Well it's a new year. I sure hope 2013 is better than the last half of 2012. I celebrated the new year with family in my pajamas playing cards. It was bitter sweet to clink glasses with my 2 year old at midnight. (her milk cup to my adult beverage) I told 2012 to shove it. My aunt told me that my free pass is over. I told her until I got the baby I long for so much I didn't know how I would be. I know everyone says time helps, but everything still feels so raw. July 20th was an ordinary day for most, but it is one I relive everyday and it continues to haunt me. I will never forget that day EVER. As much as I try it will never go away. I try to remember the very little good of that day, but the bad always comes out. Asher was perfect. He had lots of red hair. He should of taken a breath, he looked like he should open his eyes. But there was nothing.
I am hoping we can bring a baby into our home this year. But it's hard for me to hope these days. I hoped for Asher and got nothing. I prayed for Asher and those prayers were not answered. I got pregnant again and parayed for that baby and miscarried. I know prayer is important but it's hard to pray when you feel like God is not listening to you. I have a ultrasound this week to make sure everything looks ok. Then I have to meet with a high risk doctor. Not sure what he will do, but we will see. I want to start trying again for another baby, but I am scared beyond belief. I can't go through another lose. It really will break me.
I wish I could be one of those happy pregnant people when I do get pregnant again. But I know that is not possible. I will be scared the entire time. I know what can happen. You can go nine months and be days away from bringing your baby into this world only to have them die. I just can't believe how much can go wrong in two days. I heard his heartbeat two days before he was born still. TWO DAYS BEFORE HE WAS FINE! That will forever haunt me. What did I do wrong? I should have known something was wrong. I want to have a happy pregnancy, but every appointment and ultrasound I know I am going to hold my breath waiting to hear that little heartbeat. Even a heartbeat is no guarentee the baby will live. I will have to go nine months of anxiety. I look at all the pregnant people now and just hope they don't have to go through this. But at the same time when I see there happy posts I just want to say you know what your baby could die. Mine did. It's not something people want to talk about, but maybe it should be. When it happens to you, you feel so alone. I am so glad I had a nurse who took care of me and did everything in her power to make sure I had things to remember my sweet Asher. I hope when it is time to deliver my next baby she can be there with me for this happy time. If she reads this I hope she knows how much she means to me. She cired with me and it meant so much to me. She could of stayed out of my room and not dealt with me, but she was always there making sure I was well taken care of.
My only resolution for this year is to have a baby in my arms by Christmas. Please keep me and my family in your prayers as we try to have another baby.
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