March Maddness

This is the time of year I normally love.  It's college basketball's March Maddness tournament.  But this year it just isn't something I look forward to.  Sure I am watching the games, but it just doesn't have the appeal as it normally would for me.  Since I lost Asher nothing really matters any more.  The things I once loved simply don't mean anything.  I still do something things like read because there isn't anything else to do with my time.  I just think about when I was pregnant ordering the UNC onesie's for Asher that I knew would be fitting him right now in anticipation for March Maddness and now they sit downstairs in a box.  I don't know if anyone will ever wear them.  It just makes me so sad.  We are trying to have another baby, but it seems like every month it's another let down.  My body is failing us and I'm letting my family down all over again.

I know I'm stressed and I don't know how to take it away.  My left eye has been twitching for a couple months now and I don't know why.  I guess it could be the stress.  All I really want to do is stay in bed.  If I can't stay in bed I just want to stay home all day everyday.  It takes everything I have to leave the house in the morning to go to work.  I some how put on a happy face when I take Olivia to daycare.  I know she is in good hands there but it makes me so sad to leave her and miss all that time with her.  I just worry something bad will happen to her.  I just pray to be blessed with another baby, so she will have someone to grow up with.

I went shopping with my mom today which I love to do.  I bought Olivia her Easter dress.  Shopping for little clothes always makes me sad.  I so want to be buying little boy clothes for Asher.  I want to buy baby clothes so bad.  I just feel if I do I will some how curse myself.  I know as soon as I get pregnant again I am going to want to buy something for the baby growing inside of me, but how can I?  I am ruined into that blissful happiness of being pregnant.  We had so much stuff bought for Asher that is not sitting downstairs in a box. 

Everytime I go some where or do something I always think back to last year or to before I lost Asher.  I was at Wesleyan with my mom a few weeks ago and all I could think about was when I was pregnant with Asher and went for an interview at the Library there.  Then there is some resruarant that my mom and I ate at the day I heard Asher's heart beat for the last time.  Then today my mom had to go to Saint Elizabeth hospital to pick up something, and I couldn't even step foot in that place.  I lost Asher there and then the last time I was there I had to have a D & C when I had my miscarriage.  Everytime I take a shower in my house I think of the day I went into labor.  Everytime I am in the bathroom at work I also think of that day.  I guess those things will always haunt me.

I am still so sad and I don't know how to make things better.  I have cried everyday sime I lost Asher.  Olivia says she is worried about me and I hate that she is so young and has to worry about her mommy.  I know she deserves a happy mommy and I show her all the love in the world but losing Asher had such a huge impact on my life.  They say time will heal this, but I don't believe it for a second.  I will NEVER get over this, it has changed who I am to the core.  I just hope people can understand and be patient with me as I grieve and try to figure out who I am and where I am going.  I am doing my best and that's all I can do right now.  That may mean I need some time alone, I may need to cry at work or just sit in the quiet.  Just know I am doing the best I can.  I am not sure how I am supposed to act.  I just feel what I feel and I can't change that.  I just pray we will be blessed with a baby soon so I have something to shift my focus and give me some hope again.  But my baby Asher will always be in my heart and thoughts.  There really isn't a second that goes by that I don't think of him.  And maybe I am a bit crazy, but I talk to him everyday too.  And touch and kiss his picture before bed every night.  He will forever and always be my sweet little angel.