Pennies from Heaven

Every night I talk to my sweet Asher before bed.  I tell him how much I love him and miss him.  And lately I have been asking him for strength to get through the next few weeks which are going to be so hard for us.  I can't believe he would have been eleven months old this past week.  The time has gone too fast and yet it seems like a long time ago that I got to hold him in my arms.  I didn't want to say goodbye to him because I never really got to say hello.  I miss him so so much.  Oh how my life would be different if he were here.  When I talk to him I also always tell him to take care of Olivia and to watch out for her and keep her safe.  And at the very end I always ask him to send me a sign that he is thinking of us and a sign that everything will be ok.  Today we got that sign.

 

To you it may just look like an ordinary penny.  But to our family finding a penny on the ground now means something much more.  A few weeks after Asher's death my mom sent me this poem which now holds so much meaning over our family.  We never look at that penny on the ground the same way.  Today Olivia and I found this penny in the parking lot on the way to swimming lessons.  I believe it was Asher's sign that he is thinking of us and that everything will be alright.  I have to have faith right?  Here is the poem:

"Pennies from Heaven"

I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground.
But it's not just a penny
This little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven
that's what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels tossed them down
Oh, how I loved that story!

He said when an Angel misses you
They toss a penny down,
sometimes just to cheer you up
To make a smile out of your frown.

So don't pass by that penny
When you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven
That an Angel's tossed to you.

Another Day

Well it's another day in my life.  It has been a challenging week for us in the Foley house.  There have been words that have been taken the wrong way and many many tears.  Maybe it was because there has been extra stress on us as we try to buy a different car to replace our broken one.  That means it was many nights that we were not in our normal "routine."  I hate being out of the routine, I like things to go as they are supposed to.  Which is probably also another reason Asher's death has been so hard on me.  It didn't turn out as planned.  We had planned to bring a baby home, we had planned to have one girl and one boy, the "perfect" family.  But things didn't go as planned.

Instead of bringing home my baby boy I had to leave the hospital with nothing but an empty car seat and a diaper bag that was packed but that the contents would never be used.  It sucked to put it mildly.  Instead of bringing my baby home I had to plan a funeral a couple of days after he was born.  Instead of bringing my baby home I had to have a funeral for him.  I still go visit him almost everyday, I don't know if that is good for me or not.  I can go see him without crying now though.

I still cry everyday.  There is something that usually sets me off.  The pregnant lady who comes into the bank that is due soon, the babies I see on Facebook, the catalog I get in the mail that tells me it is time to start planning that first birthday party.  Those are the things that make me sad.  I try to focus on Olivia, but she also makes me sad.  She is learning new stuff everyday and I think realize I will never see Asher learn those same things.  She is almost potty trained and I am longing to change a babys diaper.  I want to be rocking that baby and feeding him/her a bottle.  I hope I get that chance very soon again.  I will know in a couple of weeks if it is my time.

I have tried to not be too stressed out this time, but the stress always seems to find me.  I know I am depressed and I have anxiety and I maybe even have PTSD I don't know.  I know I probably need to get help, but I don't know how to ask and I don't know where to turn.  I am trying to deal with it on my own.  I have been talking to a friend a lot this week and he has given lots of great advice.  He told me that God has already forgiven me for all my past mistakes and that God doesn't think it's my fault for what happened to Asher.  So it is time I try and forgive myself.  I am trying I really am, but it's hard.  Asher was in my body when he died so that makes me feel responsible.  I am trying to live life as Asher would want me to.  I know he would want me to be happy again.  And maybe I will be happy again, I don't know.  But right now I am not.  I guess it is ok to not be ok.

Memorial Day

Memorial day wasn't an easy one for me.  We went to put flowers on Asher's grave on Saturday.  I was over come with emotion when I seen how many people put flowers on his grave.  It was amazing to see how many people love him so much and who love our family so much.  I mean I go see him everyday, but it was special to see how decorated it was.  We went to a family party on Sunday and it was hard.  It is always so hard for me to put on the happy face and act like everything is ok when I'm dying inside.  No one really gets it.  It is exhausting to put up that face.  And don't tell me God will provide what we need.  Maybe he will but he took my child from me.  All I want is to be pregnant and to focus on growing a healthy baby that I can bring home this time.  It's not easy believe me.  And I hate talking about making plans for things in the future.

Talk about a future vacation brings anxiety to me.  I hope that by that time I will have a newborn in my arms.  I don't want to make a commitment or get my hopes up.  I don't want to go far from home.  I want to be close to Asher.  I know I carry him every where in my heart, but for some reason I feel physically close to him at the cemetery and at my house.  I still hate leaving the house.  I would rather just stay home with Olivia.  It is so hard for me to see pregnant people or babies.  I try to avoid those situations.

Today we are taking Olivia's 3 year pictures and some family pictures.  I would rather not do the family pictures, but I know it will be important to Olivia some day.  It is just hard to do when Asher is supposed to be in those pictures too.  We are going to incorporate some pictures of him in the family pictures, so I hope they turn out good.  I just don't want anyone to forget him. I know I never will, but he is part of my family and he always will be.  There is a huge hole in my heart, and I don't know if it will ever be filled again.  Like I have said many times before a part of me died when I found out Asher died.  I will never be the same person and if you don't like the new person I have become then so be it.  I can't help it.  Nothing has the same meaning it once did and it probably won't.  Some problems just don't see worth worrying about any more.  So until you know and feel my pain please don't judge me.  I am doing the best I can.

Mother's Day

Well today was not an easy day for me.  It was Mother's Day and I am the mother of an angel.  I miss my Asher so much.  I went to see him at the cemetery and I like to think that he was looking down on me today.  I pray for all the mother's who have suffered this great loss.  It seems like more and more people are having babies or are pregnant again.  I just want a chance again.  I need that baby in my arms.  Only a couple people told me happy mother's day.  Not even my husband did, and I guess that upset me.  Maybe he didn't want to make me sad, but I already was so it ddin't matter.

I was lucky enough to have a great distraction today so I could forget about Mother's day.  We celebrated Olivia's 3rd birthday.  I can't believe she will be three tomorrow.  It seems like just yesterday I was in the hospital having her.  I wasn in labor for almost 24 hours before she arrived and she was perfect.  My little bundle of joy.  She made me smile today and I guess that was what I needed.  It makes me so sad to look at her grow up so fast.  I know I should focus on her, but in the back of my mind I always think about how Asher will never celebrate any birthdays here on earth.  And how by the time we have another child if we are blessed with one that Olivia will almost be another year older.  I didn't want my children spaced so far apart.  But I guess you get what you get.  I wish Asher were here every second of the day.  I am praying for acceptance and for the chance to be pregnant again and to bring another baby home.

I was induced with Olivia and she was a stubborn one and would never hold still for the heart monitor.  We waited and waited all day for her to come.  She was finally born at 3:15 a.m. on May 13, 2010.  We like to tease her about how she got her name.  Chris and I hadn't decided on a name yet and she was born and the doctors were cleaning her up and Chris left to go tell everyone she was here.  He came back into the room and I said so what should we name her and he was like oh I already told everyone her name was Olivia Ann.  But it suits her well.  She is my pride and joy and the only reason I get out of bed everyday.  As her mother I hope she never has to go through this kind of heartache and pain in her lifetime.  I hope she enjoyed her birthday.  She had a great party and she received a lot of things for her doll Sophie.  She got a stroller, car seat, diaper bag, high chair, and clothes for her doll.  While sitting rocking her tonight after we got home she looked at me and said, "Ma Ma I sure got alot of things for Sophie today."  And I said yes you did Olivia.  And she said, "I sure feel like a mommy now."  She is a wonderful mommy to Sophie and I know she will be a wonderful mother somday because she has so much compasion and is wise beyond her years.   I love you Olivia Ann Foley.  You are my pride and joy.

Bereaved Mother's Day

I guess today is Bereaved Mother's Day.  It is my first one.  I know I have Olivia and get to celebrate the real day too, but this is the one I get to remember my Asher.  I still cry everyday and think about him all the time.  I just can't get over his death.  I read an article on how we can sometimes dwell on our loss.  I don't care if I am dwelling I love my son and I will never get over it.  I don't want to get over it.  I loved him so much and I ddin't even get the chance to know him.  I wish the pain wasn't so great, but I don't know how to make it better.  Everyday I am reminded about my loss.  Whether it is the baby I see at work or the pregnant person at the store.  It is always a slap in the face and no way to get rid of it. 

I want to be pregnant so bad.  And as Chris pointed out, it won't be Asher and it won't be a baby forever.  And I know that I wanted to scream at him.  But at least it would be something in my arms that still ache.  It would be that little cry and something to take care ot.  I want to be pregnant so I have a reason to take care of my body because right now I really don't care.  I want to be pregnant so I have something else to think about.  Right now my mind is consumed with losing Asher.  I relive that day over and over and over.  I just need something else to focus on.  Every month when I get my period again it is like he dies all over again.  I hate my body and don't know if I will ever like it again.

I am trying to learn to live with things as they are, but it is so hard.  I prepared nine months for Asher and it all seems like it was for nothing.  I am trying to focus my days on preparing for Olivia's third birthday party.  That is hard for me too though.  Asher was supposed to be here.  Olivia was supposed to have a brother here are earth, but she doesn't.  And if I don't get pregnant soon she is going to be four before the next one is ever born.  I didn't want my kids spaced that far apart.  That wasn't part of my life plan.  But I guess God had others plans for me.  And I don't like them.

I still find it hard to pray to him since he doesn't seem to answer them anyway.  I do thank him for what I have.  I figured he already knows what I want anyway.

We put our house up for sale again and I hope it sells soon.  There are too many bad memories in this house.  I need a fresh start.  We all need a fresh start.

Please God answer my praryers!

Alone

I haven't written in awhile, I guess I am not sure what to write.  I still am not doing very well.  Night time is still a struggle for me.  But it seems like the littlest thing can set me off and I will be crying.  I still cry all the time and lately I have been feeling so alone.  I guess it is because not many people ask to see how we are doing any more.  I mean I am sure people care, it is just that they moved on with their lives and I guess I haven't.  How can I?  I mean I lost my precious baby.  I just want to scream that numerous times a day.  I hope that those who are truely my friends will stick by me through all this.  I know I have not been a good friend, but I am doing the best I can.  Most of the time I am in a dark place and I am just trying to get through the day.  Being depressed and grieving is extremely exhausting.  I try to be happy for Olivia, but it is super hard sometimes.  I am finding myself getting frustrated with her again super easy.  I just don't know what to do.  We are trying so hard to have another baby, but it seems like my body isn't cooperating.  I will probably end up calling the doctor again to see what the next step is.  I am sure he is tired of hearing from me, but until I get a baby in my arms I am going to be calling.

Living without Asher is so hard.  I still try to visit him almost everyday.  And since it is coming up on Memorial Day and his one year birthday it will be so hard for me to cope.  I really wanted a baby in my arms by the time Asher turned one.  But I guess that was not in the plans for me.  People ask how I am doing, and I say ok when really I am dying inside.  I want to tell them how I really am, but I'm sure they don't want to hear it.  I feel like people look at me and think there is that lady who lost her baby.  And when I think that it makes me feel like it was my fault.  Sometimes I still feel like it was, but I know there was nothing I could have done, because if there was Asher would be here.  I miss him so much.  He has a part of my heart with him in heaven because it is gone now.

I am tired of daily life, it is so pointless most of the time.  I get up and go for Olivia she is all I have.  I know I need to stay here for her even when I don't want to.  I just hope someday she gets to experience having the sibling to grow up with that I never had.  She is going to be three in a couple weeks and it makes me upset because she is supposed to have a brother here.  They were supposed to be close in age.  If I ever get pregnant again she is going to be almost four by the time the next baby gets here.

It has been hard for me to pray again lately.  I feel like I am just saying empty words.  I am praying so hard to get pregnant and nothing is happening.  Where are you God and why aren't you listening to me?  I need to have something to hold onto and look forward too.  Something that gets me out of bed in the morning.  I want to be pregnant so I have a reason to take care of myself.  Why can't this happen for me?  I am angry and want to scream at God for many many reasons.  I know he can take it, but at the same time I feel like if I am angry with Him then He is never going to answer my prayers.  It upsets me that all these people are getting pregnant unplanned and I am working my butt off to try and get pregnant and nothing is happening.  I am charting and planning out everything and it is all for nothing.  I am tired of it.  I am trying to relax and be less stressed but it is so hard when the thing you wanted most was taken away from you. 

I just don't know what to do anymore.  Everything is so hard and not getting any easier.  Right now I am not agreeing with the time heals all things.  I think it is a sham.

Someone Is Missing
Someone is missing from our dinner table,
from our bedroom and our home.
Someone is missing from holiday celebrations,
family vacations and everywhere in between.
Someone is missing from our lives,
Our littlest one is gone.
He will not have birthday parties, graduations, or celebrations.
We will miss him throughout eternity
and our family will never be complete.
... Someone is missing, yet we go on.
Our lives are touched by him.
Changed forever by his brief existence.
His memory we keep alive.
He lives only in our hearts and minds,
We were blessed by his short life.
Our love for him forever strong.
Even though...someone will always be...MISSING.
- D. Lutz

Anniversary

Thursday Chris and I will have been married four years.  I don't know if it seems like a long time or not.  I remember a good portion of our wedding day.  It was a good day and I was so happy.  We really don't celebrate much for our anniversary.  I have been pregnant two out of the four years so far.  I really wish I was pregnant again this year, or I wish Asher were here with us.

Sometimes I wonder if Chris would have known what was going to happen in our life together if he would have still choosen to marry me.  I mean when we got married who would of thought that a few years down the road we would have to bury a son we never got to meet.  We have talked about this and he says he still would have married me.  But it is hard for me to think that through.  I mean sometimes I feel I have caused him all this pain and grief.  I know it isn't my fault Asher died, but he was in my body. 

Asher death has definely brought us closer together.  If we didn't have Olivia though I don't know where we would be.  We are still despertaly trying to get pregnant again.  Maybe it will happen on our anniversary.  I just hope next year when it comes time to celebrate our five year that we can do it with a baby in our arms once again.

I haven't been easy to live with since Asher died.  The littlest things can bring me to tears.  I get frustrated and angry pretty easy.  I try to keep it in check, but sometimes it just needs to come out.  I try to be a good wife and mother.  I just hope I am enough for them.  I know someday this cloud of saddness and despair will lift a little bit and I'm not sure who I will be once it does, but I know that I will always try to be the best wife and mother that I can be.  I know that is what Asher would want me to do.