Many Tears

Not really sure what I want to write about this time, but I am just missing Asher like crazy.  I am so tired of seeing pictures of new babies and hearing about all the happy pregnant people.  I know I should be happy for them, but I just can't be right now.  I find myself getting very angry.  I just want to break stuff and scream.  Which isn't like me at all.  I guess Asher's death really did change me.  I hope someday I will find myself a better person, but for right now you have to take me as I am.  I just want to be pregnant with a baby.  I just see pregnant people and want to scream, "your baby could die, mine did."  I just want someone to understand me.  I hate winter anyway, but this one I feel especially alone in the world.  I know I have friends and family who love ma and are there for me, but I just don't know how to talk about things.  I feel like they are going to think I'm going crazy.  I feel like I'm going crazy half the time.

This year was supposed to be better, but so far it has had many tears.  I have cried everyday since July 20th, somedays there are more tears than others, but I can honestly say I have cried everyday over something.  I had an ultrasound this past week to make sure things were looking ok and lets just say things didn't go well.  I someone how a gut feeling it was going to be bad.  I won't get into specifics here just waiting for the doctor to call back to tell me what's next.  The doctor yelled at me and told me I was being selfish for wanting another baby.  Not sure what his deal was but it really made me upset.  I wanted to scream at him but all I could do was cry.  Don't tell me I am being selfish when I had to put my baby in a grave.  That is just not fair to say to me.

We have had some changes to our house, new paint and some new furniture.  Some may think it's a fresh start, but I don't want to be in this house any more.  There are too many bad memories here.  Everytime I go down stairs and take a shower I think about the day I was in labor with Asher.  Again I won't go into details but something happened in that bathroom.  I need a new house a fresh start.

People keep telling me time will help.  Well time sucks.  I want time to fast forward so I can have a baby in my arms.  I was time to rewind so I can know something was wrong with Asher and fix it.  But I am just stuck in time.  It will be six months since I lost him coming up.  That's a half a year.  It feels both like yesterday and a life time ago.  Time sucks.  The days take forever.  I hate leaving the house I just want to stay home where I don't have to talk to people and don't have to put on this brave face.  If only people knew that I am dying inside.  That somedays I wonder if it would be easier to just be with Asher.  I know that won't solve anything so I would never do it.  But at least I would be with my baby again.

I have many questions about heaven.  What will Asher look like when I see him?  Will he be that same baby I held in my arms only briefly?  Will he age and grow?  Is he up there with my sister and grandpa?  I like to think they are taking great care of him.

I also have so many fears.  I fear I will lose another baby.  I can't do this again I really can't manage.  I fear Olivia will have to go through this someday.  My mom lost two babies and now me.  I don't want to see her in this much pain. 

When will the happiness return?  When will I go a day without tears?  When will this hole in my heart seem less?  When will I care about things I used to?  I just don't know when.