It's been another week, another week since we lost Asher.  It is still not any easier for me and something that happened on Friday that kind of makes me feel like I started the grieving process all over again.  Asher's stone was put into place at the cemetery.  Chris and I went to visit him after we dropped of Olivia at daycare on Friday and was shocked to see that his stone was there.  We had no clue that it was going to be there.  I broke down.  I don't know why, but it kind of finalized things for me, but not in a good way.  I mean I know he is not coming back, but now there is something permanent there.  The headstone turned out beautiful.  It was everything we picked out.  Not that I remember much about the day we picked it out.  Just like I don't remember much about his funeral.  I remember planning his funereal and just sitting there with no clue what to do.  We were asked what music did we want sang, what bible versus did we want read?  I had no clue.  I was still in shock and I wasn't supposed to be doing this.  I was supposed to be bringing my baby home from the hospital, not planning his funeral.

I remember at the time being asked if I wanted to funereal video taped.  We said no, we thought it would be too hard to have that video in our hands.  But looking back I wish it would have been taped.  Not that I would ever watch it, but maybe I would many years later.  I don't remember anything of that day really.  Just the pain and crying for my baby.  I know that Olivia probably doesn't remember any of it either, and I would like to have the video for her to see some day if she wants to.  I wish Olivia got to hold her brother too.  I will never ever get past that regret I don't think.  There are also many more things that I regret.  I guess I am going to have to learn to live with them, because they are not things I can change now.

We took Olivia to see Asher's stone and she like it.  And then she looked at us and said, "Asher is just so cute."  And he was.  In the picture you will see a little baby laying in angel wings and part of me things Olivia thinks that is Asher.  Because every time we go to see him, she gives that baby in the angel wings a kiss and tells him she loves him.  It really melts a mommy's heart.  I just wish they could have grown up together.  I just hope that someday Olivia can grow up with a sibling.

We talk to Olivia alot about Asher and we will continue to do so.  I want her to know that we are a special family because we have an angel in our family who is in heaven.  When she recites the people in her family she always says Asher too, and that is the way it should be.  I don't ever want her to feel about that we lost Asher or be ashamed of him.  Maybe some parents or people would think we need to hide this horrible event from their children, but I think she needs to know.  I knew all my life as far back as I can remember that I had a twin sister who died too.  It is important to me that she knows who Asher was and is.  That way he will never be forgotten.