I haven't written in awhile. I have been trying to sort out my thoughts I guess. We moved Olivia to a big girl bed, which made me really sad. I remember when she slept in her crib for the first time, she looked so small. Now my baby is growing up and it makes me miss Asher even more. I long to hold a tiny little baby again. Olivia is doing pretty good in her big girl bed. She was sick for a few days so I got to stay home with her. I miss staying home. I really don't think I would leave the house much if I didn't have to. At home I don't have to face the world and I don't have to put on this act for people. The "happy" face I have to put on can be really challenging at times, and it is really exhausting. The weather doesn't help either. I hate the cold and I really hate the snow. I haven't even been able to go see Asher all week. It broke my heart to tell Olivia no we can't when she asked to go see Asher yesterday as we left daycare. I hope we can go see him again soon.
There are some days and nights when I really just want to give up. Last night was one of those nights. I don't know why I just didn't want to do things any more. I was a mess and Olivia wouldn't go to bed. She was screaming and crying from her room. And I hate to hear her cry. It has gotten even worse now that Asher has died. I was crying my eyes out and thinking if it was really worth it. Then she came up to me and gave me the biggest hug. So I know I need to keep going for her. It's hard though. I feel like a horrible mom a lot of the time. I feel bad when I have to make her cry it out in her bed. I feel like a horrible mom who didn't even know her baby was in trouble inside of her and he died. I hate that is happened and I would do anything and everything to change it, I just don't know how. I want to trust my body again, but I don't know how. Will I ever feel different I don't know yet.
I try to talk about Asher with others, but they just don't seem to care. Yes it makes me sad to talk about him, but it is also good for me. That way I know he is not forgotten, because I will never forget him. He is in my thoughts constantly. I had someone the other day told me she likes reading my blog and it really helped to know that someone takes the time out of there day to look at my thoughts and feelings and be there with me. It really is hard. I never have liked myself, but now it is so much worse. I hope I will not pass this on to Olivia. I want to teach her how to love herself. She makes me laugh everynight and I love when she tells me she loves me all day. She really is what keeps me going.
I went back to the doctor this week, and had another ultrasound. My cyst is still there. It hasn't grown any bigger, but my doctor doesn't think it will go away on its own. I have a history of endometriosis and he is pretty sure that it what it is. He is hoping it will not effect my chances of getting pregnant but he isn't sure. So we are going to try again for a few months and see what happens. If we don't get pregnant then I will probably have to have surgery. He is hoping to save my ovary, since it is the only one I have left. So we are praying things will work out and we will get pregnant again soon. So please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I really need something good to happen. I need something to hope for and look forward to again. So far the first month of 2013 has not been the greatest, so here's to hoping it will get better.
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