Another Day

Well it's another day in my life.  It has been a challenging week for us in the Foley house.  There have been words that have been taken the wrong way and many many tears.  Maybe it was because there has been extra stress on us as we try to buy a different car to replace our broken one.  That means it was many nights that we were not in our normal "routine."  I hate being out of the routine, I like things to go as they are supposed to.  Which is probably also another reason Asher's death has been so hard on me.  It didn't turn out as planned.  We had planned to bring a baby home, we had planned to have one girl and one boy, the "perfect" family.  But things didn't go as planned.

Instead of bringing home my baby boy I had to leave the hospital with nothing but an empty car seat and a diaper bag that was packed but that the contents would never be used.  It sucked to put it mildly.  Instead of bringing my baby home I had to plan a funeral a couple of days after he was born.  Instead of bringing my baby home I had to have a funeral for him.  I still go visit him almost everyday, I don't know if that is good for me or not.  I can go see him without crying now though.

I still cry everyday.  There is something that usually sets me off.  The pregnant lady who comes into the bank that is due soon, the babies I see on Facebook, the catalog I get in the mail that tells me it is time to start planning that first birthday party.  Those are the things that make me sad.  I try to focus on Olivia, but she also makes me sad.  She is learning new stuff everyday and I think realize I will never see Asher learn those same things.  She is almost potty trained and I am longing to change a babys diaper.  I want to be rocking that baby and feeding him/her a bottle.  I hope I get that chance very soon again.  I will know in a couple of weeks if it is my time.

I have tried to not be too stressed out this time, but the stress always seems to find me.  I know I am depressed and I have anxiety and I maybe even have PTSD I don't know.  I know I probably need to get help, but I don't know how to ask and I don't know where to turn.  I am trying to deal with it on my own.  I have been talking to a friend a lot this week and he has given lots of great advice.  He told me that God has already forgiven me for all my past mistakes and that God doesn't think it's my fault for what happened to Asher.  So it is time I try and forgive myself.  I am trying I really am, but it's hard.  Asher was in my body when he died so that makes me feel responsible.  I am trying to live life as Asher would want me to.  I know he would want me to be happy again.  And maybe I will be happy again, I don't know.  But right now I am not.  I guess it is ok to not be ok.