Pennies from Heaven

Every night I talk to my sweet Asher before bed.  I tell him how much I love him and miss him.  And lately I have been asking him for strength to get through the next few weeks which are going to be so hard for us.  I can't believe he would have been eleven months old this past week.  The time has gone too fast and yet it seems like a long time ago that I got to hold him in my arms.  I didn't want to say goodbye to him because I never really got to say hello.  I miss him so so much.  Oh how my life would be different if he were here.  When I talk to him I also always tell him to take care of Olivia and to watch out for her and keep her safe.  And at the very end I always ask him to send me a sign that he is thinking of us and a sign that everything will be ok.  Today we got that sign.

 

To you it may just look like an ordinary penny.  But to our family finding a penny on the ground now means something much more.  A few weeks after Asher's death my mom sent me this poem which now holds so much meaning over our family.  We never look at that penny on the ground the same way.  Today Olivia and I found this penny in the parking lot on the way to swimming lessons.  I believe it was Asher's sign that he is thinking of us and that everything will be alright.  I have to have faith right?  Here is the poem:

"Pennies from Heaven"

I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground.
But it's not just a penny
This little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven
that's what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels tossed them down
Oh, how I loved that story!

He said when an Angel misses you
They toss a penny down,
sometimes just to cheer you up
To make a smile out of your frown.

So don't pass by that penny
When you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven
That an Angel's tossed to you.

Another Day

Well it's another day in my life.  It has been a challenging week for us in the Foley house.  There have been words that have been taken the wrong way and many many tears.  Maybe it was because there has been extra stress on us as we try to buy a different car to replace our broken one.  That means it was many nights that we were not in our normal "routine."  I hate being out of the routine, I like things to go as they are supposed to.  Which is probably also another reason Asher's death has been so hard on me.  It didn't turn out as planned.  We had planned to bring a baby home, we had planned to have one girl and one boy, the "perfect" family.  But things didn't go as planned.

Instead of bringing home my baby boy I had to leave the hospital with nothing but an empty car seat and a diaper bag that was packed but that the contents would never be used.  It sucked to put it mildly.  Instead of bringing my baby home I had to plan a funeral a couple of days after he was born.  Instead of bringing my baby home I had to have a funeral for him.  I still go visit him almost everyday, I don't know if that is good for me or not.  I can go see him without crying now though.

I still cry everyday.  There is something that usually sets me off.  The pregnant lady who comes into the bank that is due soon, the babies I see on Facebook, the catalog I get in the mail that tells me it is time to start planning that first birthday party.  Those are the things that make me sad.  I try to focus on Olivia, but she also makes me sad.  She is learning new stuff everyday and I think realize I will never see Asher learn those same things.  She is almost potty trained and I am longing to change a babys diaper.  I want to be rocking that baby and feeding him/her a bottle.  I hope I get that chance very soon again.  I will know in a couple of weeks if it is my time.

I have tried to not be too stressed out this time, but the stress always seems to find me.  I know I am depressed and I have anxiety and I maybe even have PTSD I don't know.  I know I probably need to get help, but I don't know how to ask and I don't know where to turn.  I am trying to deal with it on my own.  I have been talking to a friend a lot this week and he has given lots of great advice.  He told me that God has already forgiven me for all my past mistakes and that God doesn't think it's my fault for what happened to Asher.  So it is time I try and forgive myself.  I am trying I really am, but it's hard.  Asher was in my body when he died so that makes me feel responsible.  I am trying to live life as Asher would want me to.  I know he would want me to be happy again.  And maybe I will be happy again, I don't know.  But right now I am not.  I guess it is ok to not be ok.