Venting

So this is a complete vent post so if you won't want to hear it, I would stop reading now!  I thought I was getting better about reading birth announcements and for the most part, I could read them and move on.  But one caught me completely off guard and sent me into an angry pissed off tail spin.

I know it sounds selfish, but the person's announcement of child number three made me super angry.  They seem to get pregnant so easy and seem to have life so easy.  I want to be that person who can get pregnant easy and then not have to worry about things for nine months.  I want my innocence back!  I want that feeling of being so happy to be pregnant back.  I want Asher to be here and not to have died.  I want my baby boy.

In my head I also secretly hope this person doesn't have a boy because I don't have mine.  I know it's selfish but I figure I can't control my feelings.  I also feel like I need to get it all out because it is not good to keep it bottled up inside.  

I am super glad I have friends that will listen to me when I need to be angry and upset. I feel like my feelings are what they are. No one is going through what I am at this particular stage in life so they won't know what is right or wrong.  I don't know what is right or wrong on how to feel.

I just take things day by day and try to get through it.  I am going to see a new doctor in a few weeks.  I am glad I am done with my old doctor and I can move forward.  I want another baby really bad, but I know now is not the right time for that.  I hope the doctor will tell me I will be able to try for that boy in the future.  I just have to know I tried for that boy.

I can't believe that Saige will be one year old in six days.  Where did that year go?  She grew up so fast and I miss holding that little baby.  She is so independent now and doesn't want to cuddle with her mommy much any more.

Just continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I try to work through this angry time in my life.  Most days I am doing good but then it seems like you get a kick in the butt and things go spiraling down hill again.

2015

Well it's another new year.  I will say 2014 was a pretty decent year.  We welcomed Saige in February which was exciting.  My pregnancy with her was very scary to say the least.  She is a great baby and I can't believe she is almost a year old.  Time goes too fast.  She is a completely different baby than Olivia was.  Saige gets into trouble, she is into everything and Olivia never did that much.  So she keeps me on my toes and very busy.  Sometimes I wonder if Asher is helping her get into mischief.  She looks so much like him.  It always takes my breath away when I am holding her when she is sleeping and I look down and I am holding him all over again.  At first it was kind of heartbreaking because I knew I would never hold him again.  But now it is kind of comforting because I get to see him through her. 

I still feel really guilty that I don't make it to the cemetery to see him much anymore.  But I still think about him everyday.  He will always be a big part of my life.  My emotions can still be a rollercoaster I have good days and bad days.  I don't think the pain will every go away it just gets different. 
It's the song on the radio that gets to me or looking at a sleeping Saige, who looks so much like Asher that gets to me.  This may be morbid to say, but death no longer scares me.  I know that when it is my time to go, the first thing that I will see if my baby boy running towards me.  I can't wait to hold him again.
2015 will be another year of many changes.  I hope we will find the house we can move into.  Olivia will be starting kindergarten.  And I hope to find a full time job.  Also my best friend is getting married and I want to take my Origami Owl business to new heights.  We will see how all that goes.


But for now here is the song that reminds me of my struggle with Asher's death and how I have gotten more strong in my faith.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH9kYn4L8TI