A Year Ago Today.... Part 5

Well a year ago today was probably the second worst day of my life.  Today was the day I had to lay my sweet beautiful baby to rest.  A year ago today would have been his funeral and the last day I would see his beautiful face in person.  I don't remember a whole lot from the actual day.  I know I cried a lot and a lot of people were at the church to pay there respects and to say goodbye to Asher.  The night before the funereal we had a viewing just for family.  That was so hard for me.  I got to see Asher for the first time since I left him at the hospital.  I hated seeing him in the casket.  He was so small and innocent.  I remember breaking down and just scream Why my baby?  I just wanted my baby back.

Looking back I wish we would of had the funereal on DVD.  We were asked if we wanted to but we said no.  I don't know if I would ever watch it again, but it would be nice to have.  I remember Jesus Loves Me was one of the songs.  And really the only other thing I remember was Olivia pooped during the funereal.  I know that is a crazy thing to remember, but that is what I do remember.

The cemetery was so hot and the grass was so dry.  Where the ground was mounded over his little body that day is now flat.  His headstone is in place.  I still go and visit him almost everyday.  It's how I feel close to him.

The physical pain of giving birth wasn't too bad, but the emotional pain was so great.  I remember taking pain medication.  Trying to take the pain away from my heart.  But it never worked.  It did help me sleep a little bit, but it never took the pain away.  The pain is still here and still great.

It still hurts to see the babies on Facebook.  I just think how could all these women have healthy babies.  Why did mine die?  How come I have to be different?  I just want to be happy like them.  When is it going to be my turn to hear my newborn baby cry?  Everyone makes it look so easy.  And it should be easy.  Why do I have to work so hard to get to bring a baby home?  I hope my family will get what is wishes and longs for soon.  We just want that baby crying to come home with us.

A Year Ago Today... Part 4

A year ago today, I had to do another thing that no parent should ever have to do.  I had to plan a funeral.  It was the day I was supposed to be bringing my baby home from the hospital.  But instead I had to go plan his funereal.  I didn't know the first thing about planning a funereal.  I was a mess.  I was still numb and in shock.

Chris and I were lucky to have the support we did because otherwise we never would have made it.  We had to plan out the music for his funeral what day we wanted it and everything.  It was so hard.  There really isn't much about that day I really remember.  I know we were constantly surrounded by family.  I remember just wanting to sleep in my bed and to wake up from the nightmare.  But I never woke up, and in a couple too short days I had to lay my baby to rest.

A Year Ago Today... Part 3

It was one year ago today that I left the hospital.  I was supposed to be leaving the hospital with a sweet baby boy in my arms.  Instead I left the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart.  I remember it was the longest, quietest ride home from Lincoln ever.  My arms physically ached from not having a baby in them.  I was numb and in shock by everything that had happened.

I remember before leaving the hospital breaking down and crying in the bed just horrible sobs.  And Olivia climbing up on my bed and hugging me and wiping away my tears and telling me that everything was going to be alright.  She is such a sweet girl.  And yesterday when I broke down in those same sobs she hugged me and wiped away my tears and told me that everything was going to be ok.  I hope so Olivia I really do.  It is just still so hard to not have Asher here.

I remember holding Asher for the last time and the nurse taking him away.  Chris had gone to get the car and she asked if I wanted to see him one last time.  She took me to another room and he was just laying there so still and so quiet.  Right then and there I had to leave my baby at the hospital and I had to go home with nothing.  No mother should have to do that.  Saying goodbye was so hard.  I wanted Asher so bad.

Today we had a family picnic for Asher and it was nice to be with family.  Olivia caught her first fish and was so happy.  I am sure Asher was looking down on her just smiling.  I hope my Grandpa Scurto and my sister Stephanie gave Asher the best birthday party ever in heaven.

A Year Ago Today... Part 2

525,600 minutes and 365 days, that is how long it has been since my sweet Asher came into this world so quiet.  It is a day I have been dreading for a long time.  I still don't understand how this could happen to me and my family.  I don't understand why perfect babies have to die.  I am not and probably never will be the same person I woke up as on July 20, 2012.  That day has changed me.  I still don't know if it is for the better or not.

The sadness and grief still consumes most of my days.  I have cried almost everyday for a straight year.  It usually at night when the quiet house gets to me.  It's not supposed to be this quiet.  It is quiet just like the delivery room was that night.  It was 6:57 p.m. that Asher was born.  I didn't get to hear him cry or take his first breath.  That utter horrible silence was preceded by the words that still rock my world.  "This baby is not alive."  Those five words will forever be ingrained into my mind.  They are the words I fear again.

There was no reason for Asher to die.  He was perfect in every way.  I wish I could have heard his first cry and seen his first smile.  Those are all things others may take for granted.  But I guarantee if we are ever blessed with a baby again those will be the things we cherish the most.

In this year I would have given anything to have those sleepless nights.  I would have given anything to change those stinky diapers.  Instead all I got was a body who knew it had had a baby.  I got the milk that I would never be able to feed my baby because he was gone. 

I hope Asher had a good birthday in heaven.  We tired to make it special for him on earth.  We took him balloons and made him cupcakes. Olivia sang to him and we released a balloon to him, which was so sad.  Tomorrow we will get together as a family to remember my sweet baby boy.

 

A Year Ago Today... Part 1

So July 18th is here.  And it was a year ago today that I went to the doctor.  I was finally feeling great.  I laid on that table and heard my baby's heartbeat and it was perfect.  We also scheduled my induction to be the following Tuesday.  I was so excited, I was going to meet my baby boy really soon.  My mom and I went to lunch then and everything was perfect.

Little did I know that that moment in time would be the last time I would hear my sweet Asher's heartbeat.  It would be the last thing I can remember that signified that he was alive.  I would love to say that I remember when I felt him move in the next couple of days, but that is just something that I do not remember.  It breaks my heart that I can't remember that.

I hate that my body failed me.  I hate not knowing if it will fail me again.  Yes I still blame myself even though I know there is nothing I did wrong and there was nothing I could do to save him.  I would do anything to have him here with me.

I should be planning his first birthday party, not crying myself to sleep every night.  I know some people may think things should be better for me since it has almost been a year.  But until you have lost a child and have been through this kind of pain you will never understand my feelings or those of anyone else's.

I have so many feelings and emotions this week it is really hard to write them down.  It hasn't been an easy week so far, and I don't think things will get much better.  I will just be sitting here crying wishing my Asher was here in my arms.

A Lament for My Baby
I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didnt get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
... I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"
~Author Unknown

Seven Days

I have been meaning to write something, but I don't know what to write I guess.  I have so many emotions, but don't know how to put them to words.  I can't believe that in seven days Asher would have been one year old.  It is still so hard to think about that day.  I relive it almost everyday.  And it seems like the simplest things make me remember being pregnant with him or make me miss him so much.  When I hear a baby cry it just breaks my heart into a thousand pieces.  Olivia always says to me "Mommy when need another baby to bring home in a basket."  And I just look into her sweet eyes and tell her that Mommy hopes that it will happen soon too.  Everytime I walk into my doctor's office I think about being pregnant with Asher and then going their without him.

It was a year ago today I had a doctor's appointment.  I begged to have the baby that day.  I was miserable and didn't feel good.  I had another UTI and I just wanted not to be pregnant any more.  I was just over 37 weeks.  And of course my doctor said no.  Apparently you can't be induced until 39 weeks by law.  Well I will tell you what, when I am pregnant again there is nothing that he can say to me to make me wait until 39 weeks to have the baby.  I waited with Asher and what did it get me.  NOTHING  It got me a baby I had to plan a funeral for.  And since it is not sure why Asher died I want that baby in my arms as soon as possible.

I just miss him so much.  We have planned to have a family get together on July 21st.  Chris and I decided that we just need to be alone as a family on July 20th.  It won't be an easy day but we will go see him often I bet.  Olivia already told me that she is going to sing him Happy Birthday.  She is such a sweet little girl.  Without her there would have been no way I would have survived this year.  She keeps me going.  She knows when I need a hug or just someone to cuddle with.  If I am crying she will bring me her "Manny" for me to hold.  Olivia and Asher mean everything to me.  I just hope soon that we can bring another baby into our home so Olivia can experience growing up with a sibling, but that is something that Chris nor I never got the chance to experience.  I no longer care that we don't have a big enough house.  Our house is filled with love and we will find a place to put more children when we are blessed with them.

I will try to blog more this week.  It's going to be a tough one but I'm sure we will get through it.

July

Well it's finally here, the month I have been dreading since July 20th 2012.  It's July it's here and I couldn't stop it from coming.  I can't believe it has almost been a year since I gave birth to my sweet Asher James.  I still relive that day everyday.  I remember the beginning of July we were so happy and I was very pregnant and it was very hot.  Olivia and I were enjoying the pool.  I didn't care how big I was I was about to have a son the one thing I so desperately wanted.

This July is very different.  This July is less hot and I have a hole in my heart this summer.  Don't get me wrong Asher is in my heart always, but he is not in my arms, and that is so very very hard.  If I could turn back time and do something, anything different I would in a second.  If you would have asked me after Asher died if I would survive a year I probably wouldn't of told you that I wouldn't survive it.  How could I my baby died!  But it's almost here twenty days away.  I almost survived it.  ALMOST because it isn't here yet.  I am sure that this next twenty days will bring lots and lots of tears.  So if you see me take it easy on me because I am still a grieving mother who misses her baby something terrible.  I love to talk about him, but be prepared for tears.  It warms my heart when people ask how we are doing.  Because your lives might have moved on, but ours hasn't.  At least not for me.  I am still rooted in the day that horrible horrible day when my baby was born into heaven.

In the last year I am amazed by the people.  There are those that I thought would be there for me, those that would ask how I am doing.  But instead I find out that they don't really care.  Sure they asked how I was a week later.  And then there are those surprises that ask me how I am all the time.  They are friends now and they are now my family.  I am greatful for my friends who have been there for me.  I have also made some new friends who have gone though this horrible thing too.  I just hope that some day soon all these people who have been there for me can help celebrate joy with me. 

So as I cry myself to sleep every night this month please just say a little prayer for my family because this will be a tough month for us to get through.  I am going to surround myself with family and hopefully that friends who I haven't scared away to make it though this.  I am going to hug Olivia tighter every night because she is the reason I get up in the morning.  I am going to try and keep her life as normal as possible.

If you every have a friend who has lost a child please please don't be afraid to ask how they are doing, even a year later or long.  Because that is all they want is to know that someone hasn't forgotten the child they lost.  I know your life has moved on but ours hasn't.  We just want to know that people haven't forgotten our pain and our loss.

So for the rest of July Olivia and I will do what we did last July until that sad sad day, you will probably catch us at the pool.