All the "firsts"

Too many firsts are coming up for me.  First off it's not a good day, it's so filled with saddness as today my little angel Asher would have been five months old.  It is also the first snow fall.  And I hate snow to begin with, but I hate it even more right now.  I coudln't go see Asher like I do every morning before work.  And while I know Asher is safe and warm up in heaven, I can't  help but think of the snow covered his grave and his little body down there in the cold ground.   I just wish he was here safe in my arms.

Christmas is also almost here, another first for me to get through.  We have many ornaments for Asher on our tree and I look at them every night.  I also am going to go see my baby on Christmas with a special gift we bought as a family for him.  It is a toy he would now be old enough to play with.  Makes me sad that he will never get to play with it.  I hope Christmas in heaven is wonderful for him and I hope some how he can show me he is thinking of his mommy. 

I go through spells when I am just so angry I want to scream and yell and throw things and break things.  Today is one of those days.  I sometimes get the feeling that others think I shouldn't feel as sad because I already have Olivia.  Like someone losing Asher shouldn't be that bad.  Well I tell you what it still hurts like hell.  I may have Olivia to care for and love but I still grieve and I still feel pain from losing him.  All the progress I may have made in the short months since he left us was blown away with my miscarriage.  And even though I wasn't very far along it was my hope for the new years just shattered all over again.  Some may not even think of it as a baby.  Well it was to me and my family.  If it wasn't a baby to you, then why did I have to decide where to bury my baby?   Nothing about this holiday is going to be easy.  If you see before then you might even see the tears in my eyes.  When I'm quiet I'm thinking of my Asher.  He is never far from my thoughts and he is always in my heart.

There are many things that I'm angry about right now.  I am angry God took my baby.  I am angry I am not pregnant right now.  I am angry that I will not have a baby in my arms when Asher turns one.  I am angry Olivia will almost be four when I hope to have my next baby.  I didn't want my kids to be spaced out so far.  I am angry I have to go through Christmas without Asher.

People try to make it better, and they can't right now.  I wish someone could just "get it."  But I know they can't because they have not been through what I have.  And even if they have lost a baby, they do not have the same background as me and every loss is surrounded by different circumstances.  So don't try to get me, just offer support and space when I need it.

Someone days I wake up and just wish for one day I didn't have to feel this pain.  I just need a break from it.  But that doesn't happen.  I won't feel hope again until I am pregnant and I know things are going well.  Olivia keeps me going, but she is two and wants to be so independent, which is good, but all I want is a baby to cuddle and take care of, and she wants none of that most of the time.

While most people are happy this time of year, others are not, me included.  So don't expect me to be.  It's not going to be a good Christmas because I didn't get what I wanted.  Maybe you think I'm selfish, whatever think what you want.  I will survive it i'm sure, but I don't have to enjoy it.  I will go through the motions like I do every other day and this "first" will come and go.  And it will be followed by all the other "firsts" that I mush over come.