Anniversary

Thursday Chris and I will have been married four years.  I don't know if it seems like a long time or not.  I remember a good portion of our wedding day.  It was a good day and I was so happy.  We really don't celebrate much for our anniversary.  I have been pregnant two out of the four years so far.  I really wish I was pregnant again this year, or I wish Asher were here with us.

Sometimes I wonder if Chris would have known what was going to happen in our life together if he would have still choosen to marry me.  I mean when we got married who would of thought that a few years down the road we would have to bury a son we never got to meet.  We have talked about this and he says he still would have married me.  But it is hard for me to think that through.  I mean sometimes I feel I have caused him all this pain and grief.  I know it isn't my fault Asher died, but he was in my body. 

Asher death has definely brought us closer together.  If we didn't have Olivia though I don't know where we would be.  We are still despertaly trying to get pregnant again.  Maybe it will happen on our anniversary.  I just hope next year when it comes time to celebrate our five year that we can do it with a baby in our arms once again.

I haven't been easy to live with since Asher died.  The littlest things can bring me to tears.  I get frustrated and angry pretty easy.  I try to keep it in check, but sometimes it just needs to come out.  I try to be a good wife and mother.  I just hope I am enough for them.  I know someday this cloud of saddness and despair will lift a little bit and I'm not sure who I will be once it does, but I know that I will always try to be the best wife and mother that I can be.  I know that is what Asher would want me to do.