Months, Weeks, Days, Hours, Minutes

It has been a very bad and trying week for me.  I don't know what it is, ok maybe I do, but I have been super emotional.  Probably because I know about six people who have had babies in the last few weeks.  Now don't get me wrong I am happy for them, happy they don't have to feel the pain I do, but at the same time I am super jealous.  I am jealous that they got to hear there babies cry and they got to see them with there eyes open.  I am sad that I didn't even get to bring my baby home.  I had to leave my sweet Asher at the hospital.  I have been thinking a lot about the night I left the hospital.

Chris went to get the car and the nurse asked me if I wanted to see Asher one last time.  And I did, it was so hard to leave him there.  He was supposed to be coming home with me.  Even now it hurts me to my core to remember that.  I hate that my family only got to hold by baby once.  And I also hate that I may never be able to tell my grandpa happy birthday again.  Asher was born into heaven on his birthday.  I still remember telling Chris that I felt so bad that I couldn't even tell my grandpa happy birthday.  I hope he will understand that I might be able to tell him the day before, but I don't know if I will be able to tell him on the day. 

I am really struggling with the whys again this week too.  Why did this happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Am I being punished for something?  There just are no answers and maybe that is the hardest part of all this.  How do I know that this isn't going to happen again if I get pregnant?  I had Asher born into heaven and then I had a miscarriage.  I just don't know what it will do to me if I lose another baby.

I am almost at my breaking point the way it is.  I want to scream.  I am going through my angry stage again.  There is just a lot of things that are really making me upset.  Whether it be at home or work, I just feel like I can't catch a break.  The everyday tasks are exhausting for me.  Grief and depression is very exhausting.  I go to bed every night early and end up crying myself to sleep.  Night time is just a very lonely time for me.  I just want my baby back so bad.

We are trying again to get pregnant.  It is a very scary time for me and Chris.  We struggle with wanting another baby so bad to being so scared this is going to happen again.  If we lose another baby I don't know what it will do to us.  I will break I know I will.  I am so close now.  I know it is not the way to think but I sometimes wonder if I would be better off with Asher.  But I know I can never leave Olivia.

I hate leaving the house.  I have never been an out going person to start with.  But if I never had to leave my house again I would be fine.  It is a safe place for me.  I don't have to put on my "act" there.  I don't have to act like I care.  All I have to do is take care of my family.  I love being home with Olivia and I could stay home with her forever.  I don't like dealing with the outside world it's just too painful.  I love my friends and family dearly for being there for me through all this.  And I know my true friends and family will remain by myside no matter what I say and no matter how sad I get.  I just hope we can have a happy time to celebrate this year.

But so far I just count the months, weeks, days, hours, and minutes since I lost Asher.  And count the months, weeks, days, hours, and minutes that I am not pregnant with another precious baby.  I remember praying for Asher to be healthy when I was pregnant with him.  Now I find myself praying that my next baby is healthy, alive, and I get to bring him home this time.  I feel like my prayers have to be so literal now.  Asher was perfect in every way.  Why God did he have to die?