Still Birth Is...

Still birth is finding out you are pregnant with your second child, and being super excited that Olivia would soon have a sibling.
Still birth is all the doctor's appointments that go so well and having everything look great
Still birth is finding out your are having the baby boy you so badly wanted, a girl and now a boy
Still birth is sharing the great news with all your family and starting to buy all that baby boy stuff
Still birth is having your husband super excited to be able to buy cars and trucks for them
Still birth is picking out the crib and dressers but not setting them up because you know the baby will be sleeping in the bassinet in your room for while
Still birth is going to that last appointment on a Wednesday and hearing your baby's heart beating so strong and setting the date to Monday when I would be induced
Still birth is going to work on Friday and having back pain and some bleeding and calling the doctor and him telling me to go home and rest
Still birth is calling Chris at work to tell him I was in labor
Still birth is taking a shower to get ready to go to the hospital
Still birth is the long car ride to Lincoln while in labor to meet your son
Still birth is it taking forever to get checked into the hospital and being in pain and bleeding more
Still birth is having the nurse come into your room too hook you up to the monitors
Still birth is having the nurse have trouble finding the heartbeat on the monitor
Still birth is having your doctor show up with an ultrasound machine to find out where the baby is
Still birth is hearing those life changing, earth shattering words "I'm sorry there is no heart beat, this baby is not alive."
Still birth is hearing a scream of such pain and then realizing it is your own
Still birth is having your husband get so upset with the doctor because we wanted the baby to be born sooner when I was in pain
Still birth is having the doctor get mad at the nurse because she doesn't know how far along I'm dilated
Still birth is having your family show up for the birth only to find out that the baby is gone
Still birth is getting ready for an epidural that hurts like hell and going through labor when you know it will all be for nothing
Still birth is being surrounded by family and seeing everyone in such great pain
Still birth is giving birth to a perfect baby boy into a room of complete silence
Still birth is having the only cries you hear come from you and the ones you love
Still birth is that white dove they post outside your room to let everyone know that things are not happy in there
Still birth is having to explain to your two year old that there will be no baby coming home with you
Still birth is giving that two year old the doll you bought them so they would have a baby to take care of too
Still birth is crying with the wonderful nurse who has some how been sent to you from God to make things some what better
Still birth is that kind loving nurse who came into work that day not knowing the sadness she would have to work with
Still birth is having your aunt take pictures of that sweet baby because that is all you will have some day
Still birth is watching your family hold your sweet baby boy for the first and last time
Still birth is letting the nurse give him a bath and dress him because you can't find the strength to do it yourself
Still birth is trying to look at his toes and nose and hands and face for hours because you want to remember everything about him but breaking down and not being able to do it
Still birth is packing up to leave the hospital without your baby
Still birth is the nurse taking me to see him one last time laying so still and so sweet
Still birth is the long, silent card ride home that was supposed to be joyous
Still birth is coming home to a quiet empty house that is now filled with such sadness
Still birth is having to take care of a two year old when you don't even want to get out of bed in the morning
Still birth is having to go to the funeral home to plan a funeral you never thought you would have to plan
Still birth is getting asked questions about caskets and flowers that you have no clue how to answer because you are still in such shock
Still birth is sitting on the floor of your house to frantically finish knitting the baby blanket for the baby you named Asher James so he could be buried with it
Still birth is going to the family visitation a few days later and falling to the floor in grief when you see your baby for the first time since you left the hospital
Still birth is having to sit through a funeral where everyone looks so sad but at the same time don't know how you feel
Still birth is knowing your baby is now buried in the ground forever
Still birth is the deepest depression anyone can know
Still birth is secretly wishing someone can feel the same pain you are feeling, but at the same time feeling guilty that you feel like this
Still birth is wishing someone would just "get it"
Still birth is all the family that was around you now leaving you all alone with your new normal
Still birth is going through the dresser and finding all Asher's clothes and just sitting on the floor crying and crying
Still birth is crying yourself to sleep every night
Still birth is not wanting to go on with your own life because Asher is no longer here, but knowing you have to
Still birth is feeling like Asher's death is all your fault and feeling that tremendous guilt
Still birth is being angry and hating God because how could he possibly do this to your family
Still birth is wondering how you can possible go on from here
Still birth is the seasons changing and thinking about how Asher is so cold in the ground
Still birth is all the firsts you have to go through, 1st Christmas 1st Birthday
Still birth is those little reminders that pop up that take you back to that very day
Still birth is being jealous of all the happy pregnant people
Still birth is still to this day being jealous of those who have a healthy baby boy
Still birth is finding out you are pregnant with your rainbow baby only to have a miscarriage a few weeks later
Still birth is trying so hard to get pregnant again that it feels like a chore
Still birth is finally finding out you are pregnant again and have to go 9 months wondering if you will have to go through all that pain again
Still birth is being afraid every minute the baby doesn't move that something is wrong
Still birth is holding your breath in the delivery room waiting for your rainbow baby to cry
Still birth is the friends you have lost because they don't know what to do or say to you any more
Still birth is the friends that are new or the ones who have stuck by you no matter how angry, anti-social, or distant you were or will be
Still birth is not something I ever thought in a million years I would have to deal with but did
Still birth is still crying from time to time even thought it has been 3 years
Still birth is something I will never get over and shouldn't have to so don't make me, Asher James will always be a big part of who I am