28 Weeks the Holidays and Stuff

Well a lot has been going on in my house I guess.  I know I should have updated this a long long time ago, but sometimes I just don't know how to put into words how I feel.  Olivia is keeping me increasingly busy this month.  I don't think I have a free weekend until January.  Well and my two wonderful doctors are also keeping my Mondays full and probably more appointments to come, but more on that later.

So the holiday season as you can imagine is one that is still really tough on me.  The weather doesn't help, espcially when it goes from 60 degrees to 10 in two days.  I always have trouble with the season change and more darkness means more time to think.  Olivia and I decorated Asher's grave the other morning and it looks good.  We still need to put up his little Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  It's tough on me to not be able to see him much.  I do try to drive threw the cemetery a few times a week, but it isn't the same as getting out and going to touch his stone.

Thanksgivng came and went we had three of them.  My doctor said I gained 7 pounds I said give me a break!  This year was a little better than last year.  Last year I was dealing with it being the first "real" holiday since Asher died and I was also recovering from a D & C after having a miscarriage that week.  But this Thanksgiving I turned 27 weeks, which means 10 weeks to go until I am induced with Baby Foley.

We are so happy that things are still going good with Baby Foley.  Some of you may know what I am having and that's fine.  I am still trying to keep it under wraps a little bit.  We also already have a name picked out.  I am scheduled to be induced on February 6th when I am 37 weeks along.  I can't wait to hold this baby in my arms.  But I still have a strong fear that something is going to go wrong.  I was put on some antiaxiety medication to help with all that, but I still worry pretty much constantly.  I mean how can I not.  Everything was fine with Asher two days before he was born into Heaven.  I will feel a little bit at ease once I hear this baby cry.  But knowing me that will not stop the worry.  There are so many things to worry about as a parent.

Olivia had strep and a sinus infection a couple weeks ago and I felt so bad I didn't take her to the doctor sooner so I worried about her.  Since Asher's death I check on her multiple times a night to make sure she is still breathing and it ok.  I also had the stomach flu last week, that wasn't fun.  I got dehydrated and was really weak.  Now I have a cold.  I just want to feel better.

Like I said Baby Foley is still doing great.  He/She is a stubborn thing, always hiding it's face when it's time for an ultrasound.  The baby moves around a lot but is completly backwards it's active all day and then once it's bed time it sleeps.  Which makes me super nervous because when I can't sleep I lay awake wondering if the baby is ok.  I don't think I have slept good for a couple months now.  I just can't seem to sleep.  I really want to sleep though.  I am still seeing my regular OB and a high risk doctor.  I see one of the doctors each week and then I still get my shots twice a week which I will take until the end.  My high risk doctor will start monitoring more often once I hit 35 weeks and my regular OB is going to start monitoring me twice a week once I hit 31 weeks I believe.  So I will be seeing a lot of my doctors.  I love all the nurses too they let me listen to the heartbeat whenever I want to.  I am checking my blood sugar four times a day to monitor for gestational diabetes.  I'm not sure if I have it or not, but I am border line.  I am also on some iron pills.  The baby is sucking all the iron out of me.  Somedays I feel like a walking medicine cabinet.  Chris listens to the baby every night by putting his ear to my stomach.  He talks to the baby and last night it was punching his ear. 

Olivia is so excited for the baby to come.  She said the other night she wants to take it out in the snow.  I tried to explain to her that it couldn't go in the snow because it was too cold and she just said well you can wrap it in a blanket.  She is too smart for her own good most of the time.  We are getting ready for her dance recital, which is on December 14th.  She is super excited to be a reindeer.  I can't wait to see her dance.  This month will be her last month of dance which makes me sad but it is too hard on us to get up there once a week and right now twice a week for class when I am already going to Lincoln so much.  And pretty soon we just won't be able to afford it any more.  She also has a Christmas Program at church which she is excited about.  She is growing up so fast.  I'm not sure we are going to see Santa this year she is pretty much dead set on not seeing him and I don't want to scare her.  She has asked for a doll house and she is getting a big one.  She is going to be so excited.

Also to add to my busy schedule I have decided to become and Independent Designer for Origami Owl Living Lockets.  They are super cool lcokets that you can personalize yourself with little charms.  I love the one I have because I can have both things that remind me of Olivia and Asher in the same locket and soon to be the new baby.  I am excited to host my launch party this weekend and people seem to be responding well to it.  It's super important to make something that is all your own and wear it with pride.

I will try to update more often as things get closer to baby time and as the holidays calm down.  But until them please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we go through another holiday without our sweet baby Asher.  And also for a good out come with my pregnancy and birth.

Goodbye to my 20s

In a couple of days (October 7th) I will be saying goodbye to my 20s.  Some of those years were good and some were not good at all.  I know I have grown up a ton and learned more about life and death then I ever thought I would have to learn.  I also know I have learned that love can over come even the worst of times.  I never know how much love I could have for a little person who grew inside of me for 38 weeks and whom I never got to meet. 

I felt Asher move inside me, but I never got to hear him cry or see his first smile.  Even though I never got to see or hear those things I love him just as much as I love Olivia.  I also love this baby that is growing inside of me now.  Next week will mark 20 weeks and I can already feel the baby move.  And he/she moves a ton.  I had an ultrasound last week and the baby was very stubborn and didn't want their picture taken for measurements.  But my high risk doctor said everything looked great.  But as I now know all that can change in a second.  So he told me if I ever don't feel right or am uncomfortable that I can come in anytime to see my baby.  He also said our goal is 35 weeks, if after that the stress is just too much for me then we will have a baby if everything looks good.  So I really only have 15 or 16 weeks left to go.  Granted they are going to be the longest weeks of my life.  We found out the sex of the baby, but we have choose not to tell many people at this time.  We might keep it a secret until the baby is born, we are just not sure yet.

I know Chris and I can make it through anything now.  We made it through the death of a child.  I know we cherish Olivia so much more and we are very aware of this pregnancy.  Chris and Olivia love to listen to the baby and it helps me to know that the baby is in there and moving around.  Chris made his first purchases for the baby today and they are ever so cute.  I hope this time around the baby can wear one of the outfits home.  We still need lots of prayers as the weeks to come will be tough on me.  My body is hanging in there, but it hasn't been easy with my headaches and such.  I also had an allergic reaction to my last progesterone shot.  I am hoping that does not happen again because it wasn't a fun time.

In the past I have talked about joining the club that no mother/parent wants to be a part of.  The one of those who are grieving the loss of their child.  I joined that club in 2012.  But I also have to remember that my mom and my dad also had to join that club not just once but twice also.  On October 7, 1983 my parents welcomed two baby girls into this world.  We were born around 32 weeks or so.  We were tiny.  Little did they know that on October 8th my sister Stephanie would get sick and gain her angel wings.  So as they are happy to help me celebrate my birthday it probably is also a time of great sadness.  I have to remember that.  And since Asher died I am more aware of my sister.  I have always knows she was there but now she is up in heaven raising my baby.  My mom also had another loss which I don't know much about.  I just hope that down the road Olivia and any of my children to come never has to join this club.  I hope that God does not let anyone else in my family gain entry into it.  But I also know that is takes very special people to be in this club.  For I have learned I am way stronger than I ever thought I could be.  But it's still not easy and everyday is a struggle.  I will never get over Asher and nothing can make him or the pain of losing him go away.

So when October 7th rolls around someone please have a drink for me, because I will probably need one and since I can't have one myself.  So here's to turning 30 and hopefully no more heartache.

The Best I Can

As I sit here to type this I am on day two of one of the worst headaches I have had in a long time.  I am not sure what causes them, but I'm guessing stress and hormones.  The medicine I was given by my doctor really hasn't helped.  But I know they make me sick to my stomach and I feel like someone has taken a baseball bat to my head when I stand and walk.  I really hope it goes away soon.

I guess when I thought of what to write I just wanted to say that I am doing the best I can given the circumstances I have been given.  Now maybe I'm throwing myself a pity party and I know others who have problems in their lives, but right in the here and now I am focused on three things in my life.  One is making sure Olivia knows she is loved and that I want her to experience everything she possibly can.  Second is I am focused on my pregnancy and third I am focused on grieving for Asher.  Some may think that just because I am pregnant that I have stopped grieving.  And that is so far from the truth.  I miss Asher with all of my being.  Whether it's been a year or five years I am always going to miss him.  I will never get over his death.

I am trying to be the best parent I can be to Olivia, but it makes me sad that she has to know so much about life and death at such a young age.  She has been talking a lot about Asher lately.  She cries and says she misses him.  I told her it was ok to miss Asher and still have fun and be happy and that it was also ok to cry.  I told her it is ok for her to tell people that she misses Asher.  I also wanted her to know that just because there is a baby in my tummy that we would still miss Asher after this baby comes.  I hate that I go into her room several times I night to see if she is still breathing.  Maybe other parents do that too, but I still have a fear that God is going to take her from me too.

Stress has played a big part of my life the last year and a half.  I don't do well with it and I hate that I stress about everything.  Most days I don't want to leave the house because I know what stress is out there.  I just wish I could work from home and not have to deal with others.  All in life I care about now is my family.  I want to see Olivia every second of the day.  I know stress of work and such is not good on my body or the baby I am carrying.  I don't know what to do about it.  I can't afford to quit.  I just wish people realized how much of a strain it is on me.  I am doing the best I can with what I have been given.  Not everyone has experience losing two children like I have.  Some may not even consider my miscarriage losing a child, but I do.  I am blessed to be pregnant again, but I am so terrified I can't enjoy it.  Every twinge my body makes freaks me out.  I am scared every time I go to the doctor and have an ultrasound that there will be no heartbeat.  I pray to God multiple times a day to please let me bring this live healthy baby home with me.  Because if something bad happens again I don't know what it will do to me.  And I don't know what it will do to my family.  I know I can't handle it.

I am almost 17 weeks along and the baby is doing good.  It has a strong heartbeat and growing like it should.  But when I hear that all I can think of was so was Asher.  Asher had the best heartbeat two days before he went to heaven.  So until I hear this baby cry I don't think I can feel any joy.  I start seeing a high risk doctor on September 30th.  He will do an in depth scan to make sure everything looks good with the baby including the umbilical cord and my fluid level.  So please pray all of that goes well.  When I reach 17 weeks I only have 20 more weeks to go.  My doctor said I will deliver at 37 weeks if not before if I have complications.  I really just want to live at the hospital so I can be monitored 24/7.  I am starting to feel the baby move a little bit and Olivia and Chris love to listen to the baby.  My doctor tried to take me down to one shot of progesterone a week but that didn't work so I'm back to two shots a week now.  That also causes stress because they are expensive.  I'm sure everything will work out in the end but I just have to worry about so much. 

Three pregnancies in two years has taken a toll on my body as well.  My back is not good.  When I had back surgery that doctor said pregnancy will ruin it all over again.  But I will suffer if I get to bring this baby home.  I am so blessed to even be pregnant for the fourth time.  According to my doctor due to my endemetrosis history and surgeries I am super lucky to even have gotten pregnant once.  So I guess I am doing the best I can with what I have been given.  I hope people understand that.

Losing Asher has really made me see who the important people are in my life.  I have friends who are now more like family then some family has been.  I may have lost some friends I'm not sure, but I know the ones who haven't left me and are always there for me when I need them.  There are also some who I thought would be more "there" for me than they have been.  And maybe they don't know what to say but you don't have to say anything just ask how I am doing.  I am sure if everything works out with this pregnancy and this baby they will be there to share my joy, which is fine, but where were you when I needed you in my darkest days?  Where were you when I was grieving the loss of Asher?  It takes a couple seconds to send a text message or e-mail.  Then you don't even have to hear my voice or see my tears.

I am doing the best I can with what I have been given so don't judge me.

Rainbow Baby

A "Rainbow Baby" is a (miracle) baby conceived after the loss of another child.

"Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.

Almost Fall

So it has been awhile since I have wrote.  I guess I just needed a break.  The summer has gone quickly.  I still am trying to beleive that Asher has been gone for over a year (13 months) already.  I still visit him almost everyday.  I know he is watching out for us and wants to see me happy.  I do cry less than I used to.  I still find it hard to have any good days.  I would say I am really just going with the flow and living right now.  Of course Olivia keeps me really busy.  She didn't really have a terrible two stage, but I think she has a little bit of the terrible three's.  So we are working on not talking back and listening.  I don't spank her and I will never spank her.  I am not against it, I just won't do it to my child.  So she gets time out.  It seems to work well for her.

Olivia will keep me busy in the weeks to come.  She will start dance class again in Lincoln on September 9th.  We are really excited for that.  It will be every Monday until May and then we will get to see her in a recital.  I can't wait to see that.  Olivia will also be started Sunday School.  She is really excited for that too.  I also might be a Sunday School teacher.  So we will see how that goes.

The other big news for us is I'm expecting again.  This has brought about a lot of emotions.  We are of course very excited about it, but also terrified beyond words.  There are times when I feel guilty about being pregnant again.  I know Asher is happy for us and he is watching down on us.  A baby after a loss is called a rainbow baby.  And I know Asher is watching out for us, because the day after Asher's birthday Chris and I were leaving the cemetery after visisting him (the day before my first ultrasound) and what do we see but a beautiful rainbow in the sky.  I believe Asher sent that too us to tell us that everything was going to be ok.

Of course with this pregnancy I have a lot of anxiety.  Every back ache or pain in my side makes me worry that something bad is going to happen.  But so far things are going good.  This week will mark me being 14 weeks pregnant.  We have seen the baby 3 times on ultrasounds.  My doctor is taking extra special care of me.  Which includes shots twice a week and medicine every night to make sure my hormone levels stay in check.  I am not sure how long I will have to do all that, but it could be the entire time, which is fine with me.  As long as I get to bring a live, healthy, baby home at the end of all this things will be great.  I will also be going to see a high risk doctor soon so he can also watch to make sure things are going as planned.  My due date if around February 27th, but my doctor thought I would have the baby around February 10th.  I will try to keep everyone updated here on my blog.  I am not sure how much I will post on Facebook becaues I know how horrible it can be to see all the pregnancy updates and pictures of new babies when you have just experienced a loss.  It sucks to see it actually.  It can make you angry and sad all over again.  So I am going to try not to do that.  I am lucky to belong to a couple groups of women who are pregnant again after suffering a loss.  It is very helpful to speak our minds there because they truly know what I am going through and feel just the way I do.

So until my next update please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers that everything goes well for us.  We truly want to bring this baby home.  I need to have something in my arms again. 

A Year Ago Today.... Part 5

Well a year ago today was probably the second worst day of my life.  Today was the day I had to lay my sweet beautiful baby to rest.  A year ago today would have been his funeral and the last day I would see his beautiful face in person.  I don't remember a whole lot from the actual day.  I know I cried a lot and a lot of people were at the church to pay there respects and to say goodbye to Asher.  The night before the funereal we had a viewing just for family.  That was so hard for me.  I got to see Asher for the first time since I left him at the hospital.  I hated seeing him in the casket.  He was so small and innocent.  I remember breaking down and just scream Why my baby?  I just wanted my baby back.

Looking back I wish we would of had the funereal on DVD.  We were asked if we wanted to but we said no.  I don't know if I would ever watch it again, but it would be nice to have.  I remember Jesus Loves Me was one of the songs.  And really the only other thing I remember was Olivia pooped during the funereal.  I know that is a crazy thing to remember, but that is what I do remember.

The cemetery was so hot and the grass was so dry.  Where the ground was mounded over his little body that day is now flat.  His headstone is in place.  I still go and visit him almost everyday.  It's how I feel close to him.

The physical pain of giving birth wasn't too bad, but the emotional pain was so great.  I remember taking pain medication.  Trying to take the pain away from my heart.  But it never worked.  It did help me sleep a little bit, but it never took the pain away.  The pain is still here and still great.

It still hurts to see the babies on Facebook.  I just think how could all these women have healthy babies.  Why did mine die?  How come I have to be different?  I just want to be happy like them.  When is it going to be my turn to hear my newborn baby cry?  Everyone makes it look so easy.  And it should be easy.  Why do I have to work so hard to get to bring a baby home?  I hope my family will get what is wishes and longs for soon.  We just want that baby crying to come home with us.

A Year Ago Today... Part 4

A year ago today, I had to do another thing that no parent should ever have to do.  I had to plan a funeral.  It was the day I was supposed to be bringing my baby home from the hospital.  But instead I had to go plan his funereal.  I didn't know the first thing about planning a funereal.  I was a mess.  I was still numb and in shock.

Chris and I were lucky to have the support we did because otherwise we never would have made it.  We had to plan out the music for his funeral what day we wanted it and everything.  It was so hard.  There really isn't much about that day I really remember.  I know we were constantly surrounded by family.  I remember just wanting to sleep in my bed and to wake up from the nightmare.  But I never woke up, and in a couple too short days I had to lay my baby to rest.

A Year Ago Today... Part 3

It was one year ago today that I left the hospital.  I was supposed to be leaving the hospital with a sweet baby boy in my arms.  Instead I left the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart.  I remember it was the longest, quietest ride home from Lincoln ever.  My arms physically ached from not having a baby in them.  I was numb and in shock by everything that had happened.

I remember before leaving the hospital breaking down and crying in the bed just horrible sobs.  And Olivia climbing up on my bed and hugging me and wiping away my tears and telling me that everything was going to be alright.  She is such a sweet girl.  And yesterday when I broke down in those same sobs she hugged me and wiped away my tears and told me that everything was going to be ok.  I hope so Olivia I really do.  It is just still so hard to not have Asher here.

I remember holding Asher for the last time and the nurse taking him away.  Chris had gone to get the car and she asked if I wanted to see him one last time.  She took me to another room and he was just laying there so still and so quiet.  Right then and there I had to leave my baby at the hospital and I had to go home with nothing.  No mother should have to do that.  Saying goodbye was so hard.  I wanted Asher so bad.

Today we had a family picnic for Asher and it was nice to be with family.  Olivia caught her first fish and was so happy.  I am sure Asher was looking down on her just smiling.  I hope my Grandpa Scurto and my sister Stephanie gave Asher the best birthday party ever in heaven.

A Year Ago Today... Part 2

525,600 minutes and 365 days, that is how long it has been since my sweet Asher came into this world so quiet.  It is a day I have been dreading for a long time.  I still don't understand how this could happen to me and my family.  I don't understand why perfect babies have to die.  I am not and probably never will be the same person I woke up as on July 20, 2012.  That day has changed me.  I still don't know if it is for the better or not.

The sadness and grief still consumes most of my days.  I have cried almost everyday for a straight year.  It usually at night when the quiet house gets to me.  It's not supposed to be this quiet.  It is quiet just like the delivery room was that night.  It was 6:57 p.m. that Asher was born.  I didn't get to hear him cry or take his first breath.  That utter horrible silence was preceded by the words that still rock my world.  "This baby is not alive."  Those five words will forever be ingrained into my mind.  They are the words I fear again.

There was no reason for Asher to die.  He was perfect in every way.  I wish I could have heard his first cry and seen his first smile.  Those are all things others may take for granted.  But I guarantee if we are ever blessed with a baby again those will be the things we cherish the most.

In this year I would have given anything to have those sleepless nights.  I would have given anything to change those stinky diapers.  Instead all I got was a body who knew it had had a baby.  I got the milk that I would never be able to feed my baby because he was gone. 

I hope Asher had a good birthday in heaven.  We tired to make it special for him on earth.  We took him balloons and made him cupcakes. Olivia sang to him and we released a balloon to him, which was so sad.  Tomorrow we will get together as a family to remember my sweet baby boy.

 

A Year Ago Today... Part 1

So July 18th is here.  And it was a year ago today that I went to the doctor.  I was finally feeling great.  I laid on that table and heard my baby's heartbeat and it was perfect.  We also scheduled my induction to be the following Tuesday.  I was so excited, I was going to meet my baby boy really soon.  My mom and I went to lunch then and everything was perfect.

Little did I know that that moment in time would be the last time I would hear my sweet Asher's heartbeat.  It would be the last thing I can remember that signified that he was alive.  I would love to say that I remember when I felt him move in the next couple of days, but that is just something that I do not remember.  It breaks my heart that I can't remember that.

I hate that my body failed me.  I hate not knowing if it will fail me again.  Yes I still blame myself even though I know there is nothing I did wrong and there was nothing I could do to save him.  I would do anything to have him here with me.

I should be planning his first birthday party, not crying myself to sleep every night.  I know some people may think things should be better for me since it has almost been a year.  But until you have lost a child and have been through this kind of pain you will never understand my feelings or those of anyone else's.

I have so many feelings and emotions this week it is really hard to write them down.  It hasn't been an easy week so far, and I don't think things will get much better.  I will just be sitting here crying wishing my Asher was here in my arms.

A Lament for My Baby
I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didnt get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
... I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"
~Author Unknown

Seven Days

I have been meaning to write something, but I don't know what to write I guess.  I have so many emotions, but don't know how to put them to words.  I can't believe that in seven days Asher would have been one year old.  It is still so hard to think about that day.  I relive it almost everyday.  And it seems like the simplest things make me remember being pregnant with him or make me miss him so much.  When I hear a baby cry it just breaks my heart into a thousand pieces.  Olivia always says to me "Mommy when need another baby to bring home in a basket."  And I just look into her sweet eyes and tell her that Mommy hopes that it will happen soon too.  Everytime I walk into my doctor's office I think about being pregnant with Asher and then going their without him.

It was a year ago today I had a doctor's appointment.  I begged to have the baby that day.  I was miserable and didn't feel good.  I had another UTI and I just wanted not to be pregnant any more.  I was just over 37 weeks.  And of course my doctor said no.  Apparently you can't be induced until 39 weeks by law.  Well I will tell you what, when I am pregnant again there is nothing that he can say to me to make me wait until 39 weeks to have the baby.  I waited with Asher and what did it get me.  NOTHING  It got me a baby I had to plan a funeral for.  And since it is not sure why Asher died I want that baby in my arms as soon as possible.

I just miss him so much.  We have planned to have a family get together on July 21st.  Chris and I decided that we just need to be alone as a family on July 20th.  It won't be an easy day but we will go see him often I bet.  Olivia already told me that she is going to sing him Happy Birthday.  She is such a sweet little girl.  Without her there would have been no way I would have survived this year.  She keeps me going.  She knows when I need a hug or just someone to cuddle with.  If I am crying she will bring me her "Manny" for me to hold.  Olivia and Asher mean everything to me.  I just hope soon that we can bring another baby into our home so Olivia can experience growing up with a sibling, but that is something that Chris nor I never got the chance to experience.  I no longer care that we don't have a big enough house.  Our house is filled with love and we will find a place to put more children when we are blessed with them.

I will try to blog more this week.  It's going to be a tough one but I'm sure we will get through it.

July

Well it's finally here, the month I have been dreading since July 20th 2012.  It's July it's here and I couldn't stop it from coming.  I can't believe it has almost been a year since I gave birth to my sweet Asher James.  I still relive that day everyday.  I remember the beginning of July we were so happy and I was very pregnant and it was very hot.  Olivia and I were enjoying the pool.  I didn't care how big I was I was about to have a son the one thing I so desperately wanted.

This July is very different.  This July is less hot and I have a hole in my heart this summer.  Don't get me wrong Asher is in my heart always, but he is not in my arms, and that is so very very hard.  If I could turn back time and do something, anything different I would in a second.  If you would have asked me after Asher died if I would survive a year I probably wouldn't of told you that I wouldn't survive it.  How could I my baby died!  But it's almost here twenty days away.  I almost survived it.  ALMOST because it isn't here yet.  I am sure that this next twenty days will bring lots and lots of tears.  So if you see me take it easy on me because I am still a grieving mother who misses her baby something terrible.  I love to talk about him, but be prepared for tears.  It warms my heart when people ask how we are doing.  Because your lives might have moved on, but ours hasn't.  At least not for me.  I am still rooted in the day that horrible horrible day when my baby was born into heaven.

In the last year I am amazed by the people.  There are those that I thought would be there for me, those that would ask how I am doing.  But instead I find out that they don't really care.  Sure they asked how I was a week later.  And then there are those surprises that ask me how I am all the time.  They are friends now and they are now my family.  I am greatful for my friends who have been there for me.  I have also made some new friends who have gone though this horrible thing too.  I just hope that some day soon all these people who have been there for me can help celebrate joy with me. 

So as I cry myself to sleep every night this month please just say a little prayer for my family because this will be a tough month for us to get through.  I am going to surround myself with family and hopefully that friends who I haven't scared away to make it though this.  I am going to hug Olivia tighter every night because she is the reason I get up in the morning.  I am going to try and keep her life as normal as possible.

If you every have a friend who has lost a child please please don't be afraid to ask how they are doing, even a year later or long.  Because that is all they want is to know that someone hasn't forgotten the child they lost.  I know your life has moved on but ours hasn't.  We just want to know that people haven't forgotten our pain and our loss.

So for the rest of July Olivia and I will do what we did last July until that sad sad day, you will probably catch us at the pool.

Pennies from Heaven

Every night I talk to my sweet Asher before bed.  I tell him how much I love him and miss him.  And lately I have been asking him for strength to get through the next few weeks which are going to be so hard for us.  I can't believe he would have been eleven months old this past week.  The time has gone too fast and yet it seems like a long time ago that I got to hold him in my arms.  I didn't want to say goodbye to him because I never really got to say hello.  I miss him so so much.  Oh how my life would be different if he were here.  When I talk to him I also always tell him to take care of Olivia and to watch out for her and keep her safe.  And at the very end I always ask him to send me a sign that he is thinking of us and a sign that everything will be ok.  Today we got that sign.

 

To you it may just look like an ordinary penny.  But to our family finding a penny on the ground now means something much more.  A few weeks after Asher's death my mom sent me this poem which now holds so much meaning over our family.  We never look at that penny on the ground the same way.  Today Olivia and I found this penny in the parking lot on the way to swimming lessons.  I believe it was Asher's sign that he is thinking of us and that everything will be alright.  I have to have faith right?  Here is the poem:

"Pennies from Heaven"

I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground.
But it's not just a penny
This little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven
that's what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels tossed them down
Oh, how I loved that story!

He said when an Angel misses you
They toss a penny down,
sometimes just to cheer you up
To make a smile out of your frown.

So don't pass by that penny
When you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven
That an Angel's tossed to you.

Another Day

Well it's another day in my life.  It has been a challenging week for us in the Foley house.  There have been words that have been taken the wrong way and many many tears.  Maybe it was because there has been extra stress on us as we try to buy a different car to replace our broken one.  That means it was many nights that we were not in our normal "routine."  I hate being out of the routine, I like things to go as they are supposed to.  Which is probably also another reason Asher's death has been so hard on me.  It didn't turn out as planned.  We had planned to bring a baby home, we had planned to have one girl and one boy, the "perfect" family.  But things didn't go as planned.

Instead of bringing home my baby boy I had to leave the hospital with nothing but an empty car seat and a diaper bag that was packed but that the contents would never be used.  It sucked to put it mildly.  Instead of bringing my baby home I had to plan a funeral a couple of days after he was born.  Instead of bringing my baby home I had to have a funeral for him.  I still go visit him almost everyday, I don't know if that is good for me or not.  I can go see him without crying now though.

I still cry everyday.  There is something that usually sets me off.  The pregnant lady who comes into the bank that is due soon, the babies I see on Facebook, the catalog I get in the mail that tells me it is time to start planning that first birthday party.  Those are the things that make me sad.  I try to focus on Olivia, but she also makes me sad.  She is learning new stuff everyday and I think realize I will never see Asher learn those same things.  She is almost potty trained and I am longing to change a babys diaper.  I want to be rocking that baby and feeding him/her a bottle.  I hope I get that chance very soon again.  I will know in a couple of weeks if it is my time.

I have tried to not be too stressed out this time, but the stress always seems to find me.  I know I am depressed and I have anxiety and I maybe even have PTSD I don't know.  I know I probably need to get help, but I don't know how to ask and I don't know where to turn.  I am trying to deal with it on my own.  I have been talking to a friend a lot this week and he has given lots of great advice.  He told me that God has already forgiven me for all my past mistakes and that God doesn't think it's my fault for what happened to Asher.  So it is time I try and forgive myself.  I am trying I really am, but it's hard.  Asher was in my body when he died so that makes me feel responsible.  I am trying to live life as Asher would want me to.  I know he would want me to be happy again.  And maybe I will be happy again, I don't know.  But right now I am not.  I guess it is ok to not be ok.

Memorial Day

Memorial day wasn't an easy one for me.  We went to put flowers on Asher's grave on Saturday.  I was over come with emotion when I seen how many people put flowers on his grave.  It was amazing to see how many people love him so much and who love our family so much.  I mean I go see him everyday, but it was special to see how decorated it was.  We went to a family party on Sunday and it was hard.  It is always so hard for me to put on the happy face and act like everything is ok when I'm dying inside.  No one really gets it.  It is exhausting to put up that face.  And don't tell me God will provide what we need.  Maybe he will but he took my child from me.  All I want is to be pregnant and to focus on growing a healthy baby that I can bring home this time.  It's not easy believe me.  And I hate talking about making plans for things in the future.

Talk about a future vacation brings anxiety to me.  I hope that by that time I will have a newborn in my arms.  I don't want to make a commitment or get my hopes up.  I don't want to go far from home.  I want to be close to Asher.  I know I carry him every where in my heart, but for some reason I feel physically close to him at the cemetery and at my house.  I still hate leaving the house.  I would rather just stay home with Olivia.  It is so hard for me to see pregnant people or babies.  I try to avoid those situations.

Today we are taking Olivia's 3 year pictures and some family pictures.  I would rather not do the family pictures, but I know it will be important to Olivia some day.  It is just hard to do when Asher is supposed to be in those pictures too.  We are going to incorporate some pictures of him in the family pictures, so I hope they turn out good.  I just don't want anyone to forget him. I know I never will, but he is part of my family and he always will be.  There is a huge hole in my heart, and I don't know if it will ever be filled again.  Like I have said many times before a part of me died when I found out Asher died.  I will never be the same person and if you don't like the new person I have become then so be it.  I can't help it.  Nothing has the same meaning it once did and it probably won't.  Some problems just don't see worth worrying about any more.  So until you know and feel my pain please don't judge me.  I am doing the best I can.

Mother's Day

Well today was not an easy day for me.  It was Mother's Day and I am the mother of an angel.  I miss my Asher so much.  I went to see him at the cemetery and I like to think that he was looking down on me today.  I pray for all the mother's who have suffered this great loss.  It seems like more and more people are having babies or are pregnant again.  I just want a chance again.  I need that baby in my arms.  Only a couple people told me happy mother's day.  Not even my husband did, and I guess that upset me.  Maybe he didn't want to make me sad, but I already was so it ddin't matter.

I was lucky enough to have a great distraction today so I could forget about Mother's day.  We celebrated Olivia's 3rd birthday.  I can't believe she will be three tomorrow.  It seems like just yesterday I was in the hospital having her.  I wasn in labor for almost 24 hours before she arrived and she was perfect.  My little bundle of joy.  She made me smile today and I guess that was what I needed.  It makes me so sad to look at her grow up so fast.  I know I should focus on her, but in the back of my mind I always think about how Asher will never celebrate any birthdays here on earth.  And how by the time we have another child if we are blessed with one that Olivia will almost be another year older.  I didn't want my children spaced so far apart.  But I guess you get what you get.  I wish Asher were here every second of the day.  I am praying for acceptance and for the chance to be pregnant again and to bring another baby home.

I was induced with Olivia and she was a stubborn one and would never hold still for the heart monitor.  We waited and waited all day for her to come.  She was finally born at 3:15 a.m. on May 13, 2010.  We like to tease her about how she got her name.  Chris and I hadn't decided on a name yet and she was born and the doctors were cleaning her up and Chris left to go tell everyone she was here.  He came back into the room and I said so what should we name her and he was like oh I already told everyone her name was Olivia Ann.  But it suits her well.  She is my pride and joy and the only reason I get out of bed everyday.  As her mother I hope she never has to go through this kind of heartache and pain in her lifetime.  I hope she enjoyed her birthday.  She had a great party and she received a lot of things for her doll Sophie.  She got a stroller, car seat, diaper bag, high chair, and clothes for her doll.  While sitting rocking her tonight after we got home she looked at me and said, "Ma Ma I sure got alot of things for Sophie today."  And I said yes you did Olivia.  And she said, "I sure feel like a mommy now."  She is a wonderful mommy to Sophie and I know she will be a wonderful mother somday because she has so much compasion and is wise beyond her years.   I love you Olivia Ann Foley.  You are my pride and joy.

Bereaved Mother's Day

I guess today is Bereaved Mother's Day.  It is my first one.  I know I have Olivia and get to celebrate the real day too, but this is the one I get to remember my Asher.  I still cry everyday and think about him all the time.  I just can't get over his death.  I read an article on how we can sometimes dwell on our loss.  I don't care if I am dwelling I love my son and I will never get over it.  I don't want to get over it.  I loved him so much and I ddin't even get the chance to know him.  I wish the pain wasn't so great, but I don't know how to make it better.  Everyday I am reminded about my loss.  Whether it is the baby I see at work or the pregnant person at the store.  It is always a slap in the face and no way to get rid of it. 

I want to be pregnant so bad.  And as Chris pointed out, it won't be Asher and it won't be a baby forever.  And I know that I wanted to scream at him.  But at least it would be something in my arms that still ache.  It would be that little cry and something to take care ot.  I want to be pregnant so I have a reason to take care of my body because right now I really don't care.  I want to be pregnant so I have something else to think about.  Right now my mind is consumed with losing Asher.  I relive that day over and over and over.  I just need something else to focus on.  Every month when I get my period again it is like he dies all over again.  I hate my body and don't know if I will ever like it again.

I am trying to learn to live with things as they are, but it is so hard.  I prepared nine months for Asher and it all seems like it was for nothing.  I am trying to focus my days on preparing for Olivia's third birthday party.  That is hard for me too though.  Asher was supposed to be here.  Olivia was supposed to have a brother here are earth, but she doesn't.  And if I don't get pregnant soon she is going to be four before the next one is ever born.  I didn't want my kids spaced that far apart.  That wasn't part of my life plan.  But I guess God had others plans for me.  And I don't like them.

I still find it hard to pray to him since he doesn't seem to answer them anyway.  I do thank him for what I have.  I figured he already knows what I want anyway.

We put our house up for sale again and I hope it sells soon.  There are too many bad memories in this house.  I need a fresh start.  We all need a fresh start.

Please God answer my praryers!

Alone

I haven't written in awhile, I guess I am not sure what to write.  I still am not doing very well.  Night time is still a struggle for me.  But it seems like the littlest thing can set me off and I will be crying.  I still cry all the time and lately I have been feeling so alone.  I guess it is because not many people ask to see how we are doing any more.  I mean I am sure people care, it is just that they moved on with their lives and I guess I haven't.  How can I?  I mean I lost my precious baby.  I just want to scream that numerous times a day.  I hope that those who are truely my friends will stick by me through all this.  I know I have not been a good friend, but I am doing the best I can.  Most of the time I am in a dark place and I am just trying to get through the day.  Being depressed and grieving is extremely exhausting.  I try to be happy for Olivia, but it is super hard sometimes.  I am finding myself getting frustrated with her again super easy.  I just don't know what to do.  We are trying so hard to have another baby, but it seems like my body isn't cooperating.  I will probably end up calling the doctor again to see what the next step is.  I am sure he is tired of hearing from me, but until I get a baby in my arms I am going to be calling.

Living without Asher is so hard.  I still try to visit him almost everyday.  And since it is coming up on Memorial Day and his one year birthday it will be so hard for me to cope.  I really wanted a baby in my arms by the time Asher turned one.  But I guess that was not in the plans for me.  People ask how I am doing, and I say ok when really I am dying inside.  I want to tell them how I really am, but I'm sure they don't want to hear it.  I feel like people look at me and think there is that lady who lost her baby.  And when I think that it makes me feel like it was my fault.  Sometimes I still feel like it was, but I know there was nothing I could have done, because if there was Asher would be here.  I miss him so much.  He has a part of my heart with him in heaven because it is gone now.

I am tired of daily life, it is so pointless most of the time.  I get up and go for Olivia she is all I have.  I know I need to stay here for her even when I don't want to.  I just hope someday she gets to experience having the sibling to grow up with that I never had.  She is going to be three in a couple weeks and it makes me upset because she is supposed to have a brother here.  They were supposed to be close in age.  If I ever get pregnant again she is going to be almost four by the time the next baby gets here.

It has been hard for me to pray again lately.  I feel like I am just saying empty words.  I am praying so hard to get pregnant and nothing is happening.  Where are you God and why aren't you listening to me?  I need to have something to hold onto and look forward too.  Something that gets me out of bed in the morning.  I want to be pregnant so I have a reason to take care of myself.  Why can't this happen for me?  I am angry and want to scream at God for many many reasons.  I know he can take it, but at the same time I feel like if I am angry with Him then He is never going to answer my prayers.  It upsets me that all these people are getting pregnant unplanned and I am working my butt off to try and get pregnant and nothing is happening.  I am charting and planning out everything and it is all for nothing.  I am tired of it.  I am trying to relax and be less stressed but it is so hard when the thing you wanted most was taken away from you. 

I just don't know what to do anymore.  Everything is so hard and not getting any easier.  Right now I am not agreeing with the time heals all things.  I think it is a sham.

Someone Is Missing
Someone is missing from our dinner table,
from our bedroom and our home.
Someone is missing from holiday celebrations,
family vacations and everywhere in between.
Someone is missing from our lives,
Our littlest one is gone.
He will not have birthday parties, graduations, or celebrations.
We will miss him throughout eternity
and our family will never be complete.
... Someone is missing, yet we go on.
Our lives are touched by him.
Changed forever by his brief existence.
His memory we keep alive.
He lives only in our hearts and minds,
We were blessed by his short life.
Our love for him forever strong.
Even though...someone will always be...MISSING.
- D. Lutz

Anniversary

Thursday Chris and I will have been married four years.  I don't know if it seems like a long time or not.  I remember a good portion of our wedding day.  It was a good day and I was so happy.  We really don't celebrate much for our anniversary.  I have been pregnant two out of the four years so far.  I really wish I was pregnant again this year, or I wish Asher were here with us.

Sometimes I wonder if Chris would have known what was going to happen in our life together if he would have still choosen to marry me.  I mean when we got married who would of thought that a few years down the road we would have to bury a son we never got to meet.  We have talked about this and he says he still would have married me.  But it is hard for me to think that through.  I mean sometimes I feel I have caused him all this pain and grief.  I know it isn't my fault Asher died, but he was in my body. 

Asher death has definely brought us closer together.  If we didn't have Olivia though I don't know where we would be.  We are still despertaly trying to get pregnant again.  Maybe it will happen on our anniversary.  I just hope next year when it comes time to celebrate our five year that we can do it with a baby in our arms once again.

I haven't been easy to live with since Asher died.  The littlest things can bring me to tears.  I get frustrated and angry pretty easy.  I try to keep it in check, but sometimes it just needs to come out.  I try to be a good wife and mother.  I just hope I am enough for them.  I know someday this cloud of saddness and despair will lift a little bit and I'm not sure who I will be once it does, but I know that I will always try to be the best wife and mother that I can be.  I know that is what Asher would want me to do.

Memories

Yesterday I sat and read an article in People Magazine about the families who lost there children in the Newtown school shooting and it really brought a wave of grieving back to me.  I know what these familes are going through.  They miss their children terribly.  They feel like life can't possibly go on.  That is how I feel everyday too.  There is a difference between those who have lost children a few years down the road and to what I am experiencing though.  I am not saying one is easier than the other because I am sure it is not.  It is just different.  Just like everyone grieves different and feels different.

These people have memories to look back on.  They have good memories of first smiles, first days of school, and all that in between.  I don't have many memories of Asher, and that ones that I do are not good.  I try and not think about them, but it is impossible.

My memories are of hearing his heartbeat for the last time.  Watching the nurse try to find his heartbeat while I was in labor.  The memory of the doctor telling me this baby is not alive.  The memory of going through labor never to hear my baby cry when he came out.  The memory of leaving him at the hospital and going home without him.  The physical ache in my arms that was supposed to be holding that sweet baby.  The milk that came in and there was no baby for me to feed.  The memory of his funeral and all the crying people who were here for us that day.  The memory of him lying in his casket to be put into the ground.  Those are my memories and nothing will ever change them.

I hope someday that I can hold a healthy live baby in my arms again and maybe some of those memories won't be so pronounced in my mind.  But I think about them every day and there is no escaping them.

I just prary soon my heart won't feel like it is in a million pieces.

Spring TIme

Well the weather is getting warmer and than means another season change which is really hard for me.  I have a love/hate relationship with the warmer weather.  I'm glad winter is gone, but with the warmer weather it means that summer is coming way too fast.  And with summer comes the month of July.  I don't want it to be a year since I lost Asher.  It just breaks my heart to think about that day.  I think about it everyday though.  I can't escape it.  I just wish there was something I could have known or done different.  I am trying to except things but it's so hard.  It seems like more and more people are announcing their pregnancies.  And that makes things extremely difficult for me.  I want to be the person who is pregnant too.

Even though I am scared to be pregnant again I know it is a risk I have to take if I want another baby in my arms.  I wanted to have another baby by the time Asher would have been one, then I miscarried.  Then I wanted to have a baby before my 30th birthday, and that chance came and went.  Now I just want to have a baby before the end of the year, and this is the last month that could possibly happen.  So here's to hoping it will.  My doctor put me on some fertility medication, so I hope that helps. 

Easter was hard, but I survived it.  Olivia had fun hunting and re-hunting Easter eggs.  We went to church which is still super hard for me.  I still haven't made it through a service without breaking into tears.  It is also hard for me to walk down that center aisle.  That may seem silly but I had to walk down that center aisle with a full church at Asher's funeral.  We went to visit Asher on Easter.  Olivia likes to go see him.  I still go almost everyday to see him.  I miss him so much. 

Sometimes it seems like the little things that are the hardest for me.  I used to love going clothes shopping for Olivia, but now it is hard for me.  I just look at all the cute clothes Asher is supposed to be wearing now.  I just want my baby back.  I hope soon I will get what I hope and dream for, and that is to be pregnant with another baby really soon.  Chris and I have talked that we don't have a set limit on how many kids we are going to have any more.  We just want more.  We don't care how big our house is we just want more kids in our lives.  And I know Olivia wants that too.  Every night she says her prayers and tells God to take good care of Asher and to please bless us with another baby soon.  God listens to children first, so I hope Olivia gets her prayers answered too.

Courage

I wish I had the courage to ask for help without feeling weak.

I wish I had the courage to ask someone to come sit and just cry with me.

I wish I had the courage to speak my mind and tell what I really feel, without the worry of being judged.

I wish someone could take my pain away.

I wish I knew what God's Plan was.

I wish I knew everything would be alright.

I wish I knew I wasn't going to lose another baby.

I wish I had a baby in my arms right now.

I wish I knew when I would get pregnant again and that things would work out this time.

I wish Asher were here.

I wish I knew why me and not them.

Instead I just lay on my bed and cry alone.

God's Plan

I am trying to find words to type today.  I just watched a sweet video of memories of a sweet child who was also taken from her family too soon.  She passed away one year ago today and her family is in my thoughts and prayers today.  I don't know how they survived a year I really don't.  I am close to staring that year down.  But I don't want it to be a year.  I just want my baby back.  I don't want to have to think that it has been 365 days since I held him.  I don't want to think about if I want to see him I go visit his grave.  I think about him so much.  And the pain is still so great.  I read about people who are counting down to baby on Facebook and I just think that how much can change in those short days.  I was four days away from going to the hospital to be induced.  FOUR days was all it took to having so much more happiness.  Instead I got two days and a whole bunch of heartache.  I know others have pains and heartache, but most times it feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one else "gets" it.  I do my best and that is all I can give right now.  They say time heals but I think time is the enemy.

Chris and I have been talking a lot lately about God's Plan for us.  We have no clue what it is.  I just wish for a glimpse of what he is thinking about.  Will I have another baby maybe more?  Tell me when that will happen God because right now I just have so much pain.  I just want to know everything is going to be alright.  I am sure if Asher were here, there would be other things that are troubling me, but nothing really matters any more.  I don't care if my house isn't clean or what people think of me.  I just want to be holding a baby in my arms.  This has changed me greatly.  And if that has changed your opinion of me then fine.  I am thankful for those who ask me how I am doing.  It always makes me cry when I think about those who ask.  I wouldn't say they are the ones who I would least expect it from, but it is always a surprise.  It may make me cry but I really do appreciate those who care.  I am thankful for all the prayers.

We are staring another holiday in the face.  Easter won't be easy.  I still have trouble going to church so I am sure Easter church will be no different.  I try to put on a happy face for Olivia.  I want her to have the best Easter she can possibly have.  I will go to the family thing, but it's really hard for me to talk to people and pretend like I am enjoying myself when I'm hurting so much inside.  This was supposed to be Asher's first Easter and he would probably be crawling to find those eggs.  I am sure Olivia would be helping him find them.  Instead I had to give him Easter eggs at his grave.