A Year Ago Today... Part 2

525,600 minutes and 365 days, that is how long it has been since my sweet Asher came into this world so quiet.  It is a day I have been dreading for a long time.  I still don't understand how this could happen to me and my family.  I don't understand why perfect babies have to die.  I am not and probably never will be the same person I woke up as on July 20, 2012.  That day has changed me.  I still don't know if it is for the better or not.

The sadness and grief still consumes most of my days.  I have cried almost everyday for a straight year.  It usually at night when the quiet house gets to me.  It's not supposed to be this quiet.  It is quiet just like the delivery room was that night.  It was 6:57 p.m. that Asher was born.  I didn't get to hear him cry or take his first breath.  That utter horrible silence was preceded by the words that still rock my world.  "This baby is not alive."  Those five words will forever be ingrained into my mind.  They are the words I fear again.

There was no reason for Asher to die.  He was perfect in every way.  I wish I could have heard his first cry and seen his first smile.  Those are all things others may take for granted.  But I guarantee if we are ever blessed with a baby again those will be the things we cherish the most.

In this year I would have given anything to have those sleepless nights.  I would have given anything to change those stinky diapers.  Instead all I got was a body who knew it had had a baby.  I got the milk that I would never be able to feed my baby because he was gone. 

I hope Asher had a good birthday in heaven.  We tired to make it special for him on earth.  We took him balloons and made him cupcakes. Olivia sang to him and we released a balloon to him, which was so sad.  Tomorrow we will get together as a family to remember my sweet baby boy.