Six Months

Asher would have been six months old today, and things aren't getting any easier for me.  It seems like yesterday I was laying in the hospital bed and the doctor told me he was not alive any more.  I don't know if it is normal or not, but I still cry EVERYDAY.  There hasn't been a day in six months where I haven't cried.  I usually cry when I am in bed soaking my pillow with many tears.  His picture is by my bed and it is the last thing I look at before I go to sleep and the first thing I see in the morning.  I still don't know if it has been a long six months or a short six months.  I just hate that the days keep coming and I am still standing here without the thing I wanted most.
 
I find myself thinking about what Asher would be doing now.  He would be smiling a lot and babbling and maybe even starting to crawl.  Six months is a fun age and I just hate that I don't get to experience it with him.  I found some of the newborn clothes and diapers the other day and I just broke down.  He was supposed to wear those.  It's not fair that he never go to wear them.  He will only every wear one outfit and that was the one he was buried in.  I don't even know if they put a diaper on him.  I know that doesn't matter but I would like to think he had that small diaper on him.  I remember his face very clearly, but I don't really remember his little toes and the rest of him.  I wish I would have unwraped him more and gotten to know everything about him. 
 
I picked out yarn for my next baby blanket, no I'm not pregnant and I hope I am not cursing myself by starting on the next one, but I just needed to do something.  Olivia has a blanket I knit for her, and Asher was buried with the blanket I knit for him.  It wasn't finished yet, but it was the perfect size for him.  We hope to start trying again soon even though we are both terrified that something bad will happen again.
 
I went to my work Christmas party tonight and it is so hard to put on that happy face when really you are still aching inside.  You never know what people are thinking about you.  Sometimes I feel like people look at me and think oh there is that mom that lost her baby.  I don't know it was just a hard night trying to be happy but also knowing that Asher should have been six months old today.
 
I am still struggling going back to church.  I know I should go, but it is so hard to walk through that door.  That is the last place I seen my babys face.  I am also still angry at God for taking him from me.  I am trying to read the Bible everynight and for now I hope that is enough because I'm just not ready to go back to church.  I still pray, but it is with a guarded heart because I feel like God isn't listening or answering my prayers right now.  I tell Him how angry I am with him and that he owes me a baby.  And I know God doesn't owe me anything, but I also know He can take my anger and he understands I eventually will come around.  I'm just not ready yet.
 
All this has just made life so hard.  It is like hitting rock bottom.  I have always struggled with happiness and self confidence and this really didn't help but bring me almost to a breaking point.  I would like to hope that things would start getting better soon.  But I said that after Asher died and then had a miscarriage so who knows.  I guess I will continue to take things day by day, because right now that is all I have the energy for and most days that is tough.
 
Happy Six Month Birthday Asher.  Mommy loves and misses you so so much.