"Comforting" Words

So today I was thinking about all the "comforting" words that people have said to me since Asher has died.  Now I don't want to seem rude or anything but they really haven't all been that comforting.  I was told by my counselor it is just people saying things because they think they should say something.  And most of the time it makes matters worse. 

God only gives you what you can handle:  So does God think I cannot handle two children?  I hope not because that would be horrible for me.  Also, burying Asher and the pain of going through labor to deliver a baby who you know is going to be born into heaven was way more than I could handle.  It is still more than I can handle. I did not want to be doing this in my life.  I wanted to have my daughter and my son and be living as one happy family. Instead I worry that my saddness is some how going to screw Olivia up emotionally.  I worry she isn't getting the best of her mommy because I am so sad all the time.  If God only gives me what I can handle then he can have this back because it is WAY mroe than I want to handle.

You have Olivia:  I know I have Olivia and she has been a blessing for me.  She has gotten me through some really tough times.  But I don't have Asher and she has lost a brother.  She is too small to understand what that means, but she knows he is in heaven.  Olivia has comforted me when I have been crying and made me laugh when I never thought I would again.  But it isn't the same.  I was supposed to having two living children with me not one.

You can try again/ you will have another baby:  While now I want another baby really bad.  It's almost like an obsession.  Don't say that too me because I WANTED Asher, I WANTED that baby.  I spent 38 weeks waiting for him only to have him taken away.  I do hope someday to have another baby and I hope it is this year.  But after losing Asher and then having a miscarriage, my faith in God and my body has taken a big hit.  So I hope to trust in God and my body again to try and get through a future pregnancy.  I just hope God won't turn his back on me as I deal with my anger towards him for taking Asher.

You seem to get pregnant so easy:  So what I seem to get pregnant really easy.  I have only gotten to keep one baby I have been pregnant with.  I am a natural worrier so can you imagine how I am going to deal with another pregnancy.  It isn't going to be easy on my emotional or physical self.  I just hope that I can continue to get pregnant "easy."

Time will help things:  It may help things, but I hate time.  It always seems like I am waiting right now.  I need to wait before we try to have another baby.  So far time has not made things better for me.  How much time will it take, I do not know.  The more time that passes all I can think about is that much time that Asher has not been with me.  I hate time.

Sometimes the best things to say to me is nothing.  It is to be there to give me a hug and let me cry on your shoulder.  People think that taking about Asher will only make it worse.  But the truth is I love talking about my baby.  I may cry when I do it, but it means so much to me to know you care enough to ask about him.  Many people don't know that I go see him everyday at the cemetery so I talk to him a lot.  I have found that for the first couple of weeks people would ask how I am doing.  But now it seems that they have stopped asking.  Maybe it is because I am still doing just "ok" as I put it.  Maybe they don't want me to bring them down.  I don't know.  But in reality I am doing pretty crappy still.  I hate waking up everyday without Asher.  I go through the motions of life, but I don't like my life right now.  I don't know when/how it is going to get better.  I realize another baby is not going to magically make things better.  I will never be better.  I will always have a hole in my heart where Ahser is supposed to be.  Another baby will never replace him, but it sure would be nice to have something to hope for and look forward to.  Something to maybe take my mind off things for a few mintues.  Because my mind is ALWAYS on Asher and that day I gave birth to him and the day I had to bury him in the ground.  I love and miss you Asher.