This is the time of year I normally love. It's college basketball's March Maddness tournament. But this year it just isn't something I look forward to. Sure I am watching the games, but it just doesn't have the appeal as it normally would for me. Since I lost Asher nothing really matters any more. The things I once loved simply don't mean anything. I still do something things like read because there isn't anything else to do with my time. I just think about when I was pregnant ordering the UNC onesie's for Asher that I knew would be fitting him right now in anticipation for March Maddness and now they sit downstairs in a box. I don't know if anyone will ever wear them. It just makes me so sad. We are trying to have another baby, but it seems like every month it's another let down. My body is failing us and I'm letting my family down all over again.
I know I'm stressed and I don't know how to take it away. My left eye has been twitching for a couple months now and I don't know why. I guess it could be the stress. All I really want to do is stay in bed. If I can't stay in bed I just want to stay home all day everyday. It takes everything I have to leave the house in the morning to go to work. I some how put on a happy face when I take Olivia to daycare. I know she is in good hands there but it makes me so sad to leave her and miss all that time with her. I just worry something bad will happen to her. I just pray to be blessed with another baby, so she will have someone to grow up with.
I went shopping with my mom today which I love to do. I bought Olivia her Easter dress. Shopping for little clothes always makes me sad. I so want to be buying little boy clothes for Asher. I want to buy baby clothes so bad. I just feel if I do I will some how curse myself. I know as soon as I get pregnant again I am going to want to buy something for the baby growing inside of me, but how can I? I am ruined into that blissful happiness of being pregnant. We had so much stuff bought for Asher that is not sitting downstairs in a box.
Everytime I go some where or do something I always think back to last year or to before I lost Asher. I was at Wesleyan with my mom a few weeks ago and all I could think about was when I was pregnant with Asher and went for an interview at the Library there. Then there is some resruarant that my mom and I ate at the day I heard Asher's heart beat for the last time. Then today my mom had to go to Saint Elizabeth hospital to pick up something, and I couldn't even step foot in that place. I lost Asher there and then the last time I was there I had to have a D & C when I had my miscarriage. Everytime I take a shower in my house I think of the day I went into labor. Everytime I am in the bathroom at work I also think of that day. I guess those things will always haunt me.
I am still so sad and I don't know how to make things better. I have cried everyday sime I lost Asher. Olivia says she is worried about me and I hate that she is so young and has to worry about her mommy. I know she deserves a happy mommy and I show her all the love in the world but losing Asher had such a huge impact on my life. They say time will heal this, but I don't believe it for a second. I will NEVER get over this, it has changed who I am to the core. I just hope people can understand and be patient with me as I grieve and try to figure out who I am and where I am going. I am doing my best and that's all I can do right now. That may mean I need some time alone, I may need to cry at work or just sit in the quiet. Just know I am doing the best I can. I am not sure how I am supposed to act. I just feel what I feel and I can't change that. I just pray we will be blessed with a baby soon so I have something to shift my focus and give me some hope again. But my baby Asher will always be in my heart and thoughts. There really isn't a second that goes by that I don't think of him. And maybe I am a bit crazy, but I talk to him everyday too. And touch and kiss his picture before bed every night. He will forever and always be my sweet little angel.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
Saddness in the Nighttime
Things have not been that great for me this week. I have to wait another month to get what I so long for. I am missing Asher like crazy. The worst time for me is at night at bed time. I lay Olivia down to sleep and just imagine that I will never get to put Asher to bed. Night time is supposed to be filled with more than just putting Olivia to bed or giving her a bath, I am supposed to be doing those things with Asher too. Maybe it is the dark or the quiet of the night. I also know that with another night time is another day since I have lost Asher and will never get him back. It's another day gone and another day since I last seen his sweet face.
Last night Olivia looked up at me and told me she loved me and I love to hear those words, but then I think I will never get to hear Asher says those words to me. I will never get to hear him cry or see him smile. I will never get to see him crawl or take those first steps. At least not here on Earth. I don't know what Heaven is like or what he is doing there. It is just so hard for me to think about that in the midst of all my grief.
Grieving and being so sad is hard work. It makes me tired and sometimes even physically ill. Last night was particularly bad for me. I'm not sure why. I was crying a lot and Chris and Olivia came in to comfort me. I don't know what I would do without them. They are the reason I get up in the morning even though I would rather not. They will keep me going too.
It's just so hard to miss something you looked forward to for nine long months. Asher was days away from being born and in my arms. I just think back to when I told my doctor I wanted to have him the week before when I was feeling pain. I just wish I could have had them that day. Just to know he was alright a couple days before I went into labor is just too much for me to think about most time, but it is the only thing I can think about. I just want to hold him in my arms again. I want to be able to watch him grow and I feel like that was all taken away from me. Sometimes I feel like it is a bad dream I am waiting to wake up from. The sad part is, is that it's been over seven months and I haven't woken up yet.
I just want a baby in my arms. I know that is hard for some people to hear because I should be happy with what I have. I love my daughter very much, but I just want another baby. I know it won't solve everything, but part of me thinks it will help. I know I am putting too much pressure on myself and I am way to stressed out about things, but I don't know how to be/feel anything different. I am who I am. It is hard for me to talk about my feelings. It is easier for me to write about them. That is why I write this blog. I am not trying to worry anyone, but this is how I feel and I am going to write what I feel knowing that people read this.
I know others have been through losses and I don't wish my pain on anyone, but I still feel like no one really knows what this is all like. They are not in the middle of it like I am. It sucks and I want it to end but I only feel what I feel and right now happiness is not even close to what I am feeling. Will medicine help me? I don't know. Part of me does not want to mask what I am feeling. I know it is not good to try and hide your grief, and that I must work through all my thoughts and feelings. It just seems like if I make a little progress something else happens to send me tumbling backwards.
So anyway it's another month that I am not pregnant. And I only have one more chance to get a baby in my arms by the end of this year. Let's hope it all works out.
Last night Olivia looked up at me and told me she loved me and I love to hear those words, but then I think I will never get to hear Asher says those words to me. I will never get to hear him cry or see him smile. I will never get to see him crawl or take those first steps. At least not here on Earth. I don't know what Heaven is like or what he is doing there. It is just so hard for me to think about that in the midst of all my grief.
Grieving and being so sad is hard work. It makes me tired and sometimes even physically ill. Last night was particularly bad for me. I'm not sure why. I was crying a lot and Chris and Olivia came in to comfort me. I don't know what I would do without them. They are the reason I get up in the morning even though I would rather not. They will keep me going too.
It's just so hard to miss something you looked forward to for nine long months. Asher was days away from being born and in my arms. I just think back to when I told my doctor I wanted to have him the week before when I was feeling pain. I just wish I could have had them that day. Just to know he was alright a couple days before I went into labor is just too much for me to think about most time, but it is the only thing I can think about. I just want to hold him in my arms again. I want to be able to watch him grow and I feel like that was all taken away from me. Sometimes I feel like it is a bad dream I am waiting to wake up from. The sad part is, is that it's been over seven months and I haven't woken up yet.
I just want a baby in my arms. I know that is hard for some people to hear because I should be happy with what I have. I love my daughter very much, but I just want another baby. I know it won't solve everything, but part of me thinks it will help. I know I am putting too much pressure on myself and I am way to stressed out about things, but I don't know how to be/feel anything different. I am who I am. It is hard for me to talk about my feelings. It is easier for me to write about them. That is why I write this blog. I am not trying to worry anyone, but this is how I feel and I am going to write what I feel knowing that people read this.
I know others have been through losses and I don't wish my pain on anyone, but I still feel like no one really knows what this is all like. They are not in the middle of it like I am. It sucks and I want it to end but I only feel what I feel and right now happiness is not even close to what I am feeling. Will medicine help me? I don't know. Part of me does not want to mask what I am feeling. I know it is not good to try and hide your grief, and that I must work through all my thoughts and feelings. It just seems like if I make a little progress something else happens to send me tumbling backwards.
So anyway it's another month that I am not pregnant. And I only have one more chance to get a baby in my arms by the end of this year. Let's hope it all works out.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
It's been another week, another week since we lost Asher. It is still not any easier for me and something that happened on Friday that kind of makes me feel like I started the grieving process all over again. Asher's stone was put into place at the cemetery. Chris and I went to visit him after we dropped of Olivia at daycare on Friday and was shocked to see that his stone was there. We had no clue that it was going to be there. I broke down. I don't know why, but it kind of finalized things for me, but not in a good way. I mean I know he is not coming back, but now there is something permanent there. The headstone turned out beautiful. It was everything we picked out. Not that I remember much about the day we picked it out. Just like I don't remember much about his funeral. I remember planning his funereal and just sitting there with no clue what to do. We were asked what music did we want sang, what bible versus did we want read? I had no clue. I was still in shock and I wasn't supposed to be doing this. I was supposed to be bringing my baby home from the hospital, not planning his funeral.
I remember at the time being asked if I wanted to funereal video taped. We said no, we thought it would be too hard to have that video in our hands. But looking back I wish it would have been taped. Not that I would ever watch it, but maybe I would many years later. I don't remember anything of that day really. Just the pain and crying for my baby. I know that Olivia probably doesn't remember any of it either, and I would like to have the video for her to see some day if she wants to. I wish Olivia got to hold her brother too. I will never ever get past that regret I don't think. There are also many more things that I regret. I guess I am going to have to learn to live with them, because they are not things I can change now.
We took Olivia to see Asher's stone and she like it. And then she looked at us and said, "Asher is just so cute." And he was. In the picture you will see a little baby laying in angel wings and part of me things Olivia thinks that is Asher. Because every time we go to see him, she gives that baby in the angel wings a kiss and tells him she loves him. It really melts a mommy's heart. I just wish they could have grown up together. I just hope that someday Olivia can grow up with a sibling.
We talk to Olivia alot about Asher and we will continue to do so. I want her to know that we are a special family because we have an angel in our family who is in heaven. When she recites the people in her family she always says Asher too, and that is the way it should be. I don't ever want her to feel about that we lost Asher or be ashamed of him. Maybe some parents or people would think we need to hide this horrible event from their children, but I think she needs to know. I knew all my life as far back as I can remember that I had a twin sister who died too. It is important to me that she knows who Asher was and is. That way he will never be forgotten.
I remember at the time being asked if I wanted to funereal video taped. We said no, we thought it would be too hard to have that video in our hands. But looking back I wish it would have been taped. Not that I would ever watch it, but maybe I would many years later. I don't remember anything of that day really. Just the pain and crying for my baby. I know that Olivia probably doesn't remember any of it either, and I would like to have the video for her to see some day if she wants to. I wish Olivia got to hold her brother too. I will never ever get past that regret I don't think. There are also many more things that I regret. I guess I am going to have to learn to live with them, because they are not things I can change now.
We took Olivia to see Asher's stone and she like it. And then she looked at us and said, "Asher is just so cute." And he was. In the picture you will see a little baby laying in angel wings and part of me things Olivia thinks that is Asher. Because every time we go to see him, she gives that baby in the angel wings a kiss and tells him she loves him. It really melts a mommy's heart. I just wish they could have grown up together. I just hope that someday Olivia can grow up with a sibling.
We talk to Olivia alot about Asher and we will continue to do so. I want her to know that we are a special family because we have an angel in our family who is in heaven. When she recites the people in her family she always says Asher too, and that is the way it should be. I don't ever want her to feel about that we lost Asher or be ashamed of him. Maybe some parents or people would think we need to hide this horrible event from their children, but I think she needs to know. I knew all my life as far back as I can remember that I had a twin sister who died too. It is important to me that she knows who Asher was and is. That way he will never be forgotten.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Seven Months
Today Asher would have been seven months old. I just don't know what to do with myself. I have started a Bible study that is for those greiving their babies. And the first lesson was to tell your story. I know I have already told my story at the beginning, but it also suggested to tell the cause of death and stuff like that. Well for me I don't know that answer. Maybe that is why this is so very hard. They think Asher had a blood clot in his umbilical cord, but we will never know and that is so hard for me. I want to fix the problem, but I just can't. Why didn't I know something was wrong with my baby? Why didn't I know he was in trouble then I could of FIXED it. They say this won't happen again, but how do they know. How can I trust my body again? I know I say that a lot but I just don't know how.
It is trying to get pregnant week at our house. And that always comes with many emotions. I know it's my body that is keeping it from happening. I got pregnant after Asher but then miscarried and I simply can't go through that again. Why did my body and my God let that happen to me again?
So after this week of trying it is wait and see. I am not a patient person at all so it will feel like years even though it will be a couple of weeks. I just miss my Asher so much. I miss the feel of his body in my arms after he was born. And then I had to leave him. I wasn't supposed to have to leave him there. I go visit him almost everyday and we took him a rose as a family the other day. It was hard. I never knew how hard Valentine's Day would be for me. Probably because it is a holiday that revolves around the heart, and my heart is simply broken. I don't know how to repair it. I will never be the same person that I once was. I find myself having more angry moments and there are many many sad moments. I haven't had any happy moments really. Sure Olivia makes me smile and laugh. But I feel that is all on the outside. I am still dying on the inside. And I know another baby will not solve my problems. But maybe it can be the glue that starts to heal my heart.
I hear all these stories about babies over coming odds on the tv and while I am so glad that another mom doesn't have to go through the pain I am, I just want to scream, "AT LEAST YOUR BABY IS ALIVE, BECAUSE MINE IS DEAD." Maybe it is my attitude, which I am sure it is. But nothing is as it once was. Everything has changed for me. I don't enjoy things like I used to. Work isn't the same, reading isn't as fun. I just get up out of bed and go through the motions of life that is all I can do.
I go to the doctor today to see how my cyst is donig on my ovary. I don't really want to go, I'm not sure if I would be better off not knowing or if I need to know. I hope it is not more bad news. I have beat the odds by getting pregnant three times before I just hope it can happen again and I can bring this baby home with me. I guess I will have to wait and see.
Here are some song lyrics that made me cry this week:
"Broken"
by Lindsey Haun
It is trying to get pregnant week at our house. And that always comes with many emotions. I know it's my body that is keeping it from happening. I got pregnant after Asher but then miscarried and I simply can't go through that again. Why did my body and my God let that happen to me again?
So after this week of trying it is wait and see. I am not a patient person at all so it will feel like years even though it will be a couple of weeks. I just miss my Asher so much. I miss the feel of his body in my arms after he was born. And then I had to leave him. I wasn't supposed to have to leave him there. I go visit him almost everyday and we took him a rose as a family the other day. It was hard. I never knew how hard Valentine's Day would be for me. Probably because it is a holiday that revolves around the heart, and my heart is simply broken. I don't know how to repair it. I will never be the same person that I once was. I find myself having more angry moments and there are many many sad moments. I haven't had any happy moments really. Sure Olivia makes me smile and laugh. But I feel that is all on the outside. I am still dying on the inside. And I know another baby will not solve my problems. But maybe it can be the glue that starts to heal my heart.
I hear all these stories about babies over coming odds on the tv and while I am so glad that another mom doesn't have to go through the pain I am, I just want to scream, "AT LEAST YOUR BABY IS ALIVE, BECAUSE MINE IS DEAD." Maybe it is my attitude, which I am sure it is. But nothing is as it once was. Everything has changed for me. I don't enjoy things like I used to. Work isn't the same, reading isn't as fun. I just get up out of bed and go through the motions of life that is all I can do.
I go to the doctor today to see how my cyst is donig on my ovary. I don't really want to go, I'm not sure if I would be better off not knowing or if I need to know. I hope it is not more bad news. I have beat the odds by getting pregnant three times before I just hope it can happen again and I can bring this baby home with me. I guess I will have to wait and see.
Here are some song lyrics that made me cry this week:
"Broken"
by Lindsey Haun
Wake up to a Sunny Day
Not a cloud up in the sky
And then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around
So open and exposed
But I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my troubles
When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hittin' walls and gettin' scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking
Yeah
When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find it's place
When you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Oh When you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken
Not a cloud up in the sky
And then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around
So open and exposed
But I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my troubles
When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hittin' walls and gettin' scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking
Yeah
When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find it's place
When you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Oh When you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken
This song seems fitting because that is exactly how I feel is broken in a million little pieces. And every tear that falls down is for a reason, and that reason is Asher. There hasn't been a day go by since July 20th that I haven't shed tears. Will I ever feel whole again?
Friday, February 8, 2013
Months, Weeks, Days, Hours, Minutes
It has been a very bad and trying week for me. I don't know what it is, ok maybe I do, but I have been super emotional. Probably because I know about six people who have had babies in the last few weeks. Now don't get me wrong I am happy for them, happy they don't have to feel the pain I do, but at the same time I am super jealous. I am jealous that they got to hear there babies cry and they got to see them with there eyes open. I am sad that I didn't even get to bring my baby home. I had to leave my sweet Asher at the hospital. I have been thinking a lot about the night I left the hospital.
Chris went to get the car and the nurse asked me if I wanted to see Asher one last time. And I did, it was so hard to leave him there. He was supposed to be coming home with me. Even now it hurts me to my core to remember that. I hate that my family only got to hold by baby once. And I also hate that I may never be able to tell my grandpa happy birthday again. Asher was born into heaven on his birthday. I still remember telling Chris that I felt so bad that I couldn't even tell my grandpa happy birthday. I hope he will understand that I might be able to tell him the day before, but I don't know if I will be able to tell him on the day.
I am really struggling with the whys again this week too. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Am I being punished for something? There just are no answers and maybe that is the hardest part of all this. How do I know that this isn't going to happen again if I get pregnant? I had Asher born into heaven and then I had a miscarriage. I just don't know what it will do to me if I lose another baby.
I am almost at my breaking point the way it is. I want to scream. I am going through my angry stage again. There is just a lot of things that are really making me upset. Whether it be at home or work, I just feel like I can't catch a break. The everyday tasks are exhausting for me. Grief and depression is very exhausting. I go to bed every night early and end up crying myself to sleep. Night time is just a very lonely time for me. I just want my baby back so bad.
We are trying again to get pregnant. It is a very scary time for me and Chris. We struggle with wanting another baby so bad to being so scared this is going to happen again. If we lose another baby I don't know what it will do to us. I will break I know I will. I am so close now. I know it is not the way to think but I sometimes wonder if I would be better off with Asher. But I know I can never leave Olivia.
I hate leaving the house. I have never been an out going person to start with. But if I never had to leave my house again I would be fine. It is a safe place for me. I don't have to put on my "act" there. I don't have to act like I care. All I have to do is take care of my family. I love being home with Olivia and I could stay home with her forever. I don't like dealing with the outside world it's just too painful. I love my friends and family dearly for being there for me through all this. And I know my true friends and family will remain by myside no matter what I say and no matter how sad I get. I just hope we can have a happy time to celebrate this year.
But so far I just count the months, weeks, days, hours, and minutes since I lost Asher. And count the months, weeks, days, hours, and minutes that I am not pregnant with another precious baby. I remember praying for Asher to be healthy when I was pregnant with him. Now I find myself praying that my next baby is healthy, alive, and I get to bring him home this time. I feel like my prayers have to be so literal now. Asher was perfect in every way. Why God did he have to die?
Chris went to get the car and the nurse asked me if I wanted to see Asher one last time. And I did, it was so hard to leave him there. He was supposed to be coming home with me. Even now it hurts me to my core to remember that. I hate that my family only got to hold by baby once. And I also hate that I may never be able to tell my grandpa happy birthday again. Asher was born into heaven on his birthday. I still remember telling Chris that I felt so bad that I couldn't even tell my grandpa happy birthday. I hope he will understand that I might be able to tell him the day before, but I don't know if I will be able to tell him on the day.
I am really struggling with the whys again this week too. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Am I being punished for something? There just are no answers and maybe that is the hardest part of all this. How do I know that this isn't going to happen again if I get pregnant? I had Asher born into heaven and then I had a miscarriage. I just don't know what it will do to me if I lose another baby.
I am almost at my breaking point the way it is. I want to scream. I am going through my angry stage again. There is just a lot of things that are really making me upset. Whether it be at home or work, I just feel like I can't catch a break. The everyday tasks are exhausting for me. Grief and depression is very exhausting. I go to bed every night early and end up crying myself to sleep. Night time is just a very lonely time for me. I just want my baby back so bad.
We are trying again to get pregnant. It is a very scary time for me and Chris. We struggle with wanting another baby so bad to being so scared this is going to happen again. If we lose another baby I don't know what it will do to us. I will break I know I will. I am so close now. I know it is not the way to think but I sometimes wonder if I would be better off with Asher. But I know I can never leave Olivia.
I hate leaving the house. I have never been an out going person to start with. But if I never had to leave my house again I would be fine. It is a safe place for me. I don't have to put on my "act" there. I don't have to act like I care. All I have to do is take care of my family. I love being home with Olivia and I could stay home with her forever. I don't like dealing with the outside world it's just too painful. I love my friends and family dearly for being there for me through all this. And I know my true friends and family will remain by myside no matter what I say and no matter how sad I get. I just hope we can have a happy time to celebrate this year.
But so far I just count the months, weeks, days, hours, and minutes since I lost Asher. And count the months, weeks, days, hours, and minutes that I am not pregnant with another precious baby. I remember praying for Asher to be healthy when I was pregnant with him. Now I find myself praying that my next baby is healthy, alive, and I get to bring him home this time. I feel like my prayers have to be so literal now. Asher was perfect in every way. Why God did he have to die?
Friday, February 1, 2013
One Month Down
I haven't written in awhile. I have been trying to sort out my thoughts I guess. We moved Olivia to a big girl bed, which made me really sad. I remember when she slept in her crib for the first time, she looked so small. Now my baby is growing up and it makes me miss Asher even more. I long to hold a tiny little baby again. Olivia is doing pretty good in her big girl bed. She was sick for a few days so I got to stay home with her. I miss staying home. I really don't think I would leave the house much if I didn't have to. At home I don't have to face the world and I don't have to put on this act for people. The "happy" face I have to put on can be really challenging at times, and it is really exhausting. The weather doesn't help either. I hate the cold and I really hate the snow. I haven't even been able to go see Asher all week. It broke my heart to tell Olivia no we can't when she asked to go see Asher yesterday as we left daycare. I hope we can go see him again soon.
There are some days and nights when I really just want to give up. Last night was one of those nights. I don't know why I just didn't want to do things any more. I was a mess and Olivia wouldn't go to bed. She was screaming and crying from her room. And I hate to hear her cry. It has gotten even worse now that Asher has died. I was crying my eyes out and thinking if it was really worth it. Then she came up to me and gave me the biggest hug. So I know I need to keep going for her. It's hard though. I feel like a horrible mom a lot of the time. I feel bad when I have to make her cry it out in her bed. I feel like a horrible mom who didn't even know her baby was in trouble inside of her and he died. I hate that is happened and I would do anything and everything to change it, I just don't know how. I want to trust my body again, but I don't know how. Will I ever feel different I don't know yet.
I try to talk about Asher with others, but they just don't seem to care. Yes it makes me sad to talk about him, but it is also good for me. That way I know he is not forgotten, because I will never forget him. He is in my thoughts constantly. I had someone the other day told me she likes reading my blog and it really helped to know that someone takes the time out of there day to look at my thoughts and feelings and be there with me. It really is hard. I never have liked myself, but now it is so much worse. I hope I will not pass this on to Olivia. I want to teach her how to love herself. She makes me laugh everynight and I love when she tells me she loves me all day. She really is what keeps me going.
I went back to the doctor this week, and had another ultrasound. My cyst is still there. It hasn't grown any bigger, but my doctor doesn't think it will go away on its own. I have a history of endometriosis and he is pretty sure that it what it is. He is hoping it will not effect my chances of getting pregnant but he isn't sure. So we are going to try again for a few months and see what happens. If we don't get pregnant then I will probably have to have surgery. He is hoping to save my ovary, since it is the only one I have left. So we are praying things will work out and we will get pregnant again soon. So please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I really need something good to happen. I need something to hope for and look forward to again. So far the first month of 2013 has not been the greatest, so here's to hoping it will get better.
There are some days and nights when I really just want to give up. Last night was one of those nights. I don't know why I just didn't want to do things any more. I was a mess and Olivia wouldn't go to bed. She was screaming and crying from her room. And I hate to hear her cry. It has gotten even worse now that Asher has died. I was crying my eyes out and thinking if it was really worth it. Then she came up to me and gave me the biggest hug. So I know I need to keep going for her. It's hard though. I feel like a horrible mom a lot of the time. I feel bad when I have to make her cry it out in her bed. I feel like a horrible mom who didn't even know her baby was in trouble inside of her and he died. I hate that is happened and I would do anything and everything to change it, I just don't know how. I want to trust my body again, but I don't know how. Will I ever feel different I don't know yet.
I try to talk about Asher with others, but they just don't seem to care. Yes it makes me sad to talk about him, but it is also good for me. That way I know he is not forgotten, because I will never forget him. He is in my thoughts constantly. I had someone the other day told me she likes reading my blog and it really helped to know that someone takes the time out of there day to look at my thoughts and feelings and be there with me. It really is hard. I never have liked myself, but now it is so much worse. I hope I will not pass this on to Olivia. I want to teach her how to love herself. She makes me laugh everynight and I love when she tells me she loves me all day. She really is what keeps me going.
I went back to the doctor this week, and had another ultrasound. My cyst is still there. It hasn't grown any bigger, but my doctor doesn't think it will go away on its own. I have a history of endometriosis and he is pretty sure that it what it is. He is hoping it will not effect my chances of getting pregnant but he isn't sure. So we are going to try again for a few months and see what happens. If we don't get pregnant then I will probably have to have surgery. He is hoping to save my ovary, since it is the only one I have left. So we are praying things will work out and we will get pregnant again soon. So please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I really need something good to happen. I need something to hope for and look forward to again. So far the first month of 2013 has not been the greatest, so here's to hoping it will get better.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Conversation with an Angel
So today Olivia shook me to my core. And left me with more questions than answers. Can an angel really communicate with us? Does the innocence of a child cause them to see things we can't? Does my 2 year really understand what happened? Does Olivia know how profound she is for her age? Does she realize that what she said to me this morning might just change everything for me? Now I believe in angels and I would consider myself faithful. Since Asher's death I have been reading about heaven and trying to deicde what it would be like for Asher up there. Now we talk to Olivia about Asher quite a bit. We just tell her Asher is with Jesus in heaven and that he is an angel. But I don't remember talking to her about him yesterday.
Yesterday was like any other day for Olivia, nothing unusual happened to her that I know of. She slept all night last night, didn't hear a peep out of her until 5:45. Now that is unlike her because I usually have to get up and cover her up when she wakes up in the night. So I don't know if she slept really soundly or what. But this morning she was in a great mood. I got her dressed and she was watching cartoons in the chair. I had just got done washing my face and stuff in the bathroom and I was starting to get dressed.
Olivia comes running into the bedroom. "Mommy" she said, "I miss Asher." (Now I do tell her I miss Asher a lot when she can see that I am sad.) And I bent down and I said, "Mommy misses Asher too." Then hugging me super tight she said, "Mommy the angel Asher said to be brave." And then she let go of me and ran off to the living room. Now I was rocked to the core, still am. I just stood there and cried. Had Asher really talked to Olivia? Did she really see him? About ten minutes later I was putting on her shoes and I wanted to know more. I simply asked, "Olivia did you talk to Asher." And she said, "ya and I gave him a kiss." And that was it. I really hope she got to meet her brother. That is one of the biggest regrets I have, not letting Olivia hold her brother. I just didn't know how much she could take. She seen him at the funeral and she has pictures of him in her room.
How much does a two year old really know? Does she know more than I think she does? Every night when I pray and talk to Asher I simply ask him to give me some sort of sign that he is thinking of me. Maybe this was it. I don't know but I am going to hold on to this. And I think Olivia, Chris, and I should follow Asher's words to be brave.
Yesterday was like any other day for Olivia, nothing unusual happened to her that I know of. She slept all night last night, didn't hear a peep out of her until 5:45. Now that is unlike her because I usually have to get up and cover her up when she wakes up in the night. So I don't know if she slept really soundly or what. But this morning she was in a great mood. I got her dressed and she was watching cartoons in the chair. I had just got done washing my face and stuff in the bathroom and I was starting to get dressed.
Olivia comes running into the bedroom. "Mommy" she said, "I miss Asher." (Now I do tell her I miss Asher a lot when she can see that I am sad.) And I bent down and I said, "Mommy misses Asher too." Then hugging me super tight she said, "Mommy the angel Asher said to be brave." And then she let go of me and ran off to the living room. Now I was rocked to the core, still am. I just stood there and cried. Had Asher really talked to Olivia? Did she really see him? About ten minutes later I was putting on her shoes and I wanted to know more. I simply asked, "Olivia did you talk to Asher." And she said, "ya and I gave him a kiss." And that was it. I really hope she got to meet her brother. That is one of the biggest regrets I have, not letting Olivia hold her brother. I just didn't know how much she could take. She seen him at the funeral and she has pictures of him in her room.
How much does a two year old really know? Does she know more than I think she does? Every night when I pray and talk to Asher I simply ask him to give me some sort of sign that he is thinking of me. Maybe this was it. I don't know but I am going to hold on to this. And I think Olivia, Chris, and I should follow Asher's words to be brave.
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