In a couple of days (October 7th) I will be saying goodbye to my 20s. Some of those years were good and some were not good at all. I know I have grown up a ton and learned more about life and death then I ever thought I would have to learn. I also know I have learned that love can over come even the worst of times. I never know how much love I could have for a little person who grew inside of me for 38 weeks and whom I never got to meet.
I felt Asher move inside me, but I never got to hear him cry or see his first smile. Even though I never got to see or hear those things I love him just as much as I love Olivia. I also love this baby that is growing inside of me now. Next week will mark 20 weeks and I can already feel the baby move. And he/she moves a ton. I had an ultrasound last week and the baby was very stubborn and didn't want their picture taken for measurements. But my high risk doctor said everything looked great. But as I now know all that can change in a second. So he told me if I ever don't feel right or am uncomfortable that I can come in anytime to see my baby. He also said our goal is 35 weeks, if after that the stress is just too much for me then we will have a baby if everything looks good. So I really only have 15 or 16 weeks left to go. Granted they are going to be the longest weeks of my life. We found out the sex of the baby, but we have choose not to tell many people at this time. We might keep it a secret until the baby is born, we are just not sure yet.
I know Chris and I can make it through anything now. We made it through the death of a child. I know we cherish Olivia so much more and we are very aware of this pregnancy. Chris and Olivia love to listen to the baby and it helps me to know that the baby is in there and moving around. Chris made his first purchases for the baby today and they are ever so cute. I hope this time around the baby can wear one of the outfits home. We still need lots of prayers as the weeks to come will be tough on me. My body is hanging in there, but it hasn't been easy with my headaches and such. I also had an allergic reaction to my last progesterone shot. I am hoping that does not happen again because it wasn't a fun time.
In the past I have talked about joining the club that no mother/parent wants to be a part of. The one of those who are grieving the loss of their child. I joined that club in 2012. But I also have to remember that my mom and my dad also had to join that club not just once but twice also. On October 7, 1983 my parents welcomed two baby girls into this world. We were born around 32 weeks or so. We were tiny. Little did they know that on October 8th my sister Stephanie would get sick and gain her angel wings. So as they are happy to help me celebrate my birthday it probably is also a time of great sadness. I have to remember that. And since Asher died I am more aware of my sister. I have always knows she was there but now she is up in heaven raising my baby. My mom also had another loss which I don't know much about. I just hope that down the road Olivia and any of my children to come never has to join this club. I hope that God does not let anyone else in my family gain entry into it. But I also know that is takes very special people to be in this club. For I have learned I am way stronger than I ever thought I could be. But it's still not easy and everyday is a struggle. I will never get over Asher and nothing can make him or the pain of losing him go away.
So when October 7th rolls around someone please have a drink for me, because I will probably need one and since I can't have one myself. So here's to turning 30 and hopefully no more heartache.
