Memorial Day

Memorial day wasn't an easy one for me.  We went to put flowers on Asher's grave on Saturday.  I was over come with emotion when I seen how many people put flowers on his grave.  It was amazing to see how many people love him so much and who love our family so much.  I mean I go see him everyday, but it was special to see how decorated it was.  We went to a family party on Sunday and it was hard.  It is always so hard for me to put on the happy face and act like everything is ok when I'm dying inside.  No one really gets it.  It is exhausting to put up that face.  And don't tell me God will provide what we need.  Maybe he will but he took my child from me.  All I want is to be pregnant and to focus on growing a healthy baby that I can bring home this time.  It's not easy believe me.  And I hate talking about making plans for things in the future.

Talk about a future vacation brings anxiety to me.  I hope that by that time I will have a newborn in my arms.  I don't want to make a commitment or get my hopes up.  I don't want to go far from home.  I want to be close to Asher.  I know I carry him every where in my heart, but for some reason I feel physically close to him at the cemetery and at my house.  I still hate leaving the house.  I would rather just stay home with Olivia.  It is so hard for me to see pregnant people or babies.  I try to avoid those situations.

Today we are taking Olivia's 3 year pictures and some family pictures.  I would rather not do the family pictures, but I know it will be important to Olivia some day.  It is just hard to do when Asher is supposed to be in those pictures too.  We are going to incorporate some pictures of him in the family pictures, so I hope they turn out good.  I just don't want anyone to forget him. I know I never will, but he is part of my family and he always will be.  There is a huge hole in my heart, and I don't know if it will ever be filled again.  Like I have said many times before a part of me died when I found out Asher died.  I will never be the same person and if you don't like the new person I have become then so be it.  I can't help it.  Nothing has the same meaning it once did and it probably won't.  Some problems just don't see worth worrying about any more.  So until you know and feel my pain please don't judge me.  I am doing the best I can.