Things have not been that great for me this week. I have to wait another month to get what I so long for. I am missing Asher like crazy. The worst time for me is at night at bed time. I lay Olivia down to sleep and just imagine that I will never get to put Asher to bed. Night time is supposed to be filled with more than just putting Olivia to bed or giving her a bath, I am supposed to be doing those things with Asher too. Maybe it is the dark or the quiet of the night. I also know that with another night time is another day since I have lost Asher and will never get him back. It's another day gone and another day since I last seen his sweet face.
Last night Olivia looked up at me and told me she loved me and I love to hear those words, but then I think I will never get to hear Asher says those words to me. I will never get to hear him cry or see him smile. I will never get to see him crawl or take those first steps. At least not here on Earth. I don't know what Heaven is like or what he is doing there. It is just so hard for me to think about that in the midst of all my grief.
Grieving and being so sad is hard work. It makes me tired and sometimes even physically ill. Last night was particularly bad for me. I'm not sure why. I was crying a lot and Chris and Olivia came in to comfort me. I don't know what I would do without them. They are the reason I get up in the morning even though I would rather not. They will keep me going too.
It's just so hard to miss something you looked forward to for nine long months. Asher was days away from being born and in my arms. I just think back to when I told my doctor I wanted to have him the week before when I was feeling pain. I just wish I could have had them that day. Just to know he was alright a couple days before I went into labor is just too much for me to think about most time, but it is the only thing I can think about. I just want to hold him in my arms again. I want to be able to watch him grow and I feel like that was all taken away from me. Sometimes I feel like it is a bad dream I am waiting to wake up from. The sad part is, is that it's been over seven months and I haven't woken up yet.
I just want a baby in my arms. I know that is hard for some people to hear because I should be happy with what I have. I love my daughter very much, but I just want another baby. I know it won't solve everything, but part of me thinks it will help. I know I am putting too much pressure on myself and I am way to stressed out about things, but I don't know how to be/feel anything different. I am who I am. It is hard for me to talk about my feelings. It is easier for me to write about them. That is why I write this blog. I am not trying to worry anyone, but this is how I feel and I am going to write what I feel knowing that people read this.
I know others have been through losses and I don't wish my pain on anyone, but I still feel like no one really knows what this is all like. They are not in the middle of it like I am. It sucks and I want it to end but I only feel what I feel and right now happiness is not even close to what I am feeling. Will medicine help me? I don't know. Part of me does not want to mask what I am feeling. I know it is not good to try and hide your grief, and that I must work through all my thoughts and feelings. It just seems like if I make a little progress something else happens to send me tumbling backwards.
So anyway it's another month that I am not pregnant. And I only have one more chance to get a baby in my arms by the end of this year. Let's hope it all works out.
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