Well I survived Christmas. It wasn't easy that's for sure. I cried a lot, but I cry everyday so really nothing was new there. I just wish Asher could have been with us. Christmas Eve church was probably the hardest. But going to church is not easy for me since the funeral. I just guess I think of church as being the last place I seen my sweet baby's face. Every song at church made me cry and singing Silent Night by candle light really made me cry. My tears put out my candle at the beginning of the song and it pretty much summed up how I felt. Standing all alone in the dark with no light in my candle surrounded by all the other "happy" people with there light buring. It was hard to hear all the babies and see all the smiling faces when I feel so depressed. Olivia got me through Christmas because I could always look at her happy face. Chris and I went to see Asher on Christmas Day, I wanted the whole family to go, but since it was below zero Chris and I just went out there. We took him a little toy truck. Asher is the only one I told Merry Christmas too this year.
I am actually kind of looking forward to ringing in the new year because then I can say f*** you 2012. I hope 2013 is much better and am really praying for a baby by next Christmas. I just hope God is listening this time, because I prayed for Asher and he died and I prayed for my other pregnancy and I miscarried. I just want to yell at God and ask him why he isn't listening to me. I know everyone says he has a plan for me, well so far I don't like it much. I have it all planned out in my head about when I need to get pregnant by. I go to the doctor on Wednesday just to make sure everything is going ok. I also have to see a high risk doctor soon. I just can't go through another loss so I hope everything works out this time.
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