As I sit here to type this I am on day two of one of the worst headaches I have had in a long time. I am not sure what causes them, but I'm guessing stress and hormones. The medicine I was given by my doctor really hasn't helped. But I know they make me sick to my stomach and I feel like someone has taken a baseball bat to my head when I stand and walk. I really hope it goes away soon.
I guess when I thought of what to write I just wanted to say that I am doing the best I can given the circumstances I have been given. Now maybe I'm throwing myself a pity party and I know others who have problems in their lives, but right in the here and now I am focused on three things in my life. One is making sure Olivia knows she is loved and that I want her to experience everything she possibly can. Second is I am focused on my pregnancy and third I am focused on grieving for Asher. Some may think that just because I am pregnant that I have stopped grieving. And that is so far from the truth. I miss Asher with all of my being. Whether it's been a year or five years I am always going to miss him. I will never get over his death.
I am trying to be the best parent I can be to Olivia, but it makes me sad that she has to know so much about life and death at such a young age. She has been talking a lot about Asher lately. She cries and says she misses him. I told her it was ok to miss Asher and still have fun and be happy and that it was also ok to cry. I told her it is ok for her to tell people that she misses Asher. I also wanted her to know that just because there is a baby in my tummy that we would still miss Asher after this baby comes. I hate that I go into her room several times I night to see if she is still breathing. Maybe other parents do that too, but I still have a fear that God is going to take her from me too.
Stress has played a big part of my life the last year and a half. I don't do well with it and I hate that I stress about everything. Most days I don't want to leave the house because I know what stress is out there. I just wish I could work from home and not have to deal with others. All in life I care about now is my family. I want to see Olivia every second of the day. I know stress of work and such is not good on my body or the baby I am carrying. I don't know what to do about it. I can't afford to quit. I just wish people realized how much of a strain it is on me. I am doing the best I can with what I have been given. Not everyone has experience losing two children like I have. Some may not even consider my miscarriage losing a child, but I do. I am blessed to be pregnant again, but I am so terrified I can't enjoy it. Every twinge my body makes freaks me out. I am scared every time I go to the doctor and have an ultrasound that there will be no heartbeat. I pray to God multiple times a day to please let me bring this live healthy baby home with me. Because if something bad happens again I don't know what it will do to me. And I don't know what it will do to my family. I know I can't handle it.
I am almost 17 weeks along and the baby is doing good. It has a strong heartbeat and growing like it should. But when I hear that all I can think of was so was Asher. Asher had the best heartbeat two days before he went to heaven. So until I hear this baby cry I don't think I can feel any joy. I start seeing a high risk doctor on September 30th. He will do an in depth scan to make sure everything looks good with the baby including the umbilical cord and my fluid level. So please pray all of that goes well. When I reach 17 weeks I only have 20 more weeks to go. My doctor said I will deliver at 37 weeks if not before if I have complications. I really just want to live at the hospital so I can be monitored 24/7. I am starting to feel the baby move a little bit and Olivia and Chris love to listen to the baby. My doctor tried to take me down to one shot of progesterone a week but that didn't work so I'm back to two shots a week now. That also causes stress because they are expensive. I'm sure everything will work out in the end but I just have to worry about so much.
Three pregnancies in two years has taken a toll on my body as well. My back is not good. When I had back surgery that doctor said pregnancy will ruin it all over again. But I will suffer if I get to bring this baby home. I am so blessed to even be pregnant for the fourth time. According to my doctor due to my endemetrosis history and surgeries I am super lucky to even have gotten pregnant once. So I guess I am doing the best I can with what I have been given. I hope people understand that.
Losing Asher has really made me see who the important people are in my life. I have friends who are now more like family then some family has been. I may have lost some friends I'm not sure, but I know the ones who haven't left me and are always there for me when I need them. There are also some who I thought would be more "there" for me than they have been. And maybe they don't know what to say but you don't have to say anything just ask how I am doing. I am sure if everything works out with this pregnancy and this baby they will be there to share my joy, which is fine, but where were you when I needed you in my darkest days? Where were you when I was grieving the loss of Asher? It takes a couple seconds to send a text message or e-mail. Then you don't even have to hear my voice or see my tears.
I am doing the best I can with what I have been given so don't judge me.
