Some weeks go better than others in our house. And there are times when you just wish life would stop so you could catch your breath but it doesn't. Life always seems to keep going. There is never enough time in the day to get all the things done you need to, there is never enough money in the account to pay all those bills that are hanging over your head. But the last couple of weeks have been tough than others.
I still get caught up in the what ifs, and what could of beens. I still get jealous when I see someone has had a baby boy. I just want my baby boy. I really want to have another baby to try for that boy. I know right now is not that right time with Saige being so little still and financially we can't handle another one. But I do hope in a couple of years I will find a good paying job that maybe we can try for another one.
I just miss Asher so much and I know that will never go away but it is just harder this week. I think it comes with the changing season. It always seems to get to me. Olivia hasn't helped either. It seems like she has been acting up again. She has had to put her head down twice at school this week. I wish I knew what was going on with her. We will find out at parent/teacher conferences on Tuesday. I know she is a good girl I just want her to be respectful and listen to her teacher. She has trouble listening to me most days. We have started giving her consequences for her actions and she will lose things that she likes to do. So far it is going ok. Olivia has also been talking about Asher a lot this past week. We talk about him sometimes, but this is all on her own bringing him up. She came to me this week with tears in her eyes after a bad day at school where she had to put her head down. I thought she was upset about that. But she told me she missed Asher. I told her I missed Asher too. She then told me she wanted to go see him. I told her we could go to the cemetery and see him this weekend. Olivia told me she didn't want to go see his stone she wanted to go see him for real. I then had to go into the whole thing about how Asher was in heaven and that we couldn't go see him but that Asher was always in our hearts and that we could look at the picture of him. But that wasn't good enough she wanted to go to Heaven to see him. I told her it would be awhile before we could go to Heaven to see Asher. Olivia then looked at me with those tear filled eyes and told me that it was just taking to long to get to Heaven. Yes Olivia it is. But we just have to wait even thought waiting is oh so hard to do. But the day when we finally get to go to Heaven will be wonderful when I can hold Asher in my arms again.
Saige has been doing good. She is growing so fast. She loves her baby food and eats so much. She has also been challenging with her teeth coming in and her not feeling well. She cries a lot more lately than she used to. But one night when she was asleep in my arms it was like holding Asher all over again. It has happened to me a few times with her when I could have sworn I was holding Asher instead of Saige. She looks so much like him. I so wish Asher was running around our house with Olivia and Saige. Saige just learned how to clap her hands and it is super cute. I keep trying to get it on video but she always stops when I try to do it. Oh well I guess I will keep trying.
Olivia is learning so much in pre-kindergarten. She made me so proud when the other day she recited the pledge of allegence. I didn't even know if they still said that in school but I am so glad they do.
So as life keeps going on I will hang on for the ride and know that life will always have it's ups and downs for my family. Olivia will always know too much about life and death and that part of her innocence left when Asher died. But she keeps me going just like Saige keeps me going. I know things will get better financially at least I hope so. I am tired of worrying about money and bills. I wish they could magically go away. I just continue to pray that things will work out.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
First Day of Pre-K
I just realized I forgot to post this!
Well we survived it, more like I survived it, Olivia's first day of Pre-K which was already a week and a half ago. I'm not sure what Olivia was thinking on that day. I had been trying to get her really excited to go. But the week before she would have "tummy aches." I finally asked her if she was nervous about starting school, and she said she was. I'm not even sure she knows what nervous is. Anyway we took her to her open house and she met her teacher, who just happens to be the same teacher I had in kindergarten, so I know she is in good hands. She was shown where she would hang her back, her spot on the circle rug and which chair she would sit in (a yellow one). So the day came and we walked her to school and she was excited to do some puzzles and I was excited to hear about her day. I only shed one tear so I was pretty proud of myself. I will save the water works for Kindergarten I think. I was kind of looking forward to having a small break from her during the day. Don't get me wrong I love her to death, but she can get on my nerves sometimes.
So Chris and I go to pick her up from the first day and she won't say much, but man is she grumpy. Finally we got out of her what she thought of school and all she would say was it was kind of boring. Man we are in trouble if she thinks Pre-K is boring. So the next day she says the same thing. But this week she sounded like she had fun. She got to paint and go to the library and bring home a book. She informed me I had to keep the book in a special place so the dog wouldn't eat it.
I ask her about her day after school everyday and I don't know if what she is telling me really happened. Some of it sounds pretty made up to me, it's like she is creating her own language. I figure if she tells me the same thing two days in a row then I will believe it! I just want to follow her around for a day to see what she actually does.
When she gets home from school she is always super hungry, so I guess that means I will need to get more snacks in the house. She has also had some trouble going to sleep a couple of nights. But I think we got that taken care of, at least I hope.
Saige is enjoying the mommy and me time. I am enjoying it too since she mainly naps when Olivia is at school so I can nap too!! Saige's face lights up into the biggest smile when she see's Olivia come out of school each day. She misses her big sister that is for sure. And I know Asher is looking down on Olivia and keeping her safe on the playground and every where she goes. I know when what should of been his first day of school rolls around I will for sure be a mess. But we can cross that bridge when it comes.
Saige is now rolling from her back to her tummy. And she does it all the time. I know she knows how to roll the other way too, but she has figured out that if she screams someone will come get her. She still isn't sleeping through the night I try to let her cry it out which breaks my heart, but Olivia wakes up and starts screaming to come get her. So that is not working. Olivia is kind of a light sleeper so we will get there.
The sell of the house is still moving along. We still don't have anything planned on what house we will buy. We have one we like, but we need to save some money for a couple of months first. I can't wait for the girls to have their own rooms and own space. I still want another baby, really want that boy, but that is still up for debate and for sure at least a year down the road. I have some doctor changes coming my way so we will see how that goes when the time comes.
Summer is coming to an end and I am excited for the things that fall will bring for us. Moving to a new house hopefully and Olivia will be starting soccer and Sunday school again. Even though she is only in Pre-K we will for sure be busy parents as I want her to be as involved as she wants to be. She is officially a Rocket!!!
Well we survived it, more like I survived it, Olivia's first day of Pre-K which was already a week and a half ago. I'm not sure what Olivia was thinking on that day. I had been trying to get her really excited to go. But the week before she would have "tummy aches." I finally asked her if she was nervous about starting school, and she said she was. I'm not even sure she knows what nervous is. Anyway we took her to her open house and she met her teacher, who just happens to be the same teacher I had in kindergarten, so I know she is in good hands. She was shown where she would hang her back, her spot on the circle rug and which chair she would sit in (a yellow one). So the day came and we walked her to school and she was excited to do some puzzles and I was excited to hear about her day. I only shed one tear so I was pretty proud of myself. I will save the water works for Kindergarten I think. I was kind of looking forward to having a small break from her during the day. Don't get me wrong I love her to death, but she can get on my nerves sometimes.
So Chris and I go to pick her up from the first day and she won't say much, but man is she grumpy. Finally we got out of her what she thought of school and all she would say was it was kind of boring. Man we are in trouble if she thinks Pre-K is boring. So the next day she says the same thing. But this week she sounded like she had fun. She got to paint and go to the library and bring home a book. She informed me I had to keep the book in a special place so the dog wouldn't eat it.
I ask her about her day after school everyday and I don't know if what she is telling me really happened. Some of it sounds pretty made up to me, it's like she is creating her own language. I figure if she tells me the same thing two days in a row then I will believe it! I just want to follow her around for a day to see what she actually does.
When she gets home from school she is always super hungry, so I guess that means I will need to get more snacks in the house. She has also had some trouble going to sleep a couple of nights. But I think we got that taken care of, at least I hope.
Saige is enjoying the mommy and me time. I am enjoying it too since she mainly naps when Olivia is at school so I can nap too!! Saige's face lights up into the biggest smile when she see's Olivia come out of school each day. She misses her big sister that is for sure. And I know Asher is looking down on Olivia and keeping her safe on the playground and every where she goes. I know when what should of been his first day of school rolls around I will for sure be a mess. But we can cross that bridge when it comes.
Saige is now rolling from her back to her tummy. And she does it all the time. I know she knows how to roll the other way too, but she has figured out that if she screams someone will come get her. She still isn't sleeping through the night I try to let her cry it out which breaks my heart, but Olivia wakes up and starts screaming to come get her. So that is not working. Olivia is kind of a light sleeper so we will get there.
The sell of the house is still moving along. We still don't have anything planned on what house we will buy. We have one we like, but we need to save some money for a couple of months first. I can't wait for the girls to have their own rooms and own space. I still want another baby, really want that boy, but that is still up for debate and for sure at least a year down the road. I have some doctor changes coming my way so we will see how that goes when the time comes.
Summer is coming to an end and I am excited for the things that fall will bring for us. Moving to a new house hopefully and Olivia will be starting soccer and Sunday school again. Even though she is only in Pre-K we will for sure be busy parents as I want her to be as involved as she wants to be. She is officially a Rocket!!!
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