Bereaved Mother's Day

I guess today is Bereaved Mother's Day.  It is my first one.  I know I have Olivia and get to celebrate the real day too, but this is the one I get to remember my Asher.  I still cry everyday and think about him all the time.  I just can't get over his death.  I read an article on how we can sometimes dwell on our loss.  I don't care if I am dwelling I love my son and I will never get over it.  I don't want to get over it.  I loved him so much and I ddin't even get the chance to know him.  I wish the pain wasn't so great, but I don't know how to make it better.  Everyday I am reminded about my loss.  Whether it is the baby I see at work or the pregnant person at the store.  It is always a slap in the face and no way to get rid of it. 

I want to be pregnant so bad.  And as Chris pointed out, it won't be Asher and it won't be a baby forever.  And I know that I wanted to scream at him.  But at least it would be something in my arms that still ache.  It would be that little cry and something to take care ot.  I want to be pregnant so I have a reason to take care of my body because right now I really don't care.  I want to be pregnant so I have something else to think about.  Right now my mind is consumed with losing Asher.  I relive that day over and over and over.  I just need something else to focus on.  Every month when I get my period again it is like he dies all over again.  I hate my body and don't know if I will ever like it again.

I am trying to learn to live with things as they are, but it is so hard.  I prepared nine months for Asher and it all seems like it was for nothing.  I am trying to focus my days on preparing for Olivia's third birthday party.  That is hard for me too though.  Asher was supposed to be here.  Olivia was supposed to have a brother here are earth, but she doesn't.  And if I don't get pregnant soon she is going to be four before the next one is ever born.  I didn't want my kids spaced that far apart.  That wasn't part of my life plan.  But I guess God had others plans for me.  And I don't like them.

I still find it hard to pray to him since he doesn't seem to answer them anyway.  I do thank him for what I have.  I figured he already knows what I want anyway.

We put our house up for sale again and I hope it sells soon.  There are too many bad memories in this house.  I need a fresh start.  We all need a fresh start.

Please God answer my praryers!