A Year Ago Today... Part 1

So July 18th is here.  And it was a year ago today that I went to the doctor.  I was finally feeling great.  I laid on that table and heard my baby's heartbeat and it was perfect.  We also scheduled my induction to be the following Tuesday.  I was so excited, I was going to meet my baby boy really soon.  My mom and I went to lunch then and everything was perfect.

Little did I know that that moment in time would be the last time I would hear my sweet Asher's heartbeat.  It would be the last thing I can remember that signified that he was alive.  I would love to say that I remember when I felt him move in the next couple of days, but that is just something that I do not remember.  It breaks my heart that I can't remember that.

I hate that my body failed me.  I hate not knowing if it will fail me again.  Yes I still blame myself even though I know there is nothing I did wrong and there was nothing I could do to save him.  I would do anything to have him here with me.

I should be planning his first birthday party, not crying myself to sleep every night.  I know some people may think things should be better for me since it has almost been a year.  But until you have lost a child and have been through this kind of pain you will never understand my feelings or those of anyone else's.

I have so many feelings and emotions this week it is really hard to write them down.  It hasn't been an easy week so far, and I don't think things will get much better.  I will just be sitting here crying wishing my Asher was here in my arms.

A Lament for My Baby
I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didnt get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
... I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"
~Author Unknown