Well another Holiday season is upon us. I am having trouble this year. We sold our house so most of our stuff is in storage. So I'm not completely sure where Asher's decorations for his grave are. I want to put up his Charlie Brown Christmas tree so I need to look for it. I am also feeling really guilty that I don't go visit him as often as I used to. I know he is always in my heart and thoughts but it still isn't the same to me. I just need to get out there for a visit. I still miss him so much. I don't know if the pain will ever go away. Thanksgiving is especially hard for me because I found out I was pregnant with Asher the Saturday after Thanksgiving in 2011. Then in 2012 after I had lost Asher I had to have a D & C the week of Thanksgiving for my miscarriage. I wanted to be pregnant so bad so that was a huge blow to my already broken heart.
I am so thankful this year for Olivia and now Miss Saige. Saige is growing so fast and it makes me sad that I will soon be planning her 1st Birthday. She is almost 10 months old and completely different than Olivia was. Saige is into everything and just starting to be mobile. She wants to be walking so bad but for now she has perfected the butt scoot. She will go in circles to get where she wants to be and then get on one knee and pull herself into trouble. She is into everything. Nothing is safe with her. Olivia was never like that. I always said when I was pregnant with Asher that he would be trouble. And after he died I always felt super guilty about saying that. Maybe this is Asher getting me back for that. I know he is watching out for us and enjoying watching Saige grow up.
We have had a lot of changes in the last few months with selling our house and Olivia going to school. I am soon going to be starting to look for full time work. I want to wait until Olivia is in school all day so I only have to find daycare for Saige. But I love the time I get to spend with Saige. I don't want to miss those first steps and first words. I was home with Olivia her first 9 months so I am glad I get to spend these days with Saige.
One more Thanksgiving meal to go today and then looking on to Christmas. It will be hard like it always is, but I am also excited to see Saige open her first gifts and Olivia is really starting to understand the meaning of Christmas and all that. So this year will be fun. I will visit Asher like always and know that he is there with us on Christmas and always.
