Memories

Yesterday I sat and read an article in People Magazine about the families who lost there children in the Newtown school shooting and it really brought a wave of grieving back to me.  I know what these familes are going through.  They miss their children terribly.  They feel like life can't possibly go on.  That is how I feel everyday too.  There is a difference between those who have lost children a few years down the road and to what I am experiencing though.  I am not saying one is easier than the other because I am sure it is not.  It is just different.  Just like everyone grieves different and feels different.

These people have memories to look back on.  They have good memories of first smiles, first days of school, and all that in between.  I don't have many memories of Asher, and that ones that I do are not good.  I try and not think about them, but it is impossible.

My memories are of hearing his heartbeat for the last time.  Watching the nurse try to find his heartbeat while I was in labor.  The memory of the doctor telling me this baby is not alive.  The memory of going through labor never to hear my baby cry when he came out.  The memory of leaving him at the hospital and going home without him.  The physical ache in my arms that was supposed to be holding that sweet baby.  The milk that came in and there was no baby for me to feed.  The memory of his funeral and all the crying people who were here for us that day.  The memory of him lying in his casket to be put into the ground.  Those are my memories and nothing will ever change them.

I hope someday that I can hold a healthy live baby in my arms again and maybe some of those memories won't be so pronounced in my mind.  But I think about them every day and there is no escaping them.

I just prary soon my heart won't feel like it is in a million pieces.