July

Well it's finally here, the month I have been dreading since July 20th 2012.  It's July it's here and I couldn't stop it from coming.  I can't believe it has almost been a year since I gave birth to my sweet Asher James.  I still relive that day everyday.  I remember the beginning of July we were so happy and I was very pregnant and it was very hot.  Olivia and I were enjoying the pool.  I didn't care how big I was I was about to have a son the one thing I so desperately wanted.

This July is very different.  This July is less hot and I have a hole in my heart this summer.  Don't get me wrong Asher is in my heart always, but he is not in my arms, and that is so very very hard.  If I could turn back time and do something, anything different I would in a second.  If you would have asked me after Asher died if I would survive a year I probably wouldn't of told you that I wouldn't survive it.  How could I my baby died!  But it's almost here twenty days away.  I almost survived it.  ALMOST because it isn't here yet.  I am sure that this next twenty days will bring lots and lots of tears.  So if you see me take it easy on me because I am still a grieving mother who misses her baby something terrible.  I love to talk about him, but be prepared for tears.  It warms my heart when people ask how we are doing.  Because your lives might have moved on, but ours hasn't.  At least not for me.  I am still rooted in the day that horrible horrible day when my baby was born into heaven.

In the last year I am amazed by the people.  There are those that I thought would be there for me, those that would ask how I am doing.  But instead I find out that they don't really care.  Sure they asked how I was a week later.  And then there are those surprises that ask me how I am all the time.  They are friends now and they are now my family.  I am greatful for my friends who have been there for me.  I have also made some new friends who have gone though this horrible thing too.  I just hope that some day soon all these people who have been there for me can help celebrate joy with me. 

So as I cry myself to sleep every night this month please just say a little prayer for my family because this will be a tough month for us to get through.  I am going to surround myself with family and hopefully that friends who I haven't scared away to make it though this.  I am going to hug Olivia tighter every night because she is the reason I get up in the morning.  I am going to try and keep her life as normal as possible.

If you every have a friend who has lost a child please please don't be afraid to ask how they are doing, even a year later or long.  Because that is all they want is to know that someone hasn't forgotten the child they lost.  I know your life has moved on but ours hasn't.  We just want to know that people haven't forgotten our pain and our loss.

So for the rest of July Olivia and I will do what we did last July until that sad sad day, you will probably catch us at the pool.