Seven Months

Today Asher would have been seven months old.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  I have started a Bible study that is for those greiving their babies.  And the first lesson was to tell your story.  I know I have already told my story at the beginning, but it also suggested to tell the cause of death and stuff like that.  Well for me I don't know that answer.  Maybe that is why this is so very hard.  They think Asher had a blood clot in his umbilical cord, but we will never know and that is so hard for me.  I want to fix the problem, but I just can't.  Why didn't I know something was wrong with my baby?  Why didn't I know he was in trouble then I could of FIXED it.  They say this won't happen again, but how do they know.  How can I trust my body again?  I know I say that a lot but I just don't know how. 

It is trying to get pregnant week at our house.  And that always comes with many emotions.  I know it's my body that is keeping it from happening.  I got pregnant after Asher but then miscarried and I simply can't go through that again.  Why did my body and my God let that happen to me again?

So after this week of trying it is wait and see.  I am not a patient person at all so it will feel like years even though it will be a couple of weeks.  I just miss my Asher so much.  I miss the feel of his body in my arms after he was born.  And then I had to leave him.  I wasn't supposed to have to leave him there.  I go visit him almost everyday and we took him a rose as a family the other day.  It was hard.  I never knew how hard Valentine's Day would be for me.  Probably because it is a holiday that revolves around the heart, and my heart is simply broken.  I don't know how to repair it.  I will never be the same person that I once was.  I find myself having more angry moments and there are many many sad moments.  I haven't had any happy moments really.  Sure Olivia makes me smile and laugh.  But I feel that is all on the outside.  I am still dying on the inside.  And I know another baby will not solve my problems.  But maybe it can be the glue that starts to heal my heart.

I hear all these stories about babies over coming odds on the tv and while I am so glad that another mom doesn't have to go through the pain I am, I just want to scream, "AT LEAST YOUR BABY IS ALIVE, BECAUSE MINE IS DEAD."  Maybe it is my attitude, which I am sure it is.  But nothing is as it once was.  Everything has changed for me.  I don't enjoy things like I used to.  Work isn't the same, reading isn't as fun.  I just get up out of bed and go through the motions of life that is all I can do.

I go to the doctor today to see how my cyst is donig on my ovary.  I don't really want to go, I'm not sure if I would be better off not knowing or if I need to know.  I hope it is not more bad news.  I have beat the odds by getting pregnant three times before I just hope it can happen again and I can bring this baby home with me.  I guess I will have to wait and see.


Here are some song lyrics that made me cry this week:

"Broken"
by Lindsey Haun

Wake up to a Sunny Day
Not a cloud up in the sky
And then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around
So open and exposed
But I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my troubles

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hittin' walls and gettin' scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking
Yeah

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find it's place
When you're broken
When you're broken

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Oh When you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken

 

This song seems fitting because that is exactly how I feel is broken in a million little pieces.  And every tear that falls down is for a reason, and that reason is Asher.  There hasn't been a day go by since July 20th that I haven't shed tears.  Will I ever feel whole again?