I know I have written about this before. But I guess in my mind I always thought I would be Super Mom. The one with the clean house, the happy well behaved kids, and everything just perfect. But I guess that doesn't exsist.
We are going through some tough times with Olivia again. She has such an attitude. I know she gets it from me and we feed off of each other. I just don't know how to change it. I try not to yell at her but she knows just what buttons to push. I know she needs to be around kids more, but it is just hard to do with a baby around too. She is so dramatic. She throws herself on the floor like the world is ending. She can produce tears like that. She is currently into slamming and locking her bed room door. For the people who know me well you know my favotire show is Roseanne. And there is an episode where the daughter Becky (who is much older around 14) loses her bedroom door for slamming it. That is going to be us very soon. Where did my sweet child go? Don't get me wrong we have our good times. I love to play with her and read to her and take her swimming. But if it's not her way right now then it's melt down city. What can I do different? I get so frustrated and then I feel like a horrible mother and super guilty.
I feel like if this doesn't change she is going to think back on her childhood and realize it was not a happy time. I'm sure that is all in my head, but I want to make it better. Olivia just doens't understand that when Saige is hungry then she needs to be fed and such. All Olivia wants to do is watch TV or play on the computer. I tried to explain to her that it isn't good for her, but she cries and cries until I just give in because I want her to be quiet so I can have a break from her. We thought the swing set would help, but now she insits that she can't swing unless someone is pushing her. Major back fire!
We plan on spending lots of time at the pool just me and her. So I hope that helps. I try to spend just time with me and her, but it is hard when you are home all day with both girls. I guess we will continue to work on things.
Saige is doing good. Growing up too fast, she is 4 months old already. We seem to have a handle on her MSPI for now. She loves to kick and make noise. She "talks" her little talk all the time. She is such a joy to have around the hosue. Olivia loves her so much and Saige just lights up when Olivia is around. Our goal for Saige is to get her to sleep in her crib. She is fine in there to play for a little while, but she hates to sleep in there. We really need to work on it. But if we put her in there at bed time Olivia always says she makes too much noise. So we have some things to work on. I will talk to Saige's doctor about things on Monday when Saige goes in for her 4 month check up.
I find myself during these difficult time missing Asher like crazy. I know he is watching out for us. We went to visit him on Memorial Day and he had a little buddy hanging out with him. It was a toad. It scared me when it jumped before I knew it was there. I think Asher was playing tricks on his mommy. the toad didn't move away from Asher's stone the whole time we were out there. My mom also said when she was out there visiting Asher that his toy fire truck was moving and there was no wind that day. I think Asher is letting us know he is with us. I miss him so much and wish everyday I could have my baby boy with me. I just have to remind myself that Saige would not be here if Asher had lived. I know it's a crazy way to think of things. But Asher's death gave me my beautiful rainbow baby Saige and his death has changed me. And I hope it was for the better. I know I don't take things for granted anymore. I look at everyday as a gift.
And if you are listening Asher, please help me be a better mom to my girls and to you!
