God's Plan

I am trying to find words to type today.  I just watched a sweet video of memories of a sweet child who was also taken from her family too soon.  She passed away one year ago today and her family is in my thoughts and prayers today.  I don't know how they survived a year I really don't.  I am close to staring that year down.  But I don't want it to be a year.  I just want my baby back.  I don't want to have to think that it has been 365 days since I held him.  I don't want to think about if I want to see him I go visit his grave.  I think about him so much.  And the pain is still so great.  I read about people who are counting down to baby on Facebook and I just think that how much can change in those short days.  I was four days away from going to the hospital to be induced.  FOUR days was all it took to having so much more happiness.  Instead I got two days and a whole bunch of heartache.  I know others have pains and heartache, but most times it feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one else "gets" it.  I do my best and that is all I can give right now.  They say time heals but I think time is the enemy.

Chris and I have been talking a lot lately about God's Plan for us.  We have no clue what it is.  I just wish for a glimpse of what he is thinking about.  Will I have another baby maybe more?  Tell me when that will happen God because right now I just have so much pain.  I just want to know everything is going to be alright.  I am sure if Asher were here, there would be other things that are troubling me, but nothing really matters any more.  I don't care if my house isn't clean or what people think of me.  I just want to be holding a baby in my arms.  This has changed me greatly.  And if that has changed your opinion of me then fine.  I am thankful for those who ask me how I am doing.  It always makes me cry when I think about those who ask.  I wouldn't say they are the ones who I would least expect it from, but it is always a surprise.  It may make me cry but I really do appreciate those who care.  I am thankful for all the prayers.

We are staring another holiday in the face.  Easter won't be easy.  I still have trouble going to church so I am sure Easter church will be no different.  I try to put on a happy face for Olivia.  I want her to have the best Easter she can possibly have.  I will go to the family thing, but it's really hard for me to talk to people and pretend like I am enjoying myself when I'm hurting so much inside.  This was supposed to be Asher's first Easter and he would probably be crawling to find those eggs.  I am sure Olivia would be helping him find them.  Instead I had to give him Easter eggs at his grave.