Faith in God has been a big part of my life in the past year or so. I would be lying if I didn't say I was extremely angry with God after Asher died. I wanted to yell and scream at him for taking my precious baby from me. I didn't want to go to church I felt cheated by a God who was supposed to protect me. A God I prayed to every night when I was pregnant with Asher. A God who was supposed to make all my dreams come true.
While growing up I went to church and I knew it was important but I don't know how much I got out of it. In college and when I moved out of the house I didn't go to church much. I just didn't want to. I didn't like being "forced" in my own mind to go when I was growing up. I would have much rather slept in. But when I had Olivia I knew it was important for her to grow up in the church. I see high school kids today who have so much faith and I wish that would have been me growing up. Olivia loves going to church and Sunday School. She loves singing and reading her Bible. But after Asher died that all stopped.
I spoke with pastor a couple of times after his death and was told it's ok to be angry with God because he can take it. They told me to go into the sancuraty and just yell if I needed to. I never did that, but I was so angry. I felt anger towards everything and everyone. People told me that Asher was in better hands, that God needed him more than me. How could that possible be? I needed him. He was supposed to be with me. I did everything right. How was I supposed to pray now when obviously God didn't listen anyway.
But now almost two years later I know that God has a plan. We may not like it at the time but eventually we will understand. I still don't understand the why but maybe I never will. But God and Asher have made me a better person. I know that I need to not take life for granted and tell Olivia and Saige that I love them every second I get.
Saige was truely a blessing and we needed it at the time. I would be lying to say the pregnancy was not hard on me. I was waiting for her to die too. I did learn to pray again and I prayed and prayed she would arrive safely. I was a paranoid mess most of the pregnancy then in the last month something happend. I just let go. I didn't give up, but I was just calm. I knew God would take over for me. He already knew what was going to happen so I just let him have it. My doctor even asked me why I was the calm one when everyone else is a mess. And I just said I can't control it anyway so might as well be calm. And everything worked out great. I love Saige so much and I know Asher is looking down on us. He is espcially watching out for daddy with all those girls in his house.
Olivia even told my doctor she was going to marry a boy named Asher one day. Maybe she will. I know Asher will keep her and Saige safe.
I read this article a couple of days ago and I invite you to read it to. It descirpes stillbirth perfectly. It wasn't something that happened to me. It was something I was forced to participate in. I hated my body because I had Asher die inside of me and I still had to give birth to him knowing he wasn't alive. You arms really do ache to hold the baby you lost. The milk still comes in for no one. It is just really powerful.
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/04/what-i-mean-when-i-say-my-daughter-was-stillborn/
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Saturday, April 12, 2014
9 Weeks
I know I need to blog more. I hope by telling my story and my experiences that I am helping someone out there who may be on the beginning of there journey through loss. At this time in my journey I feel like it will be never ending. Even though things in life change a piece of my heart will always remain missing. I hate to admit it, but with the busy life I now have with Olivia and Saige sometimes I feel like I don't visit Asher enough or think of him every second like I used to. He is always in the back of my mind though and I kiss his picture every night before bed. I do still think of him and always will. My heart still aches from losing him.
I may be crazy but there have been a couple of times since bringing Saige home that I could have sworn I was holding Asher all over again. In the first couple of weeks I was awake in the middle of the night and I'm sure I was sleep deprived but I looked down and Saige and all I saw was Asher. Oh how I wish I could hold him again. Then just yesterday Saige was sleeping in her bassinet and I could see Asher laying in his casket all over again. I know my mind is playing tricks on me. Maybe I miss him so much that I think I see him I don't know.
Things with Olivia are getting easier. She is very helpful, sometimes too helpful. She isn't acting out as much any more, but when she does it is usually a good fight. It helps that she can go outside now. We like to take walks and play outside.
Things with Saige are slowly getting better. She has been diagnosed with MSPI so her body doesn't know the difference between food and bad things. So she is growing due to her formula already being pre digested in a sense. We go back to her GI doctor in a couple of weeks to see how she is doing. She seems to be eating a little bit more at a time and she has slept for a couple 4 hour stretches at night. I just hate seeing her in so much pain when she eats. She also now has to go see a Physical Therapist. She has a flat spot on her head and also tight neck muscles. So we hope we can get that taken care of too. She is just a stubborn baby when it comes to some things. It is so crazy how different two babies can be. Olivia was so easy. She had some sleeping issues but those were my fault. But Saige is completely different. We are trying to get her used to her crib now and that is rough she just cries and cries in there.
I have learned not to keep my emotions in well I'm trying anyway. There are things that bother me and I just keep things bottled up. But if you don't tell the other person what you are thinking or feeling nothing gets better and bad feeling occur. It has to do with not getting enough sleep and that makes me irritable and grumpy at times. I feel like my body is finally getting used to it though. Marriage is something that is a daily thing you have to work on. Chris and I have been through so much that we aren't going to give up. We have been to hell and are on our way back. We are doing it together. Statics show that the loss of a child can increase the risk of couples breaking up. We are not going to be that statistic. We are going to continue to talk through things and work together. We are not sure if we will have more kids in the future. It will be a ways off for sure if we decide to though! I really want a boy. And maybe I am being selfish but I want my baby boy.
I am back to work. I am only working two days a week so it is not too bad. The girls are in good hands when I am at work though. I have been applying for other jobs. I need to be able to make more money to better support my family. But so far all I have gotten is rejection letter after rejection letter. I know God has a plan for me. I am just taking things one day at a time and hope we survive. We are so lucky to have such a wonderful family to help us out financially when we need it. I just hate asking for help all the time. It was a tough choice to only go back to work part time. But we just could not afford daycare at this time. It's so expensive.
We have a busy May ahead of us. Olivia is going to be turning 4 years old. How can that be possible? When did my first born become a child? She is so great! She is full of energy and knowledge. She is so smart most times she knows more than she should. I feel she knows more about life and death than she should, but it has made her super compassionate. Also Saige will be baptized in May. It's going to be an emotional time for us but also bitter sweet. She is my rainbow baby and so it is only fitting that we are having a rainbow themed party afterwards for her. It will be a celebration of Saige and also an honoring of Asher at the same time.
We decorated Asher's grave for Easter. I need to get out there and take some pictures of it. I am still on medication to try and keep my emotions in check. I'm not afraid to admit it. Sometimes you just need a little help. I am super afraid to go off my medication though. I don't know how I will react. I want to try and better myself by losing some weight. But I don't know where to begin. I'm not big on exercise and I'm not big on cooking. I know too many excuses. I just need to find the time to get going.
I may be crazy but there have been a couple of times since bringing Saige home that I could have sworn I was holding Asher all over again. In the first couple of weeks I was awake in the middle of the night and I'm sure I was sleep deprived but I looked down and Saige and all I saw was Asher. Oh how I wish I could hold him again. Then just yesterday Saige was sleeping in her bassinet and I could see Asher laying in his casket all over again. I know my mind is playing tricks on me. Maybe I miss him so much that I think I see him I don't know.
Things with Olivia are getting easier. She is very helpful, sometimes too helpful. She isn't acting out as much any more, but when she does it is usually a good fight. It helps that she can go outside now. We like to take walks and play outside.
Things with Saige are slowly getting better. She has been diagnosed with MSPI so her body doesn't know the difference between food and bad things. So she is growing due to her formula already being pre digested in a sense. We go back to her GI doctor in a couple of weeks to see how she is doing. She seems to be eating a little bit more at a time and she has slept for a couple 4 hour stretches at night. I just hate seeing her in so much pain when she eats. She also now has to go see a Physical Therapist. She has a flat spot on her head and also tight neck muscles. So we hope we can get that taken care of too. She is just a stubborn baby when it comes to some things. It is so crazy how different two babies can be. Olivia was so easy. She had some sleeping issues but those were my fault. But Saige is completely different. We are trying to get her used to her crib now and that is rough she just cries and cries in there.
I have learned not to keep my emotions in well I'm trying anyway. There are things that bother me and I just keep things bottled up. But if you don't tell the other person what you are thinking or feeling nothing gets better and bad feeling occur. It has to do with not getting enough sleep and that makes me irritable and grumpy at times. I feel like my body is finally getting used to it though. Marriage is something that is a daily thing you have to work on. Chris and I have been through so much that we aren't going to give up. We have been to hell and are on our way back. We are doing it together. Statics show that the loss of a child can increase the risk of couples breaking up. We are not going to be that statistic. We are going to continue to talk through things and work together. We are not sure if we will have more kids in the future. It will be a ways off for sure if we decide to though! I really want a boy. And maybe I am being selfish but I want my baby boy.
I am back to work. I am only working two days a week so it is not too bad. The girls are in good hands when I am at work though. I have been applying for other jobs. I need to be able to make more money to better support my family. But so far all I have gotten is rejection letter after rejection letter. I know God has a plan for me. I am just taking things one day at a time and hope we survive. We are so lucky to have such a wonderful family to help us out financially when we need it. I just hate asking for help all the time. It was a tough choice to only go back to work part time. But we just could not afford daycare at this time. It's so expensive.
We have a busy May ahead of us. Olivia is going to be turning 4 years old. How can that be possible? When did my first born become a child? She is so great! She is full of energy and knowledge. She is so smart most times she knows more than she should. I feel she knows more about life and death than she should, but it has made her super compassionate. Also Saige will be baptized in May. It's going to be an emotional time for us but also bitter sweet. She is my rainbow baby and so it is only fitting that we are having a rainbow themed party afterwards for her. It will be a celebration of Saige and also an honoring of Asher at the same time.
We decorated Asher's grave for Easter. I need to get out there and take some pictures of it. I am still on medication to try and keep my emotions in check. I'm not afraid to admit it. Sometimes you just need a little help. I am super afraid to go off my medication though. I don't know how I will react. I want to try and better myself by losing some weight. But I don't know where to begin. I'm not big on exercise and I'm not big on cooking. I know too many excuses. I just need to find the time to get going.
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