Seven Days

I have been meaning to write something, but I don't know what to write I guess.  I have so many emotions, but don't know how to put them to words.  I can't believe that in seven days Asher would have been one year old.  It is still so hard to think about that day.  I relive it almost everyday.  And it seems like the simplest things make me remember being pregnant with him or make me miss him so much.  When I hear a baby cry it just breaks my heart into a thousand pieces.  Olivia always says to me "Mommy when need another baby to bring home in a basket."  And I just look into her sweet eyes and tell her that Mommy hopes that it will happen soon too.  Everytime I walk into my doctor's office I think about being pregnant with Asher and then going their without him.

It was a year ago today I had a doctor's appointment.  I begged to have the baby that day.  I was miserable and didn't feel good.  I had another UTI and I just wanted not to be pregnant any more.  I was just over 37 weeks.  And of course my doctor said no.  Apparently you can't be induced until 39 weeks by law.  Well I will tell you what, when I am pregnant again there is nothing that he can say to me to make me wait until 39 weeks to have the baby.  I waited with Asher and what did it get me.  NOTHING  It got me a baby I had to plan a funeral for.  And since it is not sure why Asher died I want that baby in my arms as soon as possible.

I just miss him so much.  We have planned to have a family get together on July 21st.  Chris and I decided that we just need to be alone as a family on July 20th.  It won't be an easy day but we will go see him often I bet.  Olivia already told me that she is going to sing him Happy Birthday.  She is such a sweet little girl.  Without her there would have been no way I would have survived this year.  She keeps me going.  She knows when I need a hug or just someone to cuddle with.  If I am crying she will bring me her "Manny" for me to hold.  Olivia and Asher mean everything to me.  I just hope soon that we can bring another baby into our home so Olivia can experience growing up with a sibling, but that is something that Chris nor I never got the chance to experience.  I no longer care that we don't have a big enough house.  Our house is filled with love and we will find a place to put more children when we are blessed with them.

I will try to blog more this week.  It's going to be a tough one but I'm sure we will get through it.