Still birth is finding out you are pregnant with your second child, and being super excited that Olivia would soon have a sibling.
Still birth is all the doctor's appointments that go so well and having everything look great
Still birth is finding out your are having the baby boy you so badly wanted, a girl and now a boy
Still birth is sharing the great news with all your family and starting to buy all that baby boy stuff
Still birth is having your husband super excited to be able to buy cars and trucks for them
Still birth is picking out the crib and dressers but not setting them up because you know the baby will be sleeping in the bassinet in your room for while
Still birth is going to that last appointment on a Wednesday and hearing your baby's heart beating so strong and setting the date to Monday when I would be induced
Still birth is going to work on Friday and having back pain and some bleeding and calling the doctor and him telling me to go home and rest
Still birth is calling Chris at work to tell him I was in labor
Still birth is taking a shower to get ready to go to the hospital
Still birth is the long car ride to Lincoln while in labor to meet your son
Still birth is it taking forever to get checked into the hospital and being in pain and bleeding more
Still birth is having the nurse come into your room too hook you up to the monitors
Still birth is having the nurse have trouble finding the heartbeat on the monitor
Still birth is having your doctor show up with an ultrasound machine to find out where the baby is
Still birth is hearing those life changing, earth shattering words "I'm sorry there is no heart beat, this baby is not alive."
Still birth is hearing a scream of such pain and then realizing it is your own
Still birth is having your husband get so upset with the doctor because we wanted the baby to be born sooner when I was in pain
Still birth is having the doctor get mad at the nurse because she doesn't know how far along I'm dilated
Still birth is having your family show up for the birth only to find out that the baby is gone
Still birth is getting ready for an epidural that hurts like hell and going through labor when you know it will all be for nothing
Still birth is being surrounded by family and seeing everyone in such great pain
Still birth is giving birth to a perfect baby boy into a room of complete silence
Still birth is having the only cries you hear come from you and the ones you love
Still birth is that white dove they post outside your room to let everyone know that things are not happy in there
Still birth is having to explain to your two year old that there will be no baby coming home with you
Still birth is giving that two year old the doll you bought them so they would have a baby to take care of too
Still birth is crying with the wonderful nurse who has some how been sent to you from God to make things some what better
Still birth is that kind loving nurse who came into work that day not knowing the sadness she would have to work with
Still birth is having your aunt take pictures of that sweet baby because that is all you will have some day
Still birth is watching your family hold your sweet baby boy for the first and last time
Still birth is letting the nurse give him a bath and dress him because you can't find the strength to do it yourself
Still birth is trying to look at his toes and nose and hands and face for hours because you want to remember everything about him but breaking down and not being able to do it
Still birth is packing up to leave the hospital without your baby
Still birth is the nurse taking me to see him one last time laying so still and so sweet
Still birth is the long, silent card ride home that was supposed to be joyous
Still birth is coming home to a quiet empty house that is now filled with such sadness
Still birth is having to take care of a two year old when you don't even want to get out of bed in the morning
Still birth is having to go to the funeral home to plan a funeral you never thought you would have to plan
Still birth is getting asked questions about caskets and flowers that you have no clue how to answer because you are still in such shock
Still birth is sitting on the floor of your house to frantically finish knitting the baby blanket for the baby you named Asher James so he could be buried with it
Still birth is going to the family visitation a few days later and falling to the floor in grief when you see your baby for the first time since you left the hospital
Still birth is having to sit through a funeral where everyone looks so sad but at the same time don't know how you feel
Still birth is knowing your baby is now buried in the ground forever
Still birth is the deepest depression anyone can know
Still birth is secretly wishing someone can feel the same pain you are feeling, but at the same time feeling guilty that you feel like this
Still birth is wishing someone would just "get it"
Still birth is all the family that was around you now leaving you all alone with your new normal
Still birth is going through the dresser and finding all Asher's clothes and just sitting on the floor crying and crying
Still birth is crying yourself to sleep every night
Still birth is not wanting to go on with your own life because Asher is no longer here, but knowing you have to
Still birth is feeling like Asher's death is all your fault and feeling that tremendous guilt
Still birth is being angry and hating God because how could he possibly do this to your family
Still birth is wondering how you can possible go on from here
Still birth is the seasons changing and thinking about how Asher is so cold in the ground
Still birth is all the firsts you have to go through, 1st Christmas 1st Birthday
Still birth is those little reminders that pop up that take you back to that very day
Still birth is being jealous of all the happy pregnant people
Still birth is still to this day being jealous of those who have a healthy baby boy
Still birth is finding out you are pregnant with your rainbow baby only to have a miscarriage a few weeks later
Still birth is trying so hard to get pregnant again that it feels like a chore
Still birth is finally finding out you are pregnant again and have to go 9 months wondering if you will have to go through all that pain again
Still birth is being afraid every minute the baby doesn't move that something is wrong
Still birth is holding your breath in the delivery room waiting for your rainbow baby to cry
Still birth is the friends you have lost because they don't know what to do or say to you any more
Still birth is the friends that are new or the ones who have stuck by you no matter how angry, anti-social, or distant you were or will be
Still birth is not something I ever thought in a million years I would have to deal with but did
Still birth is still crying from time to time even thought it has been 3 years
Still birth is something I will never get over and shouldn't have to so don't make me, Asher James will always be a big part of who I am
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Expected or Not
As you all know the change of season is a very hard time for me. I still haven't put my finger on why though. Is it because it will soon be darker earlier, the colder weather? We all know when it's dark our minds wonder, or at least mine does. I started a new job at a hospital and like it or not we talk about death sometimes, not because it happens, but because everyone has a story of some sort. They know my story. I know I wear Asher on my sleeve he is just as important to me as Saige and Olivia so I talk about him all the time too. Now sometimes I can talk about him and be fine and others the water works will fall. But the other day I brought up how I sometimes think about what is harder expected death or unexpected.
Expected death you can kind of plan for like it or not. You know it's going to happen, you are just not sure when. I remember when my grandpa was on hospice and really sick the anticipation of him dying was so hard. It was almost harder than when he actually did pass away. I know once he was gone he was in God's hands and he was not sick and in pain anymore. But those days and weeks leading up to that "relief" was hard. In the back of my mind I was always thinking is today the day I will get the call that he is gone. Will I get time to say goodbye. How am I going to tell Olivia. Sure once he was gone it was also super hard but we knew he was in a better place.
Unexpected death is very different. Like in the case with Asher. I had no clue. I was not prepared to hear those words, "This baby is not alive." It like your body and mind goes into shock. How do you deal, how do you possibly prepare after the most horrific thing that can possibly happen to a mother does. I remember planning his funeral, which by the way no parent should have to do especially one who wasn't even 30 yet. I had no idea how to plan a funeral. I remember them asking me questions and I would just look to my mom and dad because I didn't know. I was so young, sure I had experience death before but nothing like this. Nothing prepares you for this. It doesn't even really sink in that it has happened for a least a week. I remember my arms literally aching for something to hold onto. It's after everyone goes home and their lives go back to normal that it really hits home. You are left with a new normal like it or not and it's not fair.
I still get jealous of women who have baby boys. I still feel like mine was stolen from me, that I was robbed of the chance to raise a baby boy. Olivia asked me the other day why God stole my baby, and I had no answer. I will never know. I can't help how I feel it just happens sometimes. I don't know what God has in store for me, I don't know if I will get the chance to raise a baby boy. I hope so.
We wake up every day trying to solve the whys in life and for some of us we will never have an answer.
Expected death you can kind of plan for like it or not. You know it's going to happen, you are just not sure when. I remember when my grandpa was on hospice and really sick the anticipation of him dying was so hard. It was almost harder than when he actually did pass away. I know once he was gone he was in God's hands and he was not sick and in pain anymore. But those days and weeks leading up to that "relief" was hard. In the back of my mind I was always thinking is today the day I will get the call that he is gone. Will I get time to say goodbye. How am I going to tell Olivia. Sure once he was gone it was also super hard but we knew he was in a better place.
Unexpected death is very different. Like in the case with Asher. I had no clue. I was not prepared to hear those words, "This baby is not alive." It like your body and mind goes into shock. How do you deal, how do you possibly prepare after the most horrific thing that can possibly happen to a mother does. I remember planning his funeral, which by the way no parent should have to do especially one who wasn't even 30 yet. I had no idea how to plan a funeral. I remember them asking me questions and I would just look to my mom and dad because I didn't know. I was so young, sure I had experience death before but nothing like this. Nothing prepares you for this. It doesn't even really sink in that it has happened for a least a week. I remember my arms literally aching for something to hold onto. It's after everyone goes home and their lives go back to normal that it really hits home. You are left with a new normal like it or not and it's not fair.
I still get jealous of women who have baby boys. I still feel like mine was stolen from me, that I was robbed of the chance to raise a baby boy. Olivia asked me the other day why God stole my baby, and I had no answer. I will never know. I can't help how I feel it just happens sometimes. I don't know what God has in store for me, I don't know if I will get the chance to raise a baby boy. I hope so.
We wake up every day trying to solve the whys in life and for some of us we will never have an answer.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
A Different Kind of Grief
Well there has been so much going on the last few months. It seems like since February it has been one thing after another. Chris's grandpa died in February and we traveled to Iowa for the funeral. After we got back Olivia got sick and ended up in the hospital for dehydration. She wouldn't eat or drink for days and if she did she couldn't keep it down. It was so scary to see my little girl so sick and in the hospital. I hated to see her cry when they had to take blood and put in an IV. I know how much it hurts. Then the day Olivia got out of the hospital Saige was taken to the doctor and she had the chicken pox. Then the following Monday Saige was still really sick so I took her back to the doctor and she tested positive for Influenza. It was a crazy February and we were very happy when it was over.
The car trouble started sometime in there and I don't remember how it all went, but we ended up getting a different car and have had trouble with it too.
April came and we seen my grandpa getting sicker and sicker with cancer. It broke my heart to see him so sick. I knew it was going to be so hard on Olivia when the time came for him to go to Heaven. She loved him so much and they were best buds. My grandpa loved Olivia and Saige so much. One of the last things I remember was Saige giving him a ride in his life chair and he was barely awake and I told her to stop and he woke up and said let her play. We were with him for his final hours and we had just left when he went peacefully in his sleep. I was glad he did not have to suffer any more.
Olivia took it hard and I don't think Saige really knew what was going on. We had a lot of family time and we are spending as much time as possible with my grandma like we always have. It has been a different grief process for me. With Asher it was so sudden and I was in such shock and I was hurting so bad. This time we knew it was coming and it was so hard waiting for the time to come. I just can't imagine what my grandma is going through. To wake up with the same person for all those years to all of a sudden to have them gone. I felt myself not only grieving for myself but also for my grandma and for Olivia. She knew what was going on. I love how she will bring up Papa, Asher, and my sister Stephanie on a daily basis. We talk about what they are going up there in Heaven. When it rains she always they are jumping in puddles. Olivia also decided the first thing Papa and Asher did was go fishing. Olivia has had some tough questions because we have talked about how Papa is no longer sick up in Heaven, which prompted her to ask if Asher and Stephanie are still babies in Heaven or if they grow up. I told her I do not know the answer to that and that she needs to ask our pastor. We will see what she says.
I loved hearing all the stories about my grandpa, some of the things I didn't even know he did. It was a time to see family that I haven't seen in awhile. But now life is getting back to normal and it is hard because I remember how everyone went home and life went on after Asher died, but my life had changed forever and it is the same for my grandma. It reminds me of this article and the title was I went to a funeral and then I went home..., but for someone when they went home it was different.
It is now May and it has been three weeks since my grandpa has passed and a lot has happened. And I know he is looking down on us smiling. He watched Olivia turn 5 years old and have her Frozen birthday party (thank you for not letting it rain on her party), he has watched her go to her last day of pre-kindergarten and he will be there when she starts kindergarten in August.
Life changes, but we just need to remember that they are always there.
The car trouble started sometime in there and I don't remember how it all went, but we ended up getting a different car and have had trouble with it too.
April came and we seen my grandpa getting sicker and sicker with cancer. It broke my heart to see him so sick. I knew it was going to be so hard on Olivia when the time came for him to go to Heaven. She loved him so much and they were best buds. My grandpa loved Olivia and Saige so much. One of the last things I remember was Saige giving him a ride in his life chair and he was barely awake and I told her to stop and he woke up and said let her play. We were with him for his final hours and we had just left when he went peacefully in his sleep. I was glad he did not have to suffer any more.
Olivia took it hard and I don't think Saige really knew what was going on. We had a lot of family time and we are spending as much time as possible with my grandma like we always have. It has been a different grief process for me. With Asher it was so sudden and I was in such shock and I was hurting so bad. This time we knew it was coming and it was so hard waiting for the time to come. I just can't imagine what my grandma is going through. To wake up with the same person for all those years to all of a sudden to have them gone. I felt myself not only grieving for myself but also for my grandma and for Olivia. She knew what was going on. I love how she will bring up Papa, Asher, and my sister Stephanie on a daily basis. We talk about what they are going up there in Heaven. When it rains she always they are jumping in puddles. Olivia also decided the first thing Papa and Asher did was go fishing. Olivia has had some tough questions because we have talked about how Papa is no longer sick up in Heaven, which prompted her to ask if Asher and Stephanie are still babies in Heaven or if they grow up. I told her I do not know the answer to that and that she needs to ask our pastor. We will see what she says.
I loved hearing all the stories about my grandpa, some of the things I didn't even know he did. It was a time to see family that I haven't seen in awhile. But now life is getting back to normal and it is hard because I remember how everyone went home and life went on after Asher died, but my life had changed forever and it is the same for my grandma. It reminds me of this article and the title was I went to a funeral and then I went home..., but for someone when they went home it was different.
It is now May and it has been three weeks since my grandpa has passed and a lot has happened. And I know he is looking down on us smiling. He watched Olivia turn 5 years old and have her Frozen birthday party (thank you for not letting it rain on her party), he has watched her go to her last day of pre-kindergarten and he will be there when she starts kindergarten in August.
Life changes, but we just need to remember that they are always there.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
What a Week
What a week it has been. We started out our long extended week last Friday when we had to take a trip to Iowa for Chris's grandpa's funeral. The funeral was on Saturday. It was a hard time for all. It was the first funeral that I have been to since Asher died. At times I felt like I wasn't sad enough. I mean I was sad but I know that Chris's grandpa lived a long and amazing life. I also know that losing Asher was the most painful thing I have had to go through so far in life. And it could very well be the most painful. He didn't get a chance to live. I didn't get a chance to make any memories with Asher, which is hard for me to deal with sometimes. I think Olivia did ok with the funeral. I found her at one point just looking at her great grandpa in his casket. I was going to ask her what she was thinking but then she was off and running with the kids again.
We got back Saturday night from Iowa and we started off Sunday morning with Olivia throwing up. She was sick all day long. I am not even sure she ate or drank anything that day. Monday she was still feeling yucky so I kept her home. Monday night she was acting better and playing with Saige as opposed to laying in bed which she did all day Sunday and part of Monday. Tuesday morning we were all geared up to send her back to school. She even made herself breakfast. Ten minutes after eating she was throwing up again. I knew it was time to take her to the doctor. Before leaving for the doctor I was changing Saige and noticed she had what I thought was a pimple on her stomach. I didn't think anything of it and I took her to my grandma's while I took Olivia to the doctor.
The doctor said Olivia looked awful. She was very dehydrated. They wanted to give her IV fluids at the office but they were not going to try to find a vein in her. So off to the hospital we went. We were admitted to Bryan hospital. Olivia's blood sugar was 50 so they gave her a lollipop to eat on the way. I told Olivia what was going to happen at the hospital because I didn't want her to have any surprises. It is so horrible watching your child have to get their blood drawn and an IV in. Olivia screamed and I cried right along with her. I have never heard her scream like she did when they put the IV in. Once all the was done they left her alone. She looked so tiny and frail in that big hospital bed. She wouldn't eat or drink anything Tuesday night at the hospital. She ended up getting four bags of fluid and one of potassium and sugar to get her to perk up. She finally started eating and drinking on Wednesday. I was worried she would have to stay another night, but she finally was able to keep food down.
While in the hospital with Olivia, my mom and Chris were taking care of Saige. My mom asked me if Saige had spots the last time I seen her. I said I seen one. Saige got more and more spots and a fever. Chris took Saige to the doctor on Wednesday she had the chicken pox. I guess chicken pox are very rare these days. So I got Olivia home from the hospital and then we were also taking care of Saige with the chicken pox. She seems to be doing ok with it. She isn't itching but she gets fevers at least once a day. She just seems miserable. She doesn't sleep very well and she has a sore throat.
Olivia is acting like herself again and she will return to school next week. She still wants to be a doctor even after her stay in the hospital. I just want my girls to be feeling better. I hope this is the end of the sickies for awhile.
We got back Saturday night from Iowa and we started off Sunday morning with Olivia throwing up. She was sick all day long. I am not even sure she ate or drank anything that day. Monday she was still feeling yucky so I kept her home. Monday night she was acting better and playing with Saige as opposed to laying in bed which she did all day Sunday and part of Monday. Tuesday morning we were all geared up to send her back to school. She even made herself breakfast. Ten minutes after eating she was throwing up again. I knew it was time to take her to the doctor. Before leaving for the doctor I was changing Saige and noticed she had what I thought was a pimple on her stomach. I didn't think anything of it and I took her to my grandma's while I took Olivia to the doctor.
The doctor said Olivia looked awful. She was very dehydrated. They wanted to give her IV fluids at the office but they were not going to try to find a vein in her. So off to the hospital we went. We were admitted to Bryan hospital. Olivia's blood sugar was 50 so they gave her a lollipop to eat on the way. I told Olivia what was going to happen at the hospital because I didn't want her to have any surprises. It is so horrible watching your child have to get their blood drawn and an IV in. Olivia screamed and I cried right along with her. I have never heard her scream like she did when they put the IV in. Once all the was done they left her alone. She looked so tiny and frail in that big hospital bed. She wouldn't eat or drink anything Tuesday night at the hospital. She ended up getting four bags of fluid and one of potassium and sugar to get her to perk up. She finally started eating and drinking on Wednesday. I was worried she would have to stay another night, but she finally was able to keep food down.
While in the hospital with Olivia, my mom and Chris were taking care of Saige. My mom asked me if Saige had spots the last time I seen her. I said I seen one. Saige got more and more spots and a fever. Chris took Saige to the doctor on Wednesday she had the chicken pox. I guess chicken pox are very rare these days. So I got Olivia home from the hospital and then we were also taking care of Saige with the chicken pox. She seems to be doing ok with it. She isn't itching but she gets fevers at least once a day. She just seems miserable. She doesn't sleep very well and she has a sore throat.
Olivia is acting like herself again and she will return to school next week. She still wants to be a doctor even after her stay in the hospital. I just want my girls to be feeling better. I hope this is the end of the sickies for awhile.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Venting
So this is a complete vent post so if you won't want to hear it, I would stop reading now! I thought I was getting better about reading birth announcements and for the most part, I could read them and move on. But one caught me completely off guard and sent me into an angry pissed off tail spin.
I know it sounds selfish, but the person's announcement of child number three made me super angry. They seem to get pregnant so easy and seem to have life so easy. I want to be that person who can get pregnant easy and then not have to worry about things for nine months. I want my innocence back! I want that feeling of being so happy to be pregnant back. I want Asher to be here and not to have died. I want my baby boy.
In my head I also secretly hope this person doesn't have a boy because I don't have mine. I know it's selfish but I figure I can't control my feelings. I also feel like I need to get it all out because it is not good to keep it bottled up inside.
I am super glad I have friends that will listen to me when I need to be angry and upset. I feel like my feelings are what they are. No one is going through what I am at this particular stage in life so they won't know what is right or wrong. I don't know what is right or wrong on how to feel.
I just take things day by day and try to get through it. I am going to see a new doctor in a few weeks. I am glad I am done with my old doctor and I can move forward. I want another baby really bad, but I know now is not the right time for that. I hope the doctor will tell me I will be able to try for that boy in the future. I just have to know I tried for that boy.
I can't believe that Saige will be one year old in six days. Where did that year go? She grew up so fast and I miss holding that little baby. She is so independent now and doesn't want to cuddle with her mommy much any more.
Just continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I try to work through this angry time in my life. Most days I am doing good but then it seems like you get a kick in the butt and things go spiraling down hill again.
I know it sounds selfish, but the person's announcement of child number three made me super angry. They seem to get pregnant so easy and seem to have life so easy. I want to be that person who can get pregnant easy and then not have to worry about things for nine months. I want my innocence back! I want that feeling of being so happy to be pregnant back. I want Asher to be here and not to have died. I want my baby boy.
In my head I also secretly hope this person doesn't have a boy because I don't have mine. I know it's selfish but I figure I can't control my feelings. I also feel like I need to get it all out because it is not good to keep it bottled up inside.
I am super glad I have friends that will listen to me when I need to be angry and upset. I feel like my feelings are what they are. No one is going through what I am at this particular stage in life so they won't know what is right or wrong. I don't know what is right or wrong on how to feel.
I just take things day by day and try to get through it. I am going to see a new doctor in a few weeks. I am glad I am done with my old doctor and I can move forward. I want another baby really bad, but I know now is not the right time for that. I hope the doctor will tell me I will be able to try for that boy in the future. I just have to know I tried for that boy.
I can't believe that Saige will be one year old in six days. Where did that year go? She grew up so fast and I miss holding that little baby. She is so independent now and doesn't want to cuddle with her mommy much any more.
Just continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I try to work through this angry time in my life. Most days I am doing good but then it seems like you get a kick in the butt and things go spiraling down hill again.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
2015
Well it's another new year. I will say 2014 was a pretty decent year. We welcomed Saige in February which was exciting. My pregnancy with her was very scary to say the least. She is a great baby and I can't believe she is almost a year old. Time goes too fast. She is a completely different baby than Olivia was. Saige gets into trouble, she is into everything and Olivia never did that much. So she keeps me on my toes and very busy. Sometimes I wonder if Asher is helping her get into mischief. She looks so much like him. It always takes my breath away when I am holding her when she is sleeping and I look down and I am holding him all over again. At first it was kind of heartbreaking because I knew I would never hold him again. But now it is kind of comforting because I get to see him through her.
I still feel really guilty that I don't make it to the cemetery to see him much anymore. But I still think about him everyday. He will always be a big part of my life. My emotions can still be a rollercoaster I have good days and bad days. I don't think the pain will every go away it just gets different.
It's the song on the radio that gets to me or looking at a sleeping Saige, who looks so much like Asher that gets to me. This may be morbid to say, but death no longer scares me. I know that when it is my time to go, the first thing that I will see if my baby boy running towards me. I can't wait to hold him again.
2015 will be another year of many changes. I hope we will find the house we can move into. Olivia will be starting kindergarten. And I hope to find a full time job. Also my best friend is getting married and I want to take my Origami Owl business to new heights. We will see how all that goes.
But for now here is the song that reminds me of my struggle with Asher's death and how I have gotten more strong in my faith.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH9kYn4L8TI
I still feel really guilty that I don't make it to the cemetery to see him much anymore. But I still think about him everyday. He will always be a big part of my life. My emotions can still be a rollercoaster I have good days and bad days. I don't think the pain will every go away it just gets different.
It's the song on the radio that gets to me or looking at a sleeping Saige, who looks so much like Asher that gets to me. This may be morbid to say, but death no longer scares me. I know that when it is my time to go, the first thing that I will see if my baby boy running towards me. I can't wait to hold him again.
2015 will be another year of many changes. I hope we will find the house we can move into. Olivia will be starting kindergarten. And I hope to find a full time job. Also my best friend is getting married and I want to take my Origami Owl business to new heights. We will see how all that goes.
But for now here is the song that reminds me of my struggle with Asher's death and how I have gotten more strong in my faith.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH9kYn4L8TI
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