Well a year ago today was probably the second worst day of my life. Today was the day I had to lay my sweet beautiful baby to rest. A year ago today would have been his funeral and the last day I would see his beautiful face in person. I don't remember a whole lot from the actual day. I know I cried a lot and a lot of people were at the church to pay there respects and to say goodbye to Asher. The night before the funereal we had a viewing just for family. That was so hard for me. I got to see Asher for the first time since I left him at the hospital. I hated seeing him in the casket. He was so small and innocent. I remember breaking down and just scream Why my baby? I just wanted my baby back.
Looking back I wish we would of had the funereal on DVD. We were asked if we wanted to but we said no. I don't know if I would ever watch it again, but it would be nice to have. I remember Jesus Loves Me was one of the songs. And really the only other thing I remember was Olivia pooped during the funereal. I know that is a crazy thing to remember, but that is what I do remember.
The cemetery was so hot and the grass was so dry. Where the ground was mounded over his little body that day is now flat. His headstone is in place. I still go and visit him almost everyday. It's how I feel close to him.
The physical pain of giving birth wasn't too bad, but the emotional pain was so great. I remember taking pain medication. Trying to take the pain away from my heart. But it never worked. It did help me sleep a little bit, but it never took the pain away. The pain is still here and still great.
It still hurts to see the babies on Facebook. I just think how could all these women have healthy babies. Why did mine die? How come I have to be different? I just want to be happy like them. When is it going to be my turn to hear my newborn baby cry? Everyone makes it look so easy. And it should be easy. Why do I have to work so hard to get to bring a baby home? I hope my family will get what is wishes and longs for soon. We just want that baby crying to come home with us.
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