Seven Months

Today Asher would have been seven months old.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  I have started a Bible study that is for those greiving their babies.  And the first lesson was to tell your story.  I know I have already told my story at the beginning, but it also suggested to tell the cause of death and stuff like that.  Well for me I don't know that answer.  Maybe that is why this is so very hard.  They think Asher had a blood clot in his umbilical cord, but we will never know and that is so hard for me.  I want to fix the problem, but I just can't.  Why didn't I know something was wrong with my baby?  Why didn't I know he was in trouble then I could of FIXED it.  They say this won't happen again, but how do they know.  How can I trust my body again?  I know I say that a lot but I just don't know how. 

It is trying to get pregnant week at our house.  And that always comes with many emotions.  I know it's my body that is keeping it from happening.  I got pregnant after Asher but then miscarried and I simply can't go through that again.  Why did my body and my God let that happen to me again?

So after this week of trying it is wait and see.  I am not a patient person at all so it will feel like years even though it will be a couple of weeks.  I just miss my Asher so much.  I miss the feel of his body in my arms after he was born.  And then I had to leave him.  I wasn't supposed to have to leave him there.  I go visit him almost everyday and we took him a rose as a family the other day.  It was hard.  I never knew how hard Valentine's Day would be for me.  Probably because it is a holiday that revolves around the heart, and my heart is simply broken.  I don't know how to repair it.  I will never be the same person that I once was.  I find myself having more angry moments and there are many many sad moments.  I haven't had any happy moments really.  Sure Olivia makes me smile and laugh.  But I feel that is all on the outside.  I am still dying on the inside.  And I know another baby will not solve my problems.  But maybe it can be the glue that starts to heal my heart.

I hear all these stories about babies over coming odds on the tv and while I am so glad that another mom doesn't have to go through the pain I am, I just want to scream, "AT LEAST YOUR BABY IS ALIVE, BECAUSE MINE IS DEAD."  Maybe it is my attitude, which I am sure it is.  But nothing is as it once was.  Everything has changed for me.  I don't enjoy things like I used to.  Work isn't the same, reading isn't as fun.  I just get up out of bed and go through the motions of life that is all I can do.

I go to the doctor today to see how my cyst is donig on my ovary.  I don't really want to go, I'm not sure if I would be better off not knowing or if I need to know.  I hope it is not more bad news.  I have beat the odds by getting pregnant three times before I just hope it can happen again and I can bring this baby home with me.  I guess I will have to wait and see.


Here are some song lyrics that made me cry this week:

"Broken"
by Lindsey Haun

Wake up to a Sunny Day
Not a cloud up in the sky
And then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around
So open and exposed
But I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my troubles

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hittin' walls and gettin' scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking
Yeah

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find it's place
When you're broken
When you're broken

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Oh When you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken

 

This song seems fitting because that is exactly how I feel is broken in a million little pieces.  And every tear that falls down is for a reason, and that reason is Asher.  There hasn't been a day go by since July 20th that I haven't shed tears.  Will I ever feel whole again?

Months, Weeks, Days, Hours, Minutes

It has been a very bad and trying week for me.  I don't know what it is, ok maybe I do, but I have been super emotional.  Probably because I know about six people who have had babies in the last few weeks.  Now don't get me wrong I am happy for them, happy they don't have to feel the pain I do, but at the same time I am super jealous.  I am jealous that they got to hear there babies cry and they got to see them with there eyes open.  I am sad that I didn't even get to bring my baby home.  I had to leave my sweet Asher at the hospital.  I have been thinking a lot about the night I left the hospital.

Chris went to get the car and the nurse asked me if I wanted to see Asher one last time.  And I did, it was so hard to leave him there.  He was supposed to be coming home with me.  Even now it hurts me to my core to remember that.  I hate that my family only got to hold by baby once.  And I also hate that I may never be able to tell my grandpa happy birthday again.  Asher was born into heaven on his birthday.  I still remember telling Chris that I felt so bad that I couldn't even tell my grandpa happy birthday.  I hope he will understand that I might be able to tell him the day before, but I don't know if I will be able to tell him on the day. 

I am really struggling with the whys again this week too.  Why did this happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Am I being punished for something?  There just are no answers and maybe that is the hardest part of all this.  How do I know that this isn't going to happen again if I get pregnant?  I had Asher born into heaven and then I had a miscarriage.  I just don't know what it will do to me if I lose another baby.

I am almost at my breaking point the way it is.  I want to scream.  I am going through my angry stage again.  There is just a lot of things that are really making me upset.  Whether it be at home or work, I just feel like I can't catch a break.  The everyday tasks are exhausting for me.  Grief and depression is very exhausting.  I go to bed every night early and end up crying myself to sleep.  Night time is just a very lonely time for me.  I just want my baby back so bad.

We are trying again to get pregnant.  It is a very scary time for me and Chris.  We struggle with wanting another baby so bad to being so scared this is going to happen again.  If we lose another baby I don't know what it will do to us.  I will break I know I will.  I am so close now.  I know it is not the way to think but I sometimes wonder if I would be better off with Asher.  But I know I can never leave Olivia.

I hate leaving the house.  I have never been an out going person to start with.  But if I never had to leave my house again I would be fine.  It is a safe place for me.  I don't have to put on my "act" there.  I don't have to act like I care.  All I have to do is take care of my family.  I love being home with Olivia and I could stay home with her forever.  I don't like dealing with the outside world it's just too painful.  I love my friends and family dearly for being there for me through all this.  And I know my true friends and family will remain by myside no matter what I say and no matter how sad I get.  I just hope we can have a happy time to celebrate this year.

But so far I just count the months, weeks, days, hours, and minutes since I lost Asher.  And count the months, weeks, days, hours, and minutes that I am not pregnant with another precious baby.  I remember praying for Asher to be healthy when I was pregnant with him.  Now I find myself praying that my next baby is healthy, alive, and I get to bring him home this time.  I feel like my prayers have to be so literal now.  Asher was perfect in every way.  Why God did he have to die?

One Month Down

I haven't written in awhile.  I have been trying to sort out my thoughts I guess.  We moved Olivia to a big girl bed, which made me really sad.  I remember when she slept in her crib for the first time, she looked so small.  Now my baby is growing up and it makes me miss Asher even more.  I long to hold a tiny little baby again.  Olivia is doing pretty good in her big girl bed.  She was sick for a few days so I got to stay home with her.  I miss staying home.  I really don't think I would leave the house much if I didn't have to.  At home I don't have to face the world and I don't have to put on this act for people.  The "happy" face I have to put on can be really challenging at times, and it is really exhausting.  The weather doesn't help either.  I hate the cold and I really hate the snow.  I haven't even been able to go see Asher all week.  It broke my heart to tell Olivia no we can't when she asked to go see Asher yesterday as we left daycare.  I hope we can go see him again soon.

There are some days and nights when I really just want to give up.  Last night was one of those nights.  I don't know why I just didn't want to do things any more.  I was a mess and Olivia wouldn't go to bed.  She was screaming and crying from her room.  And I hate to hear her cry.  It has gotten even worse now that Asher has died.  I was crying my eyes out and thinking if it was really worth it.  Then she came up to me and gave me the biggest hug.  So I know I need to keep going for her.  It's hard though.  I feel like a horrible mom a lot of the time.  I feel bad when I have to make her cry it out in her bed.  I feel like a horrible mom who didn't even know her baby was in trouble inside of her and he died.  I hate that is happened and I would do anything and everything to change it, I just don't know how.  I want to trust my body again, but I don't know how.  Will I ever feel different I don't know yet.

I try to talk about Asher with others, but they just don't seem to care.  Yes it makes me sad to talk about him, but it is also good for me.  That way I know he is not forgotten, because I will never forget him.  He is in my thoughts constantly.  I had someone the other day told me she likes reading my blog and it really helped to know that someone takes the time out of there day to look at my thoughts and feelings and be there with me.  It really is hard.  I never have liked myself, but now it is so much worse.  I hope I will not pass this on to Olivia.  I want to teach her how to love herself.  She makes me laugh everynight and I love when she tells me she loves me all day.  She really is what keeps me going.

I went back to the doctor this week, and had another ultrasound.  My cyst is still there.  It hasn't grown any bigger, but my doctor doesn't think it will go away on its own.  I have a history of endometriosis and he is pretty sure that it what it is.  He is hoping it will not effect my chances of getting pregnant but he isn't sure.  So we are going to try again for a few months and see what happens.  If we don't get pregnant then I will probably have to have surgery.  He is hoping to save my ovary, since it is the only one I have left.  So we are praying things will work out and we will get pregnant again soon.  So please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  I really need something good to happen.  I need something to hope for and look forward to again.  So far the first month of 2013 has not been the greatest, so here's to hoping it will get better.