Memories

Yesterday I sat and read an article in People Magazine about the families who lost there children in the Newtown school shooting and it really brought a wave of grieving back to me.  I know what these familes are going through.  They miss their children terribly.  They feel like life can't possibly go on.  That is how I feel everyday too.  There is a difference between those who have lost children a few years down the road and to what I am experiencing though.  I am not saying one is easier than the other because I am sure it is not.  It is just different.  Just like everyone grieves different and feels different.

These people have memories to look back on.  They have good memories of first smiles, first days of school, and all that in between.  I don't have many memories of Asher, and that ones that I do are not good.  I try and not think about them, but it is impossible.

My memories are of hearing his heartbeat for the last time.  Watching the nurse try to find his heartbeat while I was in labor.  The memory of the doctor telling me this baby is not alive.  The memory of going through labor never to hear my baby cry when he came out.  The memory of leaving him at the hospital and going home without him.  The physical ache in my arms that was supposed to be holding that sweet baby.  The milk that came in and there was no baby for me to feed.  The memory of his funeral and all the crying people who were here for us that day.  The memory of him lying in his casket to be put into the ground.  Those are my memories and nothing will ever change them.

I hope someday that I can hold a healthy live baby in my arms again and maybe some of those memories won't be so pronounced in my mind.  But I think about them every day and there is no escaping them.

I just prary soon my heart won't feel like it is in a million pieces.

Spring TIme

Well the weather is getting warmer and than means another season change which is really hard for me.  I have a love/hate relationship with the warmer weather.  I'm glad winter is gone, but with the warmer weather it means that summer is coming way too fast.  And with summer comes the month of July.  I don't want it to be a year since I lost Asher.  It just breaks my heart to think about that day.  I think about it everyday though.  I can't escape it.  I just wish there was something I could have known or done different.  I am trying to except things but it's so hard.  It seems like more and more people are announcing their pregnancies.  And that makes things extremely difficult for me.  I want to be the person who is pregnant too.

Even though I am scared to be pregnant again I know it is a risk I have to take if I want another baby in my arms.  I wanted to have another baby by the time Asher would have been one, then I miscarried.  Then I wanted to have a baby before my 30th birthday, and that chance came and went.  Now I just want to have a baby before the end of the year, and this is the last month that could possibly happen.  So here's to hoping it will.  My doctor put me on some fertility medication, so I hope that helps. 

Easter was hard, but I survived it.  Olivia had fun hunting and re-hunting Easter eggs.  We went to church which is still super hard for me.  I still haven't made it through a service without breaking into tears.  It is also hard for me to walk down that center aisle.  That may seem silly but I had to walk down that center aisle with a full church at Asher's funeral.  We went to visit Asher on Easter.  Olivia likes to go see him.  I still go almost everyday to see him.  I miss him so much. 

Sometimes it seems like the little things that are the hardest for me.  I used to love going clothes shopping for Olivia, but now it is hard for me.  I just look at all the cute clothes Asher is supposed to be wearing now.  I just want my baby back.  I hope soon I will get what I hope and dream for, and that is to be pregnant with another baby really soon.  Chris and I have talked that we don't have a set limit on how many kids we are going to have any more.  We just want more.  We don't care how big our house is we just want more kids in our lives.  And I know Olivia wants that too.  Every night she says her prayers and tells God to take good care of Asher and to please bless us with another baby soon.  God listens to children first, so I hope Olivia gets her prayers answered too.

Courage

I wish I had the courage to ask for help without feeling weak.

I wish I had the courage to ask someone to come sit and just cry with me.

I wish I had the courage to speak my mind and tell what I really feel, without the worry of being judged.

I wish someone could take my pain away.

I wish I knew what God's Plan was.

I wish I knew everything would be alright.

I wish I knew I wasn't going to lose another baby.

I wish I had a baby in my arms right now.

I wish I knew when I would get pregnant again and that things would work out this time.

I wish Asher were here.

I wish I knew why me and not them.

Instead I just lay on my bed and cry alone.

God's Plan

I am trying to find words to type today.  I just watched a sweet video of memories of a sweet child who was also taken from her family too soon.  She passed away one year ago today and her family is in my thoughts and prayers today.  I don't know how they survived a year I really don't.  I am close to staring that year down.  But I don't want it to be a year.  I just want my baby back.  I don't want to have to think that it has been 365 days since I held him.  I don't want to think about if I want to see him I go visit his grave.  I think about him so much.  And the pain is still so great.  I read about people who are counting down to baby on Facebook and I just think that how much can change in those short days.  I was four days away from going to the hospital to be induced.  FOUR days was all it took to having so much more happiness.  Instead I got two days and a whole bunch of heartache.  I know others have pains and heartache, but most times it feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one else "gets" it.  I do my best and that is all I can give right now.  They say time heals but I think time is the enemy.

Chris and I have been talking a lot lately about God's Plan for us.  We have no clue what it is.  I just wish for a glimpse of what he is thinking about.  Will I have another baby maybe more?  Tell me when that will happen God because right now I just have so much pain.  I just want to know everything is going to be alright.  I am sure if Asher were here, there would be other things that are troubling me, but nothing really matters any more.  I don't care if my house isn't clean or what people think of me.  I just want to be holding a baby in my arms.  This has changed me greatly.  And if that has changed your opinion of me then fine.  I am thankful for those who ask me how I am doing.  It always makes me cry when I think about those who ask.  I wouldn't say they are the ones who I would least expect it from, but it is always a surprise.  It may make me cry but I really do appreciate those who care.  I am thankful for all the prayers.

We are staring another holiday in the face.  Easter won't be easy.  I still have trouble going to church so I am sure Easter church will be no different.  I try to put on a happy face for Olivia.  I want her to have the best Easter she can possibly have.  I will go to the family thing, but it's really hard for me to talk to people and pretend like I am enjoying myself when I'm hurting so much inside.  This was supposed to be Asher's first Easter and he would probably be crawling to find those eggs.  I am sure Olivia would be helping him find them.  Instead I had to give him Easter eggs at his grave.

March Maddness

This is the time of year I normally love.  It's college basketball's March Maddness tournament.  But this year it just isn't something I look forward to.  Sure I am watching the games, but it just doesn't have the appeal as it normally would for me.  Since I lost Asher nothing really matters any more.  The things I once loved simply don't mean anything.  I still do something things like read because there isn't anything else to do with my time.  I just think about when I was pregnant ordering the UNC onesie's for Asher that I knew would be fitting him right now in anticipation for March Maddness and now they sit downstairs in a box.  I don't know if anyone will ever wear them.  It just makes me so sad.  We are trying to have another baby, but it seems like every month it's another let down.  My body is failing us and I'm letting my family down all over again.

I know I'm stressed and I don't know how to take it away.  My left eye has been twitching for a couple months now and I don't know why.  I guess it could be the stress.  All I really want to do is stay in bed.  If I can't stay in bed I just want to stay home all day everyday.  It takes everything I have to leave the house in the morning to go to work.  I some how put on a happy face when I take Olivia to daycare.  I know she is in good hands there but it makes me so sad to leave her and miss all that time with her.  I just worry something bad will happen to her.  I just pray to be blessed with another baby, so she will have someone to grow up with.

I went shopping with my mom today which I love to do.  I bought Olivia her Easter dress.  Shopping for little clothes always makes me sad.  I so want to be buying little boy clothes for Asher.  I want to buy baby clothes so bad.  I just feel if I do I will some how curse myself.  I know as soon as I get pregnant again I am going to want to buy something for the baby growing inside of me, but how can I?  I am ruined into that blissful happiness of being pregnant.  We had so much stuff bought for Asher that is not sitting downstairs in a box. 

Everytime I go some where or do something I always think back to last year or to before I lost Asher.  I was at Wesleyan with my mom a few weeks ago and all I could think about was when I was pregnant with Asher and went for an interview at the Library there.  Then there is some resruarant that my mom and I ate at the day I heard Asher's heart beat for the last time.  Then today my mom had to go to Saint Elizabeth hospital to pick up something, and I couldn't even step foot in that place.  I lost Asher there and then the last time I was there I had to have a D & C when I had my miscarriage.  Everytime I take a shower in my house I think of the day I went into labor.  Everytime I am in the bathroom at work I also think of that day.  I guess those things will always haunt me.

I am still so sad and I don't know how to make things better.  I have cried everyday sime I lost Asher.  Olivia says she is worried about me and I hate that she is so young and has to worry about her mommy.  I know she deserves a happy mommy and I show her all the love in the world but losing Asher had such a huge impact on my life.  They say time will heal this, but I don't believe it for a second.  I will NEVER get over this, it has changed who I am to the core.  I just hope people can understand and be patient with me as I grieve and try to figure out who I am and where I am going.  I am doing my best and that's all I can do right now.  That may mean I need some time alone, I may need to cry at work or just sit in the quiet.  Just know I am doing the best I can.  I am not sure how I am supposed to act.  I just feel what I feel and I can't change that.  I just pray we will be blessed with a baby soon so I have something to shift my focus and give me some hope again.  But my baby Asher will always be in my heart and thoughts.  There really isn't a second that goes by that I don't think of him.  And maybe I am a bit crazy, but I talk to him everyday too.  And touch and kiss his picture before bed every night.  He will forever and always be my sweet little angel.

Saddness in the Nighttime

Things have not been that great for me this week.  I have to wait another month to get what I so long for.  I am missing Asher like crazy.  The worst time for me is at night at bed time.  I lay Olivia down to sleep and just imagine that I will never get to put Asher to bed.  Night time is supposed to be filled with more than just putting Olivia to bed or giving her a bath, I am supposed to be doing those things with Asher too.  Maybe it is the dark or the quiet of the night.  I also know that with another night time is another day since I have lost Asher and will never get him back.  It's another day gone and another day since I last seen his sweet face.

Last night Olivia looked up at me and told me she loved me and I love to hear those words, but then I think I will never get to hear Asher says those words to me.  I will never get to hear him cry or see him smile.  I will never get to see him crawl or take those first steps.  At least not here on Earth.  I don't know what Heaven is like or what he is doing there.  It is just so hard for me to think about that in the midst of all my grief.

Grieving and being so sad is hard work.  It makes me tired and sometimes even physically ill.  Last night was particularly bad for me.  I'm not sure why.  I was crying a lot and Chris and Olivia came in to comfort me.  I don't know what I would do without them.  They are the reason I get up in the morning even though I would rather not.  They will keep me going too. 

It's just so hard to miss something you looked forward to for nine long months.  Asher was days away from being born and in my arms.  I just think back to when I told my doctor I wanted to have him the week before when I was feeling pain.  I just wish I could have had them that day.  Just to know he was alright a couple days before I went into labor is just too much for me to think about most time, but it is the only thing I can think about.  I just want to hold him in my arms again.  I want to be able to watch him grow and I feel like that was all taken away from me.  Sometimes I feel like it is a bad dream I am waiting to wake up from.  The sad part is, is that it's been over seven months and I haven't woken up yet.

I just want a baby in my arms.  I know that is hard for some people to hear because I should be happy with what I have.  I love my daughter very much, but I just want another baby.  I know it won't solve everything, but part of me thinks it will help.  I know I am putting too much pressure on myself and I am way to stressed out about things, but I don't know how to be/feel anything different.  I am who I am.  It is hard for me to talk about my feelings.  It is easier for me to write about them.  That is why I write this blog.  I am not trying to worry anyone, but this is how I feel and I am going to write what I feel knowing that people read this.

I know others have been through losses and I don't wish my pain on anyone, but I still feel like no one really knows what this is all like.  They are not in the middle of it like I am.  It sucks and I want it to end but I only feel what I feel and right now happiness is not even close to what I am feeling.  Will medicine help me?  I don't know.  Part of me does not want to mask what I am feeling.  I know it is not good to try and hide your grief, and that I must work through all my thoughts and feelings.  It just seems like if I make a little progress something else happens to send me tumbling backwards. 

So anyway it's another month that I am not pregnant.  And I only have one more chance to get a baby in my arms by the end of this year.  Let's hope it all works out. 

It's been another week, another week since we lost Asher.  It is still not any easier for me and something that happened on Friday that kind of makes me feel like I started the grieving process all over again.  Asher's stone was put into place at the cemetery.  Chris and I went to visit him after we dropped of Olivia at daycare on Friday and was shocked to see that his stone was there.  We had no clue that it was going to be there.  I broke down.  I don't know why, but it kind of finalized things for me, but not in a good way.  I mean I know he is not coming back, but now there is something permanent there.  The headstone turned out beautiful.  It was everything we picked out.  Not that I remember much about the day we picked it out.  Just like I don't remember much about his funeral.  I remember planning his funereal and just sitting there with no clue what to do.  We were asked what music did we want sang, what bible versus did we want read?  I had no clue.  I was still in shock and I wasn't supposed to be doing this.  I was supposed to be bringing my baby home from the hospital, not planning his funeral.

I remember at the time being asked if I wanted to funereal video taped.  We said no, we thought it would be too hard to have that video in our hands.  But looking back I wish it would have been taped.  Not that I would ever watch it, but maybe I would many years later.  I don't remember anything of that day really.  Just the pain and crying for my baby.  I know that Olivia probably doesn't remember any of it either, and I would like to have the video for her to see some day if she wants to.  I wish Olivia got to hold her brother too.  I will never ever get past that regret I don't think.  There are also many more things that I regret.  I guess I am going to have to learn to live with them, because they are not things I can change now.

We took Olivia to see Asher's stone and she like it.  And then she looked at us and said, "Asher is just so cute."  And he was.  In the picture you will see a little baby laying in angel wings and part of me things Olivia thinks that is Asher.  Because every time we go to see him, she gives that baby in the angel wings a kiss and tells him she loves him.  It really melts a mommy's heart.  I just wish they could have grown up together.  I just hope that someday Olivia can grow up with a sibling.

We talk to Olivia alot about Asher and we will continue to do so.  I want her to know that we are a special family because we have an angel in our family who is in heaven.  When she recites the people in her family she always says Asher too, and that is the way it should be.  I don't ever want her to feel about that we lost Asher or be ashamed of him.  Maybe some parents or people would think we need to hide this horrible event from their children, but I think she needs to know.  I knew all my life as far back as I can remember that I had a twin sister who died too.  It is important to me that she knows who Asher was and is.  That way he will never be forgotten.