Alone

I haven't written in awhile, I guess I am not sure what to write.  I still am not doing very well.  Night time is still a struggle for me.  But it seems like the littlest thing can set me off and I will be crying.  I still cry all the time and lately I have been feeling so alone.  I guess it is because not many people ask to see how we are doing any more.  I mean I am sure people care, it is just that they moved on with their lives and I guess I haven't.  How can I?  I mean I lost my precious baby.  I just want to scream that numerous times a day.  I hope that those who are truely my friends will stick by me through all this.  I know I have not been a good friend, but I am doing the best I can.  Most of the time I am in a dark place and I am just trying to get through the day.  Being depressed and grieving is extremely exhausting.  I try to be happy for Olivia, but it is super hard sometimes.  I am finding myself getting frustrated with her again super easy.  I just don't know what to do.  We are trying so hard to have another baby, but it seems like my body isn't cooperating.  I will probably end up calling the doctor again to see what the next step is.  I am sure he is tired of hearing from me, but until I get a baby in my arms I am going to be calling.

Living without Asher is so hard.  I still try to visit him almost everyday.  And since it is coming up on Memorial Day and his one year birthday it will be so hard for me to cope.  I really wanted a baby in my arms by the time Asher turned one.  But I guess that was not in the plans for me.  People ask how I am doing, and I say ok when really I am dying inside.  I want to tell them how I really am, but I'm sure they don't want to hear it.  I feel like people look at me and think there is that lady who lost her baby.  And when I think that it makes me feel like it was my fault.  Sometimes I still feel like it was, but I know there was nothing I could have done, because if there was Asher would be here.  I miss him so much.  He has a part of my heart with him in heaven because it is gone now.

I am tired of daily life, it is so pointless most of the time.  I get up and go for Olivia she is all I have.  I know I need to stay here for her even when I don't want to.  I just hope someday she gets to experience having the sibling to grow up with that I never had.  She is going to be three in a couple weeks and it makes me upset because she is supposed to have a brother here.  They were supposed to be close in age.  If I ever get pregnant again she is going to be almost four by the time the next baby gets here.

It has been hard for me to pray again lately.  I feel like I am just saying empty words.  I am praying so hard to get pregnant and nothing is happening.  Where are you God and why aren't you listening to me?  I need to have something to hold onto and look forward too.  Something that gets me out of bed in the morning.  I want to be pregnant so I have a reason to take care of myself.  Why can't this happen for me?  I am angry and want to scream at God for many many reasons.  I know he can take it, but at the same time I feel like if I am angry with Him then He is never going to answer my prayers.  It upsets me that all these people are getting pregnant unplanned and I am working my butt off to try and get pregnant and nothing is happening.  I am charting and planning out everything and it is all for nothing.  I am tired of it.  I am trying to relax and be less stressed but it is so hard when the thing you wanted most was taken away from you. 

I just don't know what to do anymore.  Everything is so hard and not getting any easier.  Right now I am not agreeing with the time heals all things.  I think it is a sham.

Someone Is Missing
Someone is missing from our dinner table,
from our bedroom and our home.
Someone is missing from holiday celebrations,
family vacations and everywhere in between.
Someone is missing from our lives,
Our littlest one is gone.
He will not have birthday parties, graduations, or celebrations.
We will miss him throughout eternity
and our family will never be complete.
... Someone is missing, yet we go on.
Our lives are touched by him.
Changed forever by his brief existence.
His memory we keep alive.
He lives only in our hearts and minds,
We were blessed by his short life.
Our love for him forever strong.
Even though...someone will always be...MISSING.
- D. Lutz

Anniversary

Thursday Chris and I will have been married four years.  I don't know if it seems like a long time or not.  I remember a good portion of our wedding day.  It was a good day and I was so happy.  We really don't celebrate much for our anniversary.  I have been pregnant two out of the four years so far.  I really wish I was pregnant again this year, or I wish Asher were here with us.

Sometimes I wonder if Chris would have known what was going to happen in our life together if he would have still choosen to marry me.  I mean when we got married who would of thought that a few years down the road we would have to bury a son we never got to meet.  We have talked about this and he says he still would have married me.  But it is hard for me to think that through.  I mean sometimes I feel I have caused him all this pain and grief.  I know it isn't my fault Asher died, but he was in my body. 

Asher death has definely brought us closer together.  If we didn't have Olivia though I don't know where we would be.  We are still despertaly trying to get pregnant again.  Maybe it will happen on our anniversary.  I just hope next year when it comes time to celebrate our five year that we can do it with a baby in our arms once again.

I haven't been easy to live with since Asher died.  The littlest things can bring me to tears.  I get frustrated and angry pretty easy.  I try to keep it in check, but sometimes it just needs to come out.  I try to be a good wife and mother.  I just hope I am enough for them.  I know someday this cloud of saddness and despair will lift a little bit and I'm not sure who I will be once it does, but I know that I will always try to be the best wife and mother that I can be.  I know that is what Asher would want me to do.

Memories

Yesterday I sat and read an article in People Magazine about the families who lost there children in the Newtown school shooting and it really brought a wave of grieving back to me.  I know what these familes are going through.  They miss their children terribly.  They feel like life can't possibly go on.  That is how I feel everyday too.  There is a difference between those who have lost children a few years down the road and to what I am experiencing though.  I am not saying one is easier than the other because I am sure it is not.  It is just different.  Just like everyone grieves different and feels different.

These people have memories to look back on.  They have good memories of first smiles, first days of school, and all that in between.  I don't have many memories of Asher, and that ones that I do are not good.  I try and not think about them, but it is impossible.

My memories are of hearing his heartbeat for the last time.  Watching the nurse try to find his heartbeat while I was in labor.  The memory of the doctor telling me this baby is not alive.  The memory of going through labor never to hear my baby cry when he came out.  The memory of leaving him at the hospital and going home without him.  The physical ache in my arms that was supposed to be holding that sweet baby.  The milk that came in and there was no baby for me to feed.  The memory of his funeral and all the crying people who were here for us that day.  The memory of him lying in his casket to be put into the ground.  Those are my memories and nothing will ever change them.

I hope someday that I can hold a healthy live baby in my arms again and maybe some of those memories won't be so pronounced in my mind.  But I think about them every day and there is no escaping them.

I just prary soon my heart won't feel like it is in a million pieces.

Spring TIme

Well the weather is getting warmer and than means another season change which is really hard for me.  I have a love/hate relationship with the warmer weather.  I'm glad winter is gone, but with the warmer weather it means that summer is coming way too fast.  And with summer comes the month of July.  I don't want it to be a year since I lost Asher.  It just breaks my heart to think about that day.  I think about it everyday though.  I can't escape it.  I just wish there was something I could have known or done different.  I am trying to except things but it's so hard.  It seems like more and more people are announcing their pregnancies.  And that makes things extremely difficult for me.  I want to be the person who is pregnant too.

Even though I am scared to be pregnant again I know it is a risk I have to take if I want another baby in my arms.  I wanted to have another baby by the time Asher would have been one, then I miscarried.  Then I wanted to have a baby before my 30th birthday, and that chance came and went.  Now I just want to have a baby before the end of the year, and this is the last month that could possibly happen.  So here's to hoping it will.  My doctor put me on some fertility medication, so I hope that helps. 

Easter was hard, but I survived it.  Olivia had fun hunting and re-hunting Easter eggs.  We went to church which is still super hard for me.  I still haven't made it through a service without breaking into tears.  It is also hard for me to walk down that center aisle.  That may seem silly but I had to walk down that center aisle with a full church at Asher's funeral.  We went to visit Asher on Easter.  Olivia likes to go see him.  I still go almost everyday to see him.  I miss him so much. 

Sometimes it seems like the little things that are the hardest for me.  I used to love going clothes shopping for Olivia, but now it is hard for me.  I just look at all the cute clothes Asher is supposed to be wearing now.  I just want my baby back.  I hope soon I will get what I hope and dream for, and that is to be pregnant with another baby really soon.  Chris and I have talked that we don't have a set limit on how many kids we are going to have any more.  We just want more.  We don't care how big our house is we just want more kids in our lives.  And I know Olivia wants that too.  Every night she says her prayers and tells God to take good care of Asher and to please bless us with another baby soon.  God listens to children first, so I hope Olivia gets her prayers answered too.

Courage

I wish I had the courage to ask for help without feeling weak.

I wish I had the courage to ask someone to come sit and just cry with me.

I wish I had the courage to speak my mind and tell what I really feel, without the worry of being judged.

I wish someone could take my pain away.

I wish I knew what God's Plan was.

I wish I knew everything would be alright.

I wish I knew I wasn't going to lose another baby.

I wish I had a baby in my arms right now.

I wish I knew when I would get pregnant again and that things would work out this time.

I wish Asher were here.

I wish I knew why me and not them.

Instead I just lay on my bed and cry alone.

God's Plan

I am trying to find words to type today.  I just watched a sweet video of memories of a sweet child who was also taken from her family too soon.  She passed away one year ago today and her family is in my thoughts and prayers today.  I don't know how they survived a year I really don't.  I am close to staring that year down.  But I don't want it to be a year.  I just want my baby back.  I don't want to have to think that it has been 365 days since I held him.  I don't want to think about if I want to see him I go visit his grave.  I think about him so much.  And the pain is still so great.  I read about people who are counting down to baby on Facebook and I just think that how much can change in those short days.  I was four days away from going to the hospital to be induced.  FOUR days was all it took to having so much more happiness.  Instead I got two days and a whole bunch of heartache.  I know others have pains and heartache, but most times it feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one else "gets" it.  I do my best and that is all I can give right now.  They say time heals but I think time is the enemy.

Chris and I have been talking a lot lately about God's Plan for us.  We have no clue what it is.  I just wish for a glimpse of what he is thinking about.  Will I have another baby maybe more?  Tell me when that will happen God because right now I just have so much pain.  I just want to know everything is going to be alright.  I am sure if Asher were here, there would be other things that are troubling me, but nothing really matters any more.  I don't care if my house isn't clean or what people think of me.  I just want to be holding a baby in my arms.  This has changed me greatly.  And if that has changed your opinion of me then fine.  I am thankful for those who ask me how I am doing.  It always makes me cry when I think about those who ask.  I wouldn't say they are the ones who I would least expect it from, but it is always a surprise.  It may make me cry but I really do appreciate those who care.  I am thankful for all the prayers.

We are staring another holiday in the face.  Easter won't be easy.  I still have trouble going to church so I am sure Easter church will be no different.  I try to put on a happy face for Olivia.  I want her to have the best Easter she can possibly have.  I will go to the family thing, but it's really hard for me to talk to people and pretend like I am enjoying myself when I'm hurting so much inside.  This was supposed to be Asher's first Easter and he would probably be crawling to find those eggs.  I am sure Olivia would be helping him find them.  Instead I had to give him Easter eggs at his grave.

March Maddness

This is the time of year I normally love.  It's college basketball's March Maddness tournament.  But this year it just isn't something I look forward to.  Sure I am watching the games, but it just doesn't have the appeal as it normally would for me.  Since I lost Asher nothing really matters any more.  The things I once loved simply don't mean anything.  I still do something things like read because there isn't anything else to do with my time.  I just think about when I was pregnant ordering the UNC onesie's for Asher that I knew would be fitting him right now in anticipation for March Maddness and now they sit downstairs in a box.  I don't know if anyone will ever wear them.  It just makes me so sad.  We are trying to have another baby, but it seems like every month it's another let down.  My body is failing us and I'm letting my family down all over again.

I know I'm stressed and I don't know how to take it away.  My left eye has been twitching for a couple months now and I don't know why.  I guess it could be the stress.  All I really want to do is stay in bed.  If I can't stay in bed I just want to stay home all day everyday.  It takes everything I have to leave the house in the morning to go to work.  I some how put on a happy face when I take Olivia to daycare.  I know she is in good hands there but it makes me so sad to leave her and miss all that time with her.  I just worry something bad will happen to her.  I just pray to be blessed with another baby, so she will have someone to grow up with.

I went shopping with my mom today which I love to do.  I bought Olivia her Easter dress.  Shopping for little clothes always makes me sad.  I so want to be buying little boy clothes for Asher.  I want to buy baby clothes so bad.  I just feel if I do I will some how curse myself.  I know as soon as I get pregnant again I am going to want to buy something for the baby growing inside of me, but how can I?  I am ruined into that blissful happiness of being pregnant.  We had so much stuff bought for Asher that is not sitting downstairs in a box. 

Everytime I go some where or do something I always think back to last year or to before I lost Asher.  I was at Wesleyan with my mom a few weeks ago and all I could think about was when I was pregnant with Asher and went for an interview at the Library there.  Then there is some resruarant that my mom and I ate at the day I heard Asher's heart beat for the last time.  Then today my mom had to go to Saint Elizabeth hospital to pick up something, and I couldn't even step foot in that place.  I lost Asher there and then the last time I was there I had to have a D & C when I had my miscarriage.  Everytime I take a shower in my house I think of the day I went into labor.  Everytime I am in the bathroom at work I also think of that day.  I guess those things will always haunt me.

I am still so sad and I don't know how to make things better.  I have cried everyday sime I lost Asher.  Olivia says she is worried about me and I hate that she is so young and has to worry about her mommy.  I know she deserves a happy mommy and I show her all the love in the world but losing Asher had such a huge impact on my life.  They say time will heal this, but I don't believe it for a second.  I will NEVER get over this, it has changed who I am to the core.  I just hope people can understand and be patient with me as I grieve and try to figure out who I am and where I am going.  I am doing my best and that's all I can do right now.  That may mean I need some time alone, I may need to cry at work or just sit in the quiet.  Just know I am doing the best I can.  I am not sure how I am supposed to act.  I just feel what I feel and I can't change that.  I just pray we will be blessed with a baby soon so I have something to shift my focus and give me some hope again.  But my baby Asher will always be in my heart and thoughts.  There really isn't a second that goes by that I don't think of him.  And maybe I am a bit crazy, but I talk to him everyday too.  And touch and kiss his picture before bed every night.  He will forever and always be my sweet little angel.