The Day My LIfe Changed FOREVER

It was like any other Friday at work, busy and I was excited because in four days I would be bringing my sweet baby boy into this world.  But my back hurt and it hurt a lot.  So I called my doctor and he told me to go home and rest.  It ended up I was in labor I was so excited.  It was July 20, 2012 the day my world was shattered along with my hopes, dreams, and heart.  Chris made it home and we headed for the hospital excited to meet our baby boy.  When we got to the hospital the nurse hooked me up to the machine and tried to find the heartbeat and couldn't.  I started to get really scared.  She asked when was the last time I had felt him move and to my hearts dismay I could not answer that question.  So she called my doctor to come in for an ultrasound.  When he showed up he did the ultrasound and said those words that to this day still haunt me.

"This baby is not alive."  I broke down I could breath I felt like I had been punched.  How could this be, I just heard his heartbeat two days ago.  I was in shock and pain (physical and emotional).  Nine months for nothing.  Surely there was some mistake.  How could this possibly be true?  I was in full blown labor and had to deliver a baby for NOTHING!  I couldn't even take him home.  Family came and we cried and cried.  Then at 6:48 pm I delivered my angel Asher James.  He was perfect.  When the doctor laid him in my arms it looked like he should just take a breath.  But he wasn't going to.  I was in shock and remained that way for a week or more.

We had a nice funeral for him, much of wish I don't remember.  I know it was hot.  I now have to go visit my son at the cemetery which isn't fair.  Once the shock wore off I was sad, depressed and super angry with the world.  And at that same time is when it felt like all the people left.  We were alone to deal with this.  Now I know people were still there, but they weren't there.  They were moving on when I was standing still.  Olivia knew mommy was sad and she would wipe away my tears.

It's not been almost five months and in those five months we suffered another loss when I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago.  I again went through shock.  This was suppsed to be my hope to get me through the holidays and I was supposed to have my baby when Asher would have turned one.  And now all that was shattered.  I again am angry.  Angry with my body for not telling me something was wrong with Asher.  Angry that it couldn't give me the baby I wanted so bad now.  My arms are still empty when they are supposed to be full of baby.  I am still SUPER angry with God for doing this to my family.  What have we ever done to deserve this?  I still have a hard time going to church because that was the last place I seen my sweet previous baby.  I know it's important to go, I just can't do it yet.

Olivia has been my savior although she isn't getting the best mommy she deserves.  I am sad most of the time and she sees me cry very often.  She knows mommy is sad and that Asher is an angel.  I talk to her about him often.  She loves him and I just wish she could have helped raise her little brother.

I still feel very alone in all of this.  People just don't understand how much pain I am in.  It takes all I have to get out of bed in the morning.  It would be so much easier just to sleep all day long.  But I get up for Olivia.  I do everything for Olivia and Chris even when I don't want to.  I hope next year is better for us.  I really need a baby to help my heart heal a little better.  There is so much more I would like to say, but writing all this has made me exhausted.  You can follow my blog or not, I'm not going to sugar coat things here.  I feel how I feel and I can't change that, and I have been told it's not good to mask what we really feel.  It's real, it's life, it isn't the one I would have chosen for my family, but it happened.  And somehow in all of this I need to try and find peace and acceptance with what life has handed me.  So maybe by writing it will help.  We will see.