Well another Holiday season is upon us. I am having trouble this year. We sold our house so most of our stuff is in storage. So I'm not completely sure where Asher's decorations for his grave are. I want to put up his Charlie Brown Christmas tree so I need to look for it. I am also feeling really guilty that I don't go visit him as often as I used to. I know he is always in my heart and thoughts but it still isn't the same to me. I just need to get out there for a visit. I still miss him so much. I don't know if the pain will ever go away. Thanksgiving is especially hard for me because I found out I was pregnant with Asher the Saturday after Thanksgiving in 2011. Then in 2012 after I had lost Asher I had to have a D & C the week of Thanksgiving for my miscarriage. I wanted to be pregnant so bad so that was a huge blow to my already broken heart.
I am so thankful this year for Olivia and now Miss Saige. Saige is growing so fast and it makes me sad that I will soon be planning her 1st Birthday. She is almost 10 months old and completely different than Olivia was. Saige is into everything and just starting to be mobile. She wants to be walking so bad but for now she has perfected the butt scoot. She will go in circles to get where she wants to be and then get on one knee and pull herself into trouble. She is into everything. Nothing is safe with her. Olivia was never like that. I always said when I was pregnant with Asher that he would be trouble. And after he died I always felt super guilty about saying that. Maybe this is Asher getting me back for that. I know he is watching out for us and enjoying watching Saige grow up.
We have had a lot of changes in the last few months with selling our house and Olivia going to school. I am soon going to be starting to look for full time work. I want to wait until Olivia is in school all day so I only have to find daycare for Saige. But I love the time I get to spend with Saige. I don't want to miss those first steps and first words. I was home with Olivia her first 9 months so I am glad I get to spend these days with Saige.
One more Thanksgiving meal to go today and then looking on to Christmas. It will be hard like it always is, but I am also excited to see Saige open her first gifts and Olivia is really starting to understand the meaning of Christmas and all that. So this year will be fun. I will visit Asher like always and know that he is there with us on Christmas and always.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Change of Seasons
For those who have followed me on my grief journey they know that for some reason when the seasons change it is always really hard on me. I'm not sure why. Fall is here it is getting darker earlier and I guess I have more time at home to think. I don't know why it is so emotional for me when the next season comes. And it is equally as hard since the holidays are coming up. It's hard because Asher is again not here to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas with us. I know he is having a much better Holiday season up in Heaven though.
We have been having a lot of "firsts" in our house lately. Olivia went to her first friend birthday party, she went to her first Junior Cheer Camp, and then cheered at her first football game. Oh and I can't forget her first school picture, which turned out really good. I love seeing all her firsts. She is such an amazing little girl with a bright imagination. She always comes up with something to make me laugh and smile when I am feeling down.
As bitter sweet as the holidays are for me, I am excited to get to experience all the "firsts" with Saige. Her first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. She is going to be into everything by Thanksgiving. She is so close to crawling! (If she doesn't walk first). She got her first two teeth already and they are sharp. She is going to experience her first pumpkin patch today. She went to her first football game a couple weeks ago. I have to remember all these firsts because they will not happen again.
It makes me sad that I never got to do the "firsts" with Asher. I would give anything to have him here with us. We will just continue to go visit him and celebrate the holidays with him like we always do. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month so it is a special time to remember him. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of him. I look at his picture every night before bed. Olivia has been talking about him a lot lately so she has decided we are going to get him a pumpkin today at the pumpkin patch and I know he will love it.
I will continue to take things one day at a time because that is all I can do. This journey is a roller coaster and there are times when I never know if I'm going to be up or down.
We have been having a lot of "firsts" in our house lately. Olivia went to her first friend birthday party, she went to her first Junior Cheer Camp, and then cheered at her first football game. Oh and I can't forget her first school picture, which turned out really good. I love seeing all her firsts. She is such an amazing little girl with a bright imagination. She always comes up with something to make me laugh and smile when I am feeling down.
As bitter sweet as the holidays are for me, I am excited to get to experience all the "firsts" with Saige. Her first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. She is going to be into everything by Thanksgiving. She is so close to crawling! (If she doesn't walk first). She got her first two teeth already and they are sharp. She is going to experience her first pumpkin patch today. She went to her first football game a couple weeks ago. I have to remember all these firsts because they will not happen again.
It makes me sad that I never got to do the "firsts" with Asher. I would give anything to have him here with us. We will just continue to go visit him and celebrate the holidays with him like we always do. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month so it is a special time to remember him. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of him. I look at his picture every night before bed. Olivia has been talking about him a lot lately so she has decided we are going to get him a pumpkin today at the pumpkin patch and I know he will love it.
I will continue to take things one day at a time because that is all I can do. This journey is a roller coaster and there are times when I never know if I'm going to be up or down.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Life Goes On
Some weeks go better than others in our house. And there are times when you just wish life would stop so you could catch your breath but it doesn't. Life always seems to keep going. There is never enough time in the day to get all the things done you need to, there is never enough money in the account to pay all those bills that are hanging over your head. But the last couple of weeks have been tough than others.
I still get caught up in the what ifs, and what could of beens. I still get jealous when I see someone has had a baby boy. I just want my baby boy. I really want to have another baby to try for that boy. I know right now is not that right time with Saige being so little still and financially we can't handle another one. But I do hope in a couple of years I will find a good paying job that maybe we can try for another one.
I just miss Asher so much and I know that will never go away but it is just harder this week. I think it comes with the changing season. It always seems to get to me. Olivia hasn't helped either. It seems like she has been acting up again. She has had to put her head down twice at school this week. I wish I knew what was going on with her. We will find out at parent/teacher conferences on Tuesday. I know she is a good girl I just want her to be respectful and listen to her teacher. She has trouble listening to me most days. We have started giving her consequences for her actions and she will lose things that she likes to do. So far it is going ok. Olivia has also been talking about Asher a lot this past week. We talk about him sometimes, but this is all on her own bringing him up. She came to me this week with tears in her eyes after a bad day at school where she had to put her head down. I thought she was upset about that. But she told me she missed Asher. I told her I missed Asher too. She then told me she wanted to go see him. I told her we could go to the cemetery and see him this weekend. Olivia told me she didn't want to go see his stone she wanted to go see him for real. I then had to go into the whole thing about how Asher was in heaven and that we couldn't go see him but that Asher was always in our hearts and that we could look at the picture of him. But that wasn't good enough she wanted to go to Heaven to see him. I told her it would be awhile before we could go to Heaven to see Asher. Olivia then looked at me with those tear filled eyes and told me that it was just taking to long to get to Heaven. Yes Olivia it is. But we just have to wait even thought waiting is oh so hard to do. But the day when we finally get to go to Heaven will be wonderful when I can hold Asher in my arms again.
Saige has been doing good. She is growing so fast. She loves her baby food and eats so much. She has also been challenging with her teeth coming in and her not feeling well. She cries a lot more lately than she used to. But one night when she was asleep in my arms it was like holding Asher all over again. It has happened to me a few times with her when I could have sworn I was holding Asher instead of Saige. She looks so much like him. I so wish Asher was running around our house with Olivia and Saige. Saige just learned how to clap her hands and it is super cute. I keep trying to get it on video but she always stops when I try to do it. Oh well I guess I will keep trying.
Olivia is learning so much in pre-kindergarten. She made me so proud when the other day she recited the pledge of allegence. I didn't even know if they still said that in school but I am so glad they do.
So as life keeps going on I will hang on for the ride and know that life will always have it's ups and downs for my family. Olivia will always know too much about life and death and that part of her innocence left when Asher died. But she keeps me going just like Saige keeps me going. I know things will get better financially at least I hope so. I am tired of worrying about money and bills. I wish they could magically go away. I just continue to pray that things will work out.
I still get caught up in the what ifs, and what could of beens. I still get jealous when I see someone has had a baby boy. I just want my baby boy. I really want to have another baby to try for that boy. I know right now is not that right time with Saige being so little still and financially we can't handle another one. But I do hope in a couple of years I will find a good paying job that maybe we can try for another one.
I just miss Asher so much and I know that will never go away but it is just harder this week. I think it comes with the changing season. It always seems to get to me. Olivia hasn't helped either. It seems like she has been acting up again. She has had to put her head down twice at school this week. I wish I knew what was going on with her. We will find out at parent/teacher conferences on Tuesday. I know she is a good girl I just want her to be respectful and listen to her teacher. She has trouble listening to me most days. We have started giving her consequences for her actions and she will lose things that she likes to do. So far it is going ok. Olivia has also been talking about Asher a lot this past week. We talk about him sometimes, but this is all on her own bringing him up. She came to me this week with tears in her eyes after a bad day at school where she had to put her head down. I thought she was upset about that. But she told me she missed Asher. I told her I missed Asher too. She then told me she wanted to go see him. I told her we could go to the cemetery and see him this weekend. Olivia told me she didn't want to go see his stone she wanted to go see him for real. I then had to go into the whole thing about how Asher was in heaven and that we couldn't go see him but that Asher was always in our hearts and that we could look at the picture of him. But that wasn't good enough she wanted to go to Heaven to see him. I told her it would be awhile before we could go to Heaven to see Asher. Olivia then looked at me with those tear filled eyes and told me that it was just taking to long to get to Heaven. Yes Olivia it is. But we just have to wait even thought waiting is oh so hard to do. But the day when we finally get to go to Heaven will be wonderful when I can hold Asher in my arms again.
Saige has been doing good. She is growing so fast. She loves her baby food and eats so much. She has also been challenging with her teeth coming in and her not feeling well. She cries a lot more lately than she used to. But one night when she was asleep in my arms it was like holding Asher all over again. It has happened to me a few times with her when I could have sworn I was holding Asher instead of Saige. She looks so much like him. I so wish Asher was running around our house with Olivia and Saige. Saige just learned how to clap her hands and it is super cute. I keep trying to get it on video but she always stops when I try to do it. Oh well I guess I will keep trying.
Olivia is learning so much in pre-kindergarten. She made me so proud when the other day she recited the pledge of allegence. I didn't even know if they still said that in school but I am so glad they do.
So as life keeps going on I will hang on for the ride and know that life will always have it's ups and downs for my family. Olivia will always know too much about life and death and that part of her innocence left when Asher died. But she keeps me going just like Saige keeps me going. I know things will get better financially at least I hope so. I am tired of worrying about money and bills. I wish they could magically go away. I just continue to pray that things will work out.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
First Day of Pre-K
I just realized I forgot to post this!
Well we survived it, more like I survived it, Olivia's first day of Pre-K which was already a week and a half ago. I'm not sure what Olivia was thinking on that day. I had been trying to get her really excited to go. But the week before she would have "tummy aches." I finally asked her if she was nervous about starting school, and she said she was. I'm not even sure she knows what nervous is. Anyway we took her to her open house and she met her teacher, who just happens to be the same teacher I had in kindergarten, so I know she is in good hands. She was shown where she would hang her back, her spot on the circle rug and which chair she would sit in (a yellow one). So the day came and we walked her to school and she was excited to do some puzzles and I was excited to hear about her day. I only shed one tear so I was pretty proud of myself. I will save the water works for Kindergarten I think. I was kind of looking forward to having a small break from her during the day. Don't get me wrong I love her to death, but she can get on my nerves sometimes.
So Chris and I go to pick her up from the first day and she won't say much, but man is she grumpy. Finally we got out of her what she thought of school and all she would say was it was kind of boring. Man we are in trouble if she thinks Pre-K is boring. So the next day she says the same thing. But this week she sounded like she had fun. She got to paint and go to the library and bring home a book. She informed me I had to keep the book in a special place so the dog wouldn't eat it.
I ask her about her day after school everyday and I don't know if what she is telling me really happened. Some of it sounds pretty made up to me, it's like she is creating her own language. I figure if she tells me the same thing two days in a row then I will believe it! I just want to follow her around for a day to see what she actually does.
When she gets home from school she is always super hungry, so I guess that means I will need to get more snacks in the house. She has also had some trouble going to sleep a couple of nights. But I think we got that taken care of, at least I hope.
Saige is enjoying the mommy and me time. I am enjoying it too since she mainly naps when Olivia is at school so I can nap too!! Saige's face lights up into the biggest smile when she see's Olivia come out of school each day. She misses her big sister that is for sure. And I know Asher is looking down on Olivia and keeping her safe on the playground and every where she goes. I know when what should of been his first day of school rolls around I will for sure be a mess. But we can cross that bridge when it comes.
Saige is now rolling from her back to her tummy. And she does it all the time. I know she knows how to roll the other way too, but she has figured out that if she screams someone will come get her. She still isn't sleeping through the night I try to let her cry it out which breaks my heart, but Olivia wakes up and starts screaming to come get her. So that is not working. Olivia is kind of a light sleeper so we will get there.
The sell of the house is still moving along. We still don't have anything planned on what house we will buy. We have one we like, but we need to save some money for a couple of months first. I can't wait for the girls to have their own rooms and own space. I still want another baby, really want that boy, but that is still up for debate and for sure at least a year down the road. I have some doctor changes coming my way so we will see how that goes when the time comes.
Summer is coming to an end and I am excited for the things that fall will bring for us. Moving to a new house hopefully and Olivia will be starting soccer and Sunday school again. Even though she is only in Pre-K we will for sure be busy parents as I want her to be as involved as she wants to be. She is officially a Rocket!!!
Well we survived it, more like I survived it, Olivia's first day of Pre-K which was already a week and a half ago. I'm not sure what Olivia was thinking on that day. I had been trying to get her really excited to go. But the week before she would have "tummy aches." I finally asked her if she was nervous about starting school, and she said she was. I'm not even sure she knows what nervous is. Anyway we took her to her open house and she met her teacher, who just happens to be the same teacher I had in kindergarten, so I know she is in good hands. She was shown where she would hang her back, her spot on the circle rug and which chair she would sit in (a yellow one). So the day came and we walked her to school and she was excited to do some puzzles and I was excited to hear about her day. I only shed one tear so I was pretty proud of myself. I will save the water works for Kindergarten I think. I was kind of looking forward to having a small break from her during the day. Don't get me wrong I love her to death, but she can get on my nerves sometimes.
So Chris and I go to pick her up from the first day and she won't say much, but man is she grumpy. Finally we got out of her what she thought of school and all she would say was it was kind of boring. Man we are in trouble if she thinks Pre-K is boring. So the next day she says the same thing. But this week she sounded like she had fun. She got to paint and go to the library and bring home a book. She informed me I had to keep the book in a special place so the dog wouldn't eat it.
I ask her about her day after school everyday and I don't know if what she is telling me really happened. Some of it sounds pretty made up to me, it's like she is creating her own language. I figure if she tells me the same thing two days in a row then I will believe it! I just want to follow her around for a day to see what she actually does.
When she gets home from school she is always super hungry, so I guess that means I will need to get more snacks in the house. She has also had some trouble going to sleep a couple of nights. But I think we got that taken care of, at least I hope.
Saige is enjoying the mommy and me time. I am enjoying it too since she mainly naps when Olivia is at school so I can nap too!! Saige's face lights up into the biggest smile when she see's Olivia come out of school each day. She misses her big sister that is for sure. And I know Asher is looking down on Olivia and keeping her safe on the playground and every where she goes. I know when what should of been his first day of school rolls around I will for sure be a mess. But we can cross that bridge when it comes.
Saige is now rolling from her back to her tummy. And she does it all the time. I know she knows how to roll the other way too, but she has figured out that if she screams someone will come get her. She still isn't sleeping through the night I try to let her cry it out which breaks my heart, but Olivia wakes up and starts screaming to come get her. So that is not working. Olivia is kind of a light sleeper so we will get there.
The sell of the house is still moving along. We still don't have anything planned on what house we will buy. We have one we like, but we need to save some money for a couple of months first. I can't wait for the girls to have their own rooms and own space. I still want another baby, really want that boy, but that is still up for debate and for sure at least a year down the road. I have some doctor changes coming my way so we will see how that goes when the time comes.
Summer is coming to an end and I am excited for the things that fall will bring for us. Moving to a new house hopefully and Olivia will be starting soccer and Sunday school again. Even though she is only in Pre-K we will for sure be busy parents as I want her to be as involved as she wants to be. She is officially a Rocket!!!
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Two years
It is so hard for me to believe it has almost been two years since Asher's death. It still seems like it was yesterday. The emotions and pain of this week has been tough. I am grieving like it was just yesterday. I miss him so much and wish he was here everyday. As much as I want him running around my house right now, if he was that means Saige would probably not be here. And I can't imagine life without here.
She has been a miracle and she has helped me heal. I look at her in her most innocent times like when she is sleeping and I see Asher all over again.
This week has also been hard because I feel like people are forgetting him. They are making plans for his birthday that aren't focused on his birthday. And I know life goes on. But at times mine is still stuck in that horrible pain of grief. It's so hard to climb out sometimes.
I do know that Asher's death has made me a better mother, wife, and hopefully friend. I want to be there for anyone during those hard times because I know how dark they can be and how much you can use a friend.
I also read a quote recently that pretty much summed up what has happen since his death. It said something like when you are dealing with the loss of a child it can make close friends into strangers and strangers into close friends. And it is so true. The nurse who was there when I delivered Asher and who was there to help with Saige has become and amazing friend. Our kids are friends and we like to hang out. I have also found that family isn't just blood. I have a few close friends who are more like family then some of my family. They check on me more than family does and make sure we are doing ok.
I thank Lacy, Brent, and Brandy for always thinking of us at this hard time with a special gift for Asher. This year it was a stuffed tractor that is so cute. It will go with all our Asher stuff. I have had so many texts and stuff from friends this week too.
If this week weren't stressful enough we are in the middle of selling out house. While I am super excited to be looking for a new house it is also very emotional for me. Every time I take a shower I think of Asher. It's a long story about why the shower makes me think of him. For a long time it was that shower that haunted me. I know we will find a special place just for Asher's things at the new house.
We are going to try to keep a low key day for tomorrow. We plan on going to visit Asher and release some balloons up to Heaven for him. We will probably also spend some time with family and friends.
Please just say a little prayer for my sweet sweet Asher as he celebrates his second birthday in Heaven. July 20, 2014
She has been a miracle and she has helped me heal. I look at her in her most innocent times like when she is sleeping and I see Asher all over again.
This week has also been hard because I feel like people are forgetting him. They are making plans for his birthday that aren't focused on his birthday. And I know life goes on. But at times mine is still stuck in that horrible pain of grief. It's so hard to climb out sometimes.
I do know that Asher's death has made me a better mother, wife, and hopefully friend. I want to be there for anyone during those hard times because I know how dark they can be and how much you can use a friend.
I also read a quote recently that pretty much summed up what has happen since his death. It said something like when you are dealing with the loss of a child it can make close friends into strangers and strangers into close friends. And it is so true. The nurse who was there when I delivered Asher and who was there to help with Saige has become and amazing friend. Our kids are friends and we like to hang out. I have also found that family isn't just blood. I have a few close friends who are more like family then some of my family. They check on me more than family does and make sure we are doing ok.
I thank Lacy, Brent, and Brandy for always thinking of us at this hard time with a special gift for Asher. This year it was a stuffed tractor that is so cute. It will go with all our Asher stuff. I have had so many texts and stuff from friends this week too.
If this week weren't stressful enough we are in the middle of selling out house. While I am super excited to be looking for a new house it is also very emotional for me. Every time I take a shower I think of Asher. It's a long story about why the shower makes me think of him. For a long time it was that shower that haunted me. I know we will find a special place just for Asher's things at the new house.
We are going to try to keep a low key day for tomorrow. We plan on going to visit Asher and release some balloons up to Heaven for him. We will probably also spend some time with family and friends.
Please just say a little prayer for my sweet sweet Asher as he celebrates his second birthday in Heaven. July 20, 2014
Monday, July 14, 2014
My Sweet Olivia
I have decided to do a post about each of my children leading up to Asher's 2nd Birthday in Heaven. So this post is all about Olivia.
Olivia is a free spirit. She has a mind of her own and she is not afraid to let you know what she thinks. Yes we have butted heads at time and sure we will in the future, but she has gotten me through some of the toughest times in my life.
I remember her sitting on my lap in the hosptial after Asher died and I was crying and she wiped my tears and told me it was going to be ok. She did this numerous times over the next few weeks. She was my rock the reason I got up in the morning. She made me smile while dancing to the Hot Dog Dance while watching Mickey Mouse after Asher died.
She loves Asher with all her heart and she kisses his stone when we go visit him.
She played t-ball this year and she played in the dirt. No one will ever forget her hitting the ball and picking up a handful of dirt on her way to first base. She will start preschool in August and she is super excited for that. I can't believe she is 4 years old already. The time has flown by. She loves the water and I have a feeling she will be swimming by the end of this summer. She is a great big sister and she can make Saige's face light up like no one else can.
I love listening to her exciment as she talks about the things she loves. She is a social butterfly who can make friends where ever she goes. Sure she may have attitude but she is the sweetest little girl. I can't wait to watch her grow and see who she chooses to become as she goes off to preschool and beyond. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up and she told me a doctor. I asked her who she wanted to take care of and she told me all people. I hope she goes on to do this because she is always thinking of others first. When I don't feel good or am sad she is always there to lend a helping hand and wipe away my tears.
I love you miss Olivia (attitude and all)!
Olivia is a free spirit. She has a mind of her own and she is not afraid to let you know what she thinks. Yes we have butted heads at time and sure we will in the future, but she has gotten me through some of the toughest times in my life.
I remember her sitting on my lap in the hosptial after Asher died and I was crying and she wiped my tears and told me it was going to be ok. She did this numerous times over the next few weeks. She was my rock the reason I got up in the morning. She made me smile while dancing to the Hot Dog Dance while watching Mickey Mouse after Asher died.
She loves Asher with all her heart and she kisses his stone when we go visit him.
She played t-ball this year and she played in the dirt. No one will ever forget her hitting the ball and picking up a handful of dirt on her way to first base. She will start preschool in August and she is super excited for that. I can't believe she is 4 years old already. The time has flown by. She loves the water and I have a feeling she will be swimming by the end of this summer. She is a great big sister and she can make Saige's face light up like no one else can.
I love listening to her exciment as she talks about the things she loves. She is a social butterfly who can make friends where ever she goes. Sure she may have attitude but she is the sweetest little girl. I can't wait to watch her grow and see who she chooses to become as she goes off to preschool and beyond. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up and she told me a doctor. I asked her who she wanted to take care of and she told me all people. I hope she goes on to do this because she is always thinking of others first. When I don't feel good or am sad she is always there to lend a helping hand and wipe away my tears.
I love you miss Olivia (attitude and all)!
Saturday, June 7, 2014
What am I doing wrong?
I know I have written about this before. But I guess in my mind I always thought I would be Super Mom. The one with the clean house, the happy well behaved kids, and everything just perfect. But I guess that doesn't exsist.
We are going through some tough times with Olivia again. She has such an attitude. I know she gets it from me and we feed off of each other. I just don't know how to change it. I try not to yell at her but she knows just what buttons to push. I know she needs to be around kids more, but it is just hard to do with a baby around too. She is so dramatic. She throws herself on the floor like the world is ending. She can produce tears like that. She is currently into slamming and locking her bed room door. For the people who know me well you know my favotire show is Roseanne. And there is an episode where the daughter Becky (who is much older around 14) loses her bedroom door for slamming it. That is going to be us very soon. Where did my sweet child go? Don't get me wrong we have our good times. I love to play with her and read to her and take her swimming. But if it's not her way right now then it's melt down city. What can I do different? I get so frustrated and then I feel like a horrible mother and super guilty.
I feel like if this doesn't change she is going to think back on her childhood and realize it was not a happy time. I'm sure that is all in my head, but I want to make it better. Olivia just doens't understand that when Saige is hungry then she needs to be fed and such. All Olivia wants to do is watch TV or play on the computer. I tried to explain to her that it isn't good for her, but she cries and cries until I just give in because I want her to be quiet so I can have a break from her. We thought the swing set would help, but now she insits that she can't swing unless someone is pushing her. Major back fire!
We plan on spending lots of time at the pool just me and her. So I hope that helps. I try to spend just time with me and her, but it is hard when you are home all day with both girls. I guess we will continue to work on things.
Saige is doing good. Growing up too fast, she is 4 months old already. We seem to have a handle on her MSPI for now. She loves to kick and make noise. She "talks" her little talk all the time. She is such a joy to have around the hosue. Olivia loves her so much and Saige just lights up when Olivia is around. Our goal for Saige is to get her to sleep in her crib. She is fine in there to play for a little while, but she hates to sleep in there. We really need to work on it. But if we put her in there at bed time Olivia always says she makes too much noise. So we have some things to work on. I will talk to Saige's doctor about things on Monday when Saige goes in for her 4 month check up.
I find myself during these difficult time missing Asher like crazy. I know he is watching out for us. We went to visit him on Memorial Day and he had a little buddy hanging out with him. It was a toad. It scared me when it jumped before I knew it was there. I think Asher was playing tricks on his mommy. the toad didn't move away from Asher's stone the whole time we were out there. My mom also said when she was out there visiting Asher that his toy fire truck was moving and there was no wind that day. I think Asher is letting us know he is with us. I miss him so much and wish everyday I could have my baby boy with me. I just have to remind myself that Saige would not be here if Asher had lived. I know it's a crazy way to think of things. But Asher's death gave me my beautiful rainbow baby Saige and his death has changed me. And I hope it was for the better. I know I don't take things for granted anymore. I look at everyday as a gift.
And if you are listening Asher, please help me be a better mom to my girls and to you!
We are going through some tough times with Olivia again. She has such an attitude. I know she gets it from me and we feed off of each other. I just don't know how to change it. I try not to yell at her but she knows just what buttons to push. I know she needs to be around kids more, but it is just hard to do with a baby around too. She is so dramatic. She throws herself on the floor like the world is ending. She can produce tears like that. She is currently into slamming and locking her bed room door. For the people who know me well you know my favotire show is Roseanne. And there is an episode where the daughter Becky (who is much older around 14) loses her bedroom door for slamming it. That is going to be us very soon. Where did my sweet child go? Don't get me wrong we have our good times. I love to play with her and read to her and take her swimming. But if it's not her way right now then it's melt down city. What can I do different? I get so frustrated and then I feel like a horrible mother and super guilty.
I feel like if this doesn't change she is going to think back on her childhood and realize it was not a happy time. I'm sure that is all in my head, but I want to make it better. Olivia just doens't understand that when Saige is hungry then she needs to be fed and such. All Olivia wants to do is watch TV or play on the computer. I tried to explain to her that it isn't good for her, but she cries and cries until I just give in because I want her to be quiet so I can have a break from her. We thought the swing set would help, but now she insits that she can't swing unless someone is pushing her. Major back fire!
We plan on spending lots of time at the pool just me and her. So I hope that helps. I try to spend just time with me and her, but it is hard when you are home all day with both girls. I guess we will continue to work on things.
Saige is doing good. Growing up too fast, she is 4 months old already. We seem to have a handle on her MSPI for now. She loves to kick and make noise. She "talks" her little talk all the time. She is such a joy to have around the hosue. Olivia loves her so much and Saige just lights up when Olivia is around. Our goal for Saige is to get her to sleep in her crib. She is fine in there to play for a little while, but she hates to sleep in there. We really need to work on it. But if we put her in there at bed time Olivia always says she makes too much noise. So we have some things to work on. I will talk to Saige's doctor about things on Monday when Saige goes in for her 4 month check up.
I find myself during these difficult time missing Asher like crazy. I know he is watching out for us. We went to visit him on Memorial Day and he had a little buddy hanging out with him. It was a toad. It scared me when it jumped before I knew it was there. I think Asher was playing tricks on his mommy. the toad didn't move away from Asher's stone the whole time we were out there. My mom also said when she was out there visiting Asher that his toy fire truck was moving and there was no wind that day. I think Asher is letting us know he is with us. I miss him so much and wish everyday I could have my baby boy with me. I just have to remind myself that Saige would not be here if Asher had lived. I know it's a crazy way to think of things. But Asher's death gave me my beautiful rainbow baby Saige and his death has changed me. And I hope it was for the better. I know I don't take things for granted anymore. I look at everyday as a gift.
And if you are listening Asher, please help me be a better mom to my girls and to you!
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
4 Years Ago Today
I can't believe it has been four years since I gave birth to Olivia. I remember going to the hospital to be induced. I was scared and didn't know what to expect at all. Was I cut out to be a mother? I hadn't had much experience with babies and now I was going to have one of my own. I was in labor for 19 hours. It was a long process and Olivia was born in the middle of the night at 3:15 to be exact. And it was such a great moment. Holding her for the first time was wonderful.
I remember Chris going out to tell the family that she had been born. In my head we hadn't picked out a name yet. We had it narrowed down to two. We were going to see what she looked like. So he gets back in the room and I ask him well what should we name her. He said oh I already told everyone that her name was Olivia Ann. So that is how she got her name. We knew her middle name would be Ann in honor of my sister who died when we were a day old.
She was 7 pounds and so great. To us she seemed so small I thought I would break her. I loved holding her and looking into her pretty eyes. She was perfect. Round head and that sweet little stork bite she had on her side.
I have been amazed at watching her grow up. I remember her sitting on my lap when she was very young poking at my cheeks telling me your so cute! She is so smart and talks so much and so well. Most people think she is much older than she is because you can have a conversation with her. I can't believe she will be going to pre-school in August. She has learned so much about life and death these last two years. More than any child should have to know, but she has been my rock. Without Olivia I wouldn't have made it through the death of Asher. I remember her doing the Mickey Mouse Hot Dog dance to cheer me up when I was sad. I remember her sitting on my hospital bed after I had Asher and she would wipe away my tears with her little hand and tell me it's ok. She has continuted to wipe away my tears when I am sad. She is such a caregiver. Always thinking of me first when I'm sad or hurt. We don't hide anything from her so we talk about Asher often.
And now she is a great big sister. She loves Saige will all her heart and soul and is always willing to help out with her. She loves to sing to Saige and tell Saige about Asher.
I would be lying if I say we never butt heads because we do. We are too much alike and have the same little attitude which I'm sure I will pay for when she is a teenager. But I love her dearly as she is my first born. She always knows how to bring a smile to my face. I love Olivia Ann Foley so much! I hope she has a great birthday!
.JPG)
I remember Chris going out to tell the family that she had been born. In my head we hadn't picked out a name yet. We had it narrowed down to two. We were going to see what she looked like. So he gets back in the room and I ask him well what should we name her. He said oh I already told everyone that her name was Olivia Ann. So that is how she got her name. We knew her middle name would be Ann in honor of my sister who died when we were a day old.
She was 7 pounds and so great. To us she seemed so small I thought I would break her. I loved holding her and looking into her pretty eyes. She was perfect. Round head and that sweet little stork bite she had on her side.
I have been amazed at watching her grow up. I remember her sitting on my lap when she was very young poking at my cheeks telling me your so cute! She is so smart and talks so much and so well. Most people think she is much older than she is because you can have a conversation with her. I can't believe she will be going to pre-school in August. She has learned so much about life and death these last two years. More than any child should have to know, but she has been my rock. Without Olivia I wouldn't have made it through the death of Asher. I remember her doing the Mickey Mouse Hot Dog dance to cheer me up when I was sad. I remember her sitting on my hospital bed after I had Asher and she would wipe away my tears with her little hand and tell me it's ok. She has continuted to wipe away my tears when I am sad. She is such a caregiver. Always thinking of me first when I'm sad or hurt. We don't hide anything from her so we talk about Asher often.
And now she is a great big sister. She loves Saige will all her heart and soul and is always willing to help out with her. She loves to sing to Saige and tell Saige about Asher.
I would be lying if I say we never butt heads because we do. We are too much alike and have the same little attitude which I'm sure I will pay for when she is a teenager. But I love her dearly as she is my first born. She always knows how to bring a smile to my face. I love Olivia Ann Foley so much! I hope she has a great birthday!
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Faith in God
Faith in God has been a big part of my life in the past year or so. I would be lying if I didn't say I was extremely angry with God after Asher died. I wanted to yell and scream at him for taking my precious baby from me. I didn't want to go to church I felt cheated by a God who was supposed to protect me. A God I prayed to every night when I was pregnant with Asher. A God who was supposed to make all my dreams come true.
While growing up I went to church and I knew it was important but I don't know how much I got out of it. In college and when I moved out of the house I didn't go to church much. I just didn't want to. I didn't like being "forced" in my own mind to go when I was growing up. I would have much rather slept in. But when I had Olivia I knew it was important for her to grow up in the church. I see high school kids today who have so much faith and I wish that would have been me growing up. Olivia loves going to church and Sunday School. She loves singing and reading her Bible. But after Asher died that all stopped.
I spoke with pastor a couple of times after his death and was told it's ok to be angry with God because he can take it. They told me to go into the sancuraty and just yell if I needed to. I never did that, but I was so angry. I felt anger towards everything and everyone. People told me that Asher was in better hands, that God needed him more than me. How could that possible be? I needed him. He was supposed to be with me. I did everything right. How was I supposed to pray now when obviously God didn't listen anyway.
But now almost two years later I know that God has a plan. We may not like it at the time but eventually we will understand. I still don't understand the why but maybe I never will. But God and Asher have made me a better person. I know that I need to not take life for granted and tell Olivia and Saige that I love them every second I get.
Saige was truely a blessing and we needed it at the time. I would be lying to say the pregnancy was not hard on me. I was waiting for her to die too. I did learn to pray again and I prayed and prayed she would arrive safely. I was a paranoid mess most of the pregnancy then in the last month something happend. I just let go. I didn't give up, but I was just calm. I knew God would take over for me. He already knew what was going to happen so I just let him have it. My doctor even asked me why I was the calm one when everyone else is a mess. And I just said I can't control it anyway so might as well be calm. And everything worked out great. I love Saige so much and I know Asher is looking down on us. He is espcially watching out for daddy with all those girls in his house.
Olivia even told my doctor she was going to marry a boy named Asher one day. Maybe she will. I know Asher will keep her and Saige safe.
I read this article a couple of days ago and I invite you to read it to. It descirpes stillbirth perfectly. It wasn't something that happened to me. It was something I was forced to participate in. I hated my body because I had Asher die inside of me and I still had to give birth to him knowing he wasn't alive. You arms really do ache to hold the baby you lost. The milk still comes in for no one. It is just really powerful.
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/04/what-i-mean-when-i-say-my-daughter-was-stillborn/
While growing up I went to church and I knew it was important but I don't know how much I got out of it. In college and when I moved out of the house I didn't go to church much. I just didn't want to. I didn't like being "forced" in my own mind to go when I was growing up. I would have much rather slept in. But when I had Olivia I knew it was important for her to grow up in the church. I see high school kids today who have so much faith and I wish that would have been me growing up. Olivia loves going to church and Sunday School. She loves singing and reading her Bible. But after Asher died that all stopped.
I spoke with pastor a couple of times after his death and was told it's ok to be angry with God because he can take it. They told me to go into the sancuraty and just yell if I needed to. I never did that, but I was so angry. I felt anger towards everything and everyone. People told me that Asher was in better hands, that God needed him more than me. How could that possible be? I needed him. He was supposed to be with me. I did everything right. How was I supposed to pray now when obviously God didn't listen anyway.
But now almost two years later I know that God has a plan. We may not like it at the time but eventually we will understand. I still don't understand the why but maybe I never will. But God and Asher have made me a better person. I know that I need to not take life for granted and tell Olivia and Saige that I love them every second I get.
Saige was truely a blessing and we needed it at the time. I would be lying to say the pregnancy was not hard on me. I was waiting for her to die too. I did learn to pray again and I prayed and prayed she would arrive safely. I was a paranoid mess most of the pregnancy then in the last month something happend. I just let go. I didn't give up, but I was just calm. I knew God would take over for me. He already knew what was going to happen so I just let him have it. My doctor even asked me why I was the calm one when everyone else is a mess. And I just said I can't control it anyway so might as well be calm. And everything worked out great. I love Saige so much and I know Asher is looking down on us. He is espcially watching out for daddy with all those girls in his house.
Olivia even told my doctor she was going to marry a boy named Asher one day. Maybe she will. I know Asher will keep her and Saige safe.
I read this article a couple of days ago and I invite you to read it to. It descirpes stillbirth perfectly. It wasn't something that happened to me. It was something I was forced to participate in. I hated my body because I had Asher die inside of me and I still had to give birth to him knowing he wasn't alive. You arms really do ache to hold the baby you lost. The milk still comes in for no one. It is just really powerful.
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/04/what-i-mean-when-i-say-my-daughter-was-stillborn/
Saturday, April 12, 2014
9 Weeks
I know I need to blog more. I hope by telling my story and my experiences that I am helping someone out there who may be on the beginning of there journey through loss. At this time in my journey I feel like it will be never ending. Even though things in life change a piece of my heart will always remain missing. I hate to admit it, but with the busy life I now have with Olivia and Saige sometimes I feel like I don't visit Asher enough or think of him every second like I used to. He is always in the back of my mind though and I kiss his picture every night before bed. I do still think of him and always will. My heart still aches from losing him.
I may be crazy but there have been a couple of times since bringing Saige home that I could have sworn I was holding Asher all over again. In the first couple of weeks I was awake in the middle of the night and I'm sure I was sleep deprived but I looked down and Saige and all I saw was Asher. Oh how I wish I could hold him again. Then just yesterday Saige was sleeping in her bassinet and I could see Asher laying in his casket all over again. I know my mind is playing tricks on me. Maybe I miss him so much that I think I see him I don't know.
Things with Olivia are getting easier. She is very helpful, sometimes too helpful. She isn't acting out as much any more, but when she does it is usually a good fight. It helps that she can go outside now. We like to take walks and play outside.
Things with Saige are slowly getting better. She has been diagnosed with MSPI so her body doesn't know the difference between food and bad things. So she is growing due to her formula already being pre digested in a sense. We go back to her GI doctor in a couple of weeks to see how she is doing. She seems to be eating a little bit more at a time and she has slept for a couple 4 hour stretches at night. I just hate seeing her in so much pain when she eats. She also now has to go see a Physical Therapist. She has a flat spot on her head and also tight neck muscles. So we hope we can get that taken care of too. She is just a stubborn baby when it comes to some things. It is so crazy how different two babies can be. Olivia was so easy. She had some sleeping issues but those were my fault. But Saige is completely different. We are trying to get her used to her crib now and that is rough she just cries and cries in there.
I have learned not to keep my emotions in well I'm trying anyway. There are things that bother me and I just keep things bottled up. But if you don't tell the other person what you are thinking or feeling nothing gets better and bad feeling occur. It has to do with not getting enough sleep and that makes me irritable and grumpy at times. I feel like my body is finally getting used to it though. Marriage is something that is a daily thing you have to work on. Chris and I have been through so much that we aren't going to give up. We have been to hell and are on our way back. We are doing it together. Statics show that the loss of a child can increase the risk of couples breaking up. We are not going to be that statistic. We are going to continue to talk through things and work together. We are not sure if we will have more kids in the future. It will be a ways off for sure if we decide to though! I really want a boy. And maybe I am being selfish but I want my baby boy.
I am back to work. I am only working two days a week so it is not too bad. The girls are in good hands when I am at work though. I have been applying for other jobs. I need to be able to make more money to better support my family. But so far all I have gotten is rejection letter after rejection letter. I know God has a plan for me. I am just taking things one day at a time and hope we survive. We are so lucky to have such a wonderful family to help us out financially when we need it. I just hate asking for help all the time. It was a tough choice to only go back to work part time. But we just could not afford daycare at this time. It's so expensive.
We have a busy May ahead of us. Olivia is going to be turning 4 years old. How can that be possible? When did my first born become a child? She is so great! She is full of energy and knowledge. She is so smart most times she knows more than she should. I feel she knows more about life and death than she should, but it has made her super compassionate. Also Saige will be baptized in May. It's going to be an emotional time for us but also bitter sweet. She is my rainbow baby and so it is only fitting that we are having a rainbow themed party afterwards for her. It will be a celebration of Saige and also an honoring of Asher at the same time.
We decorated Asher's grave for Easter. I need to get out there and take some pictures of it. I am still on medication to try and keep my emotions in check. I'm not afraid to admit it. Sometimes you just need a little help. I am super afraid to go off my medication though. I don't know how I will react. I want to try and better myself by losing some weight. But I don't know where to begin. I'm not big on exercise and I'm not big on cooking. I know too many excuses. I just need to find the time to get going.
I may be crazy but there have been a couple of times since bringing Saige home that I could have sworn I was holding Asher all over again. In the first couple of weeks I was awake in the middle of the night and I'm sure I was sleep deprived but I looked down and Saige and all I saw was Asher. Oh how I wish I could hold him again. Then just yesterday Saige was sleeping in her bassinet and I could see Asher laying in his casket all over again. I know my mind is playing tricks on me. Maybe I miss him so much that I think I see him I don't know.
Things with Olivia are getting easier. She is very helpful, sometimes too helpful. She isn't acting out as much any more, but when she does it is usually a good fight. It helps that she can go outside now. We like to take walks and play outside.
Things with Saige are slowly getting better. She has been diagnosed with MSPI so her body doesn't know the difference between food and bad things. So she is growing due to her formula already being pre digested in a sense. We go back to her GI doctor in a couple of weeks to see how she is doing. She seems to be eating a little bit more at a time and she has slept for a couple 4 hour stretches at night. I just hate seeing her in so much pain when she eats. She also now has to go see a Physical Therapist. She has a flat spot on her head and also tight neck muscles. So we hope we can get that taken care of too. She is just a stubborn baby when it comes to some things. It is so crazy how different two babies can be. Olivia was so easy. She had some sleeping issues but those were my fault. But Saige is completely different. We are trying to get her used to her crib now and that is rough she just cries and cries in there.
I have learned not to keep my emotions in well I'm trying anyway. There are things that bother me and I just keep things bottled up. But if you don't tell the other person what you are thinking or feeling nothing gets better and bad feeling occur. It has to do with not getting enough sleep and that makes me irritable and grumpy at times. I feel like my body is finally getting used to it though. Marriage is something that is a daily thing you have to work on. Chris and I have been through so much that we aren't going to give up. We have been to hell and are on our way back. We are doing it together. Statics show that the loss of a child can increase the risk of couples breaking up. We are not going to be that statistic. We are going to continue to talk through things and work together. We are not sure if we will have more kids in the future. It will be a ways off for sure if we decide to though! I really want a boy. And maybe I am being selfish but I want my baby boy.
I am back to work. I am only working two days a week so it is not too bad. The girls are in good hands when I am at work though. I have been applying for other jobs. I need to be able to make more money to better support my family. But so far all I have gotten is rejection letter after rejection letter. I know God has a plan for me. I am just taking things one day at a time and hope we survive. We are so lucky to have such a wonderful family to help us out financially when we need it. I just hate asking for help all the time. It was a tough choice to only go back to work part time. But we just could not afford daycare at this time. It's so expensive.
We have a busy May ahead of us. Olivia is going to be turning 4 years old. How can that be possible? When did my first born become a child? She is so great! She is full of energy and knowledge. She is so smart most times she knows more than she should. I feel she knows more about life and death than she should, but it has made her super compassionate. Also Saige will be baptized in May. It's going to be an emotional time for us but also bitter sweet. She is my rainbow baby and so it is only fitting that we are having a rainbow themed party afterwards for her. It will be a celebration of Saige and also an honoring of Asher at the same time.
We decorated Asher's grave for Easter. I need to get out there and take some pictures of it. I am still on medication to try and keep my emotions in check. I'm not afraid to admit it. Sometimes you just need a little help. I am super afraid to go off my medication though. I don't know how I will react. I want to try and better myself by losing some weight. But I don't know where to begin. I'm not big on exercise and I'm not big on cooking. I know too many excuses. I just need to find the time to get going.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Sunshine, Angels, and Rainbows
Sorry it has taken me so long to update my blog. Life as we know it has gotten crazy with the lack of sleep and a crazy 3 year old. As many of you know Saige Ashlyn Foley was born on February 6th at 9:45 at night. She entered the world with her cord wrapped around her neck and refusing to cry. She was fine, but they worried about her breathing for a day or so. She was 6 pounds and 1 ounce and was 18.5 inches long. By the time we had left the hospital she was down to 5 pounds and 11 ounces. We did not know what to do with a baby so small. We quickly relied on family to find us preemie diapers and clothes that fit her.
Deliver went well she pretty much came out on her own as my doctor wasn't quite ready for her to come. He was telling some story. If you were to know my doctor this is pretty normal. I love him dearly and he spent many hours while I was in labor with my family telling stories and jokes. I had tested positive Group B Strep so I was on antibiotic while in labor. I was induced that morning at 9 so labor took a little while. I also was blessed to have the same nurse with me to help deliver Saige as was there when I had Asher. It was so nice to share in this happy time with her.
Bringing Saige home was such a joy to all of us. I was trying to be Super Mom, but I'm just not her I guess. Others make it look so easy. As much as I love Olivia she has been a bit challenging at times because she has way more energy than I do and since we have the same personality we can butt heads sometimes. I really like sleep so not having that sleep has been hard on me. Oh well it was all worth it.
Saige is growing good ant is now almost 8 pounds. She has had some trouble with digesting and stuff so we are on our fourth different kind of formula with her. We hope to get it straighten out soon because it is super hard to see her cry in pain when she has a tummy ache. We will be getting her baptized sometime soon.
Things have been emotional. I still miss Asher like crazy and I find myself feeling guilty for not going to see him at the cemetery as much as I like. I still think about him all the time, but now my mind has to focus on Saige and Olivia. I know he understands though. He is watching down on us. I know he is probably laughing at his dad having to deal with all these girls in the house!
I will try to keep everyone more up to date. I hope things can settle down and the weather can warm up so I can send Olivia outside!
Deliver went well she pretty much came out on her own as my doctor wasn't quite ready for her to come. He was telling some story. If you were to know my doctor this is pretty normal. I love him dearly and he spent many hours while I was in labor with my family telling stories and jokes. I had tested positive Group B Strep so I was on antibiotic while in labor. I was induced that morning at 9 so labor took a little while. I also was blessed to have the same nurse with me to help deliver Saige as was there when I had Asher. It was so nice to share in this happy time with her.
Bringing Saige home was such a joy to all of us. I was trying to be Super Mom, but I'm just not her I guess. Others make it look so easy. As much as I love Olivia she has been a bit challenging at times because she has way more energy than I do and since we have the same personality we can butt heads sometimes. I really like sleep so not having that sleep has been hard on me. Oh well it was all worth it.
Saige is growing good ant is now almost 8 pounds. She has had some trouble with digesting and stuff so we are on our fourth different kind of formula with her. We hope to get it straighten out soon because it is super hard to see her cry in pain when she has a tummy ache. We will be getting her baptized sometime soon.
Things have been emotional. I still miss Asher like crazy and I find myself feeling guilty for not going to see him at the cemetery as much as I like. I still think about him all the time, but now my mind has to focus on Saige and Olivia. I know he understands though. He is watching down on us. I know he is probably laughing at his dad having to deal with all these girls in the house!
I will try to keep everyone more up to date. I hope things can settle down and the weather can warm up so I can send Olivia outside!
Monday, January 27, 2014
10 Days and Counting
Sorry I haven't written in awhile. It seems like life has been so busy lately. When I am not busy I am so tired and sore to do much. I am excited and terrified to say that I only have ten days left until I am going to be induced and will meet my baby. Things are still going well. I had two doctors appointments today. The baby was doing good and actually let us see part of his/her face today, which is more than we usually see. I have a lot of good foot pictures though. This one likes to snuggle up by my right hip and hide. My fluid level was at a 13 and the heart beat was around 154. That was all done at my high risk doctor's office. I will go back there one more time next Monday for one final growth scan to see how big the baby is. A few weeks ago the baby was four and a half pounds. So I'm guessing he/she will be close to six next Monday, or at least that is what I am hoping for.
I have also been seeing my regular OB Dr. Byington twice a week for a few weeks now. The nurses there are like family and Olivia knows them all by name. She loves to go with me and hold my hand. I have been having non stress tests along with exams and shots. The non stress tests are good I get to lay and listen to the heart beat and record the babies movements. It helps me to feel reassured that everything is going good. It's killer on my back though. But I will take any pain with this pregnancy as long as I get to bring this baby home in my arms. This past Friday I was dilated to 2 cm already. My doctor said don't do anything stupid and stay close to home. Today he didn't check me but said he "thinks" I will make it to my induction date. I go back to see him on Friday so I will make sure he checks me again.
I have had my phone interview with the hospital and put in my special requests. Such as I do not want to be in room 452, which is where Asher was born. They were super nice about it and said they will put me on a completely different hall way. I also requested to have the same nurse help to deliver this baby that delivered Asher. I want her there for this joy after all the heartache we have been through. Nurse Jennifer was so sweet to trade days with another nurse so she can hopefully be there. So hopefully we can hold on until 7 pm when she comes on duty. The hospital also knows how anxious I am about this whole thing and they said they will help me any way they can. I just don't know how I am going to react once I step foot on that floor.
We are getting all prepared for the baby at home. The crib is up and the sheets and clothes are washed and ready to go. The changing table is ready. We just need to get the car seat in the car. It is very strange getting this all ready. We had none of this done when Asher was coming. We packed the diaper bag and shed a few tears as we put in the going home outfit. For the going home outfit we packed for Asher was the one he was buried in. It's all bitter sweet. I am still very scared and I go through moments when I am sure that this baby is going to die too. I pray to God everyday that does not happen because I don't think I could handle it.
So far things are going good but they were with Asher too. It seems like no words of comfort people give me help. In the back of my mind I am like it was the same with Asher too. I am being watched so close though. I just have to keep taking things day by day and keep thinking positively.
I am officially on maternity leave now. My doctor wanted me to rest and really focus on the baby's movements and focus on what I am feeling. That means Olivia is home with me too. I feel like a bad mother saying this but I hope we survive our time together. I love her dearly but sometimes she makes me really frustrated. I am going to try to keep my cool. We have special plans for learning time and art and cooking projects. I hope we don't drive each other crazy. We have the same attitude and personality already so we butt heads sometimes. Which is crazy to say about a 3 year old. I try to reason with her and Chris is always like you are wasting your breath she is 3. We are going to work on our manners and not talking back. She is really into saying "that's not fair" so that will have to leave the house too. We will get through it. She is going to be a great big sister and she is super excited to have the baby come home with us.
Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we are coming to a close on this pregnancy and beginning out new journey. It has been a long 35 weeks so far, but I never thought I would make it this far. The prayers are appreciated and please really pray for us February 5th as I'm sure to be really crazy that day and also as I am induced on February 6th. I will try to post updates as soon as I can, but I will probably keep most of the updates off Facebook in case something were to go wrong.
10 days seems like so far away....
I have also been seeing my regular OB Dr. Byington twice a week for a few weeks now. The nurses there are like family and Olivia knows them all by name. She loves to go with me and hold my hand. I have been having non stress tests along with exams and shots. The non stress tests are good I get to lay and listen to the heart beat and record the babies movements. It helps me to feel reassured that everything is going good. It's killer on my back though. But I will take any pain with this pregnancy as long as I get to bring this baby home in my arms. This past Friday I was dilated to 2 cm already. My doctor said don't do anything stupid and stay close to home. Today he didn't check me but said he "thinks" I will make it to my induction date. I go back to see him on Friday so I will make sure he checks me again.
I have had my phone interview with the hospital and put in my special requests. Such as I do not want to be in room 452, which is where Asher was born. They were super nice about it and said they will put me on a completely different hall way. I also requested to have the same nurse help to deliver this baby that delivered Asher. I want her there for this joy after all the heartache we have been through. Nurse Jennifer was so sweet to trade days with another nurse so she can hopefully be there. So hopefully we can hold on until 7 pm when she comes on duty. The hospital also knows how anxious I am about this whole thing and they said they will help me any way they can. I just don't know how I am going to react once I step foot on that floor.
We are getting all prepared for the baby at home. The crib is up and the sheets and clothes are washed and ready to go. The changing table is ready. We just need to get the car seat in the car. It is very strange getting this all ready. We had none of this done when Asher was coming. We packed the diaper bag and shed a few tears as we put in the going home outfit. For the going home outfit we packed for Asher was the one he was buried in. It's all bitter sweet. I am still very scared and I go through moments when I am sure that this baby is going to die too. I pray to God everyday that does not happen because I don't think I could handle it.
So far things are going good but they were with Asher too. It seems like no words of comfort people give me help. In the back of my mind I am like it was the same with Asher too. I am being watched so close though. I just have to keep taking things day by day and keep thinking positively.
I am officially on maternity leave now. My doctor wanted me to rest and really focus on the baby's movements and focus on what I am feeling. That means Olivia is home with me too. I feel like a bad mother saying this but I hope we survive our time together. I love her dearly but sometimes she makes me really frustrated. I am going to try to keep my cool. We have special plans for learning time and art and cooking projects. I hope we don't drive each other crazy. We have the same attitude and personality already so we butt heads sometimes. Which is crazy to say about a 3 year old. I try to reason with her and Chris is always like you are wasting your breath she is 3. We are going to work on our manners and not talking back. She is really into saying "that's not fair" so that will have to leave the house too. We will get through it. She is going to be a great big sister and she is super excited to have the baby come home with us.
Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we are coming to a close on this pregnancy and beginning out new journey. It has been a long 35 weeks so far, but I never thought I would make it this far. The prayers are appreciated and please really pray for us February 5th as I'm sure to be really crazy that day and also as I am induced on February 6th. I will try to post updates as soon as I can, but I will probably keep most of the updates off Facebook in case something were to go wrong.
10 days seems like so far away....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)