Memorial day wasn't an easy one for me. We went to put flowers on Asher's grave on Saturday. I was over come with emotion when I seen how many people put flowers on his grave. It was amazing to see how many people love him so much and who love our family so much. I mean I go see him everyday, but it was special to see how decorated it was. We went to a family party on Sunday and it was hard. It is always so hard for me to put on the happy face and act like everything is ok when I'm dying inside. No one really gets it. It is exhausting to put up that face. And don't tell me God will provide what we need. Maybe he will but he took my child from me. All I want is to be pregnant and to focus on growing a healthy baby that I can bring home this time. It's not easy believe me. And I hate talking about making plans for things in the future.
Talk about a future vacation brings anxiety to me. I hope that by that time I will have a newborn in my arms. I don't want to make a commitment or get my hopes up. I don't want to go far from home. I want to be close to Asher. I know I carry him every where in my heart, but for some reason I feel physically close to him at the cemetery and at my house. I still hate leaving the house. I would rather just stay home with Olivia. It is so hard for me to see pregnant people or babies. I try to avoid those situations.
Today we are taking Olivia's 3 year pictures and some family pictures. I would rather not do the family pictures, but I know it will be important to Olivia some day. It is just hard to do when Asher is supposed to be in those pictures too. We are going to incorporate some pictures of him in the family pictures, so I hope they turn out good. I just don't want anyone to forget him. I know I never will, but he is part of my family and he always will be. There is a huge hole in my heart, and I don't know if it will ever be filled again. Like I have said many times before a part of me died when I found out Asher died. I will never be the same person and if you don't like the new person I have become then so be it. I can't help it. Nothing has the same meaning it once did and it probably won't. Some problems just don't see worth worrying about any more. So until you know and feel my pain please don't judge me. I am doing the best I can.
Well today was not an easy day for me. It was Mother's Day and I am the mother of an angel. I miss my Asher so much. I went to see him at the cemetery and I like to think that he was looking down on me today. I pray for all the mother's who have suffered this great loss. It seems like more and more people are having babies or are pregnant again. I just want a chance again. I need that baby in my arms. Only a couple people told me happy mother's day. Not even my husband did, and I guess that upset me. Maybe he didn't want to make me sad, but I already was so it ddin't matter.
I was lucky enough to have a great distraction today so I could forget about Mother's day. We celebrated Olivia's 3rd birthday. I can't believe she will be three tomorrow. It seems like just yesterday I was in the hospital having her. I wasn in labor for almost 24 hours before she arrived and she was perfect. My little bundle of joy. She made me smile today and I guess that was what I needed. It makes me so sad to look at her grow up so fast. I know I should focus on her, but in the back of my mind I always think about how Asher will never celebrate any birthdays here on earth. And how by the time we have another child if we are blessed with one that Olivia will almost be another year older. I didn't want my children spaced so far apart. But I guess you get what you get. I wish Asher were here every second of the day. I am praying for acceptance and for the chance to be pregnant again and to bring another baby home.
I was induced with Olivia and she was a stubborn one and would never hold still for the heart monitor. We waited and waited all day for her to come. She was finally born at 3:15 a.m. on May 13, 2010. We like to tease her about how she got her name. Chris and I hadn't decided on a name yet and she was born and the doctors were cleaning her up and Chris left to go tell everyone she was here. He came back into the room and I said so what should we name her and he was like oh I already told everyone her name was Olivia Ann. But it suits her well. She is my pride and joy and the only reason I get out of bed everyday. As her mother I hope she never has to go through this kind of heartache and pain in her lifetime. I hope she enjoyed her birthday. She had a great party and she received a lot of things for her doll Sophie. She got a stroller, car seat, diaper bag, high chair, and clothes for her doll. While sitting rocking her tonight after we got home she looked at me and said, "Ma Ma I sure got alot of things for Sophie today." And I said yes you did Olivia. And she said, "I sure feel like a mommy now." She is a wonderful mommy to Sophie and I know she will be a wonderful mother somday because she has so much compasion and is wise beyond her years. I love you Olivia Ann Foley. You are my pride and joy.
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I guess today is Bereaved Mother's Day. It is my first one. I know I have Olivia and get to celebrate the real day too, but this is the one I get to remember my Asher. I still cry everyday and think about him all the time. I just can't get over his death. I read an article on how we can sometimes dwell on our loss. I don't care if I am dwelling I love my son and I will never get over it. I don't want to get over it. I loved him so much and I ddin't even get the chance to know him. I wish the pain wasn't so great, but I don't know how to make it better. Everyday I am reminded about my loss. Whether it is the baby I see at work or the pregnant person at the store. It is always a slap in the face and no way to get rid of it.
I want to be pregnant so bad. And as Chris pointed out, it won't be Asher and it won't be a baby forever. And I know that I wanted to scream at him. But at least it would be something in my arms that still ache. It would be that little cry and something to take care ot. I want to be pregnant so I have a reason to take care of my body because right now I really don't care. I want to be pregnant so I have something else to think about. Right now my mind is consumed with losing Asher. I relive that day over and over and over. I just need something else to focus on. Every month when I get my period again it is like he dies all over again. I hate my body and don't know if I will ever like it again.
I am trying to learn to live with things as they are, but it is so hard. I prepared nine months for Asher and it all seems like it was for nothing. I am trying to focus my days on preparing for Olivia's third birthday party. That is hard for me too though. Asher was supposed to be here. Olivia was supposed to have a brother here are earth, but she doesn't. And if I don't get pregnant soon she is going to be four before the next one is ever born. I didn't want my kids spaced that far apart. That wasn't part of my life plan. But I guess God had others plans for me. And I don't like them.
I still find it hard to pray to him since he doesn't seem to answer them anyway. I do thank him for what I have. I figured he already knows what I want anyway.
We put our house up for sale again and I hope it sells soon. There are too many bad memories in this house. I need a fresh start. We all need a fresh start.
Please God answer my praryers!
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