son at the cemetery which isn't fair. Once the shock wore off I was sad, depressed and super angry with the world. And at that same time is when it felt like all the people left. We were alone to deal with this. Now I know people were still there, but they weren't there. They were moving on when I was standing still. Olivia knew mommy was sad and she would wipe away my tears.
It's not been almost five months and in those five months we suffered another loss when I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago. I again went through shock. This was suppsed to be my hope to get me through the holidays and I was supposed to have my baby when Asher would have turned one. And now all that was shattered. I again am angry. Angry with my body for not telling me something was wrong with Asher. Angry that it couldn't give me the baby I wanted so bad now. My arms are still empty when they are supposed to be full of baby. I am still SUPER angry with God for doing this to my family. What have we ever done to deserve this? I still have a hard time going to church because that was the last place I seen my sweet previous baby. I know it's important to go, I just can't do it yet.
Olivia has been my savior although she isn't getting the best mommy she deserves. I am sad most of the time and she sees me cry very often. She knows mommy is sad and that Asher is an angel. I talk to her about him often. She loves him and I just wish she could have helped raise her little brother.
I still feel very alone in all of this. People just don't understand how much pain I am in. It takes all I have to get out of bed in the morning. It would be so much easier just to sleep all day long. But I get up for Olivia. I do everything for Olivia and Chris even when I don't want to. I hope next year is better for us. I really need a baby to help my heart heal a little better. There is so much more I would like to say, but writing all this has made me exhausted. You can follow my blog or not, I'm not going to sugar coat things here. I feel how I feel and I can't change that, and I have been told it's not good to mask what we really feel. It's real, it's life, it isn't the one I would have chosen for my family, but it happened. And somehow in all of this I need to try and find peace and acceptance with what life has handed me. So maybe by writing it will help. We will see.
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