The Best I Can

As I sit here to type this I am on day two of one of the worst headaches I have had in a long time.  I am not sure what causes them, but I'm guessing stress and hormones.  The medicine I was given by my doctor really hasn't helped.  But I know they make me sick to my stomach and I feel like someone has taken a baseball bat to my head when I stand and walk.  I really hope it goes away soon.

I guess when I thought of what to write I just wanted to say that I am doing the best I can given the circumstances I have been given.  Now maybe I'm throwing myself a pity party and I know others who have problems in their lives, but right in the here and now I am focused on three things in my life.  One is making sure Olivia knows she is loved and that I want her to experience everything she possibly can.  Second is I am focused on my pregnancy and third I am focused on grieving for Asher.  Some may think that just because I am pregnant that I have stopped grieving.  And that is so far from the truth.  I miss Asher with all of my being.  Whether it's been a year or five years I am always going to miss him.  I will never get over his death.

I am trying to be the best parent I can be to Olivia, but it makes me sad that she has to know so much about life and death at such a young age.  She has been talking a lot about Asher lately.  She cries and says she misses him.  I told her it was ok to miss Asher and still have fun and be happy and that it was also ok to cry.  I told her it is ok for her to tell people that she misses Asher.  I also wanted her to know that just because there is a baby in my tummy that we would still miss Asher after this baby comes.  I hate that I go into her room several times I night to see if she is still breathing.  Maybe other parents do that too, but I still have a fear that God is going to take her from me too.

Stress has played a big part of my life the last year and a half.  I don't do well with it and I hate that I stress about everything.  Most days I don't want to leave the house because I know what stress is out there.  I just wish I could work from home and not have to deal with others.  All in life I care about now is my family.  I want to see Olivia every second of the day.  I know stress of work and such is not good on my body or the baby I am carrying.  I don't know what to do about it.  I can't afford to quit.  I just wish people realized how much of a strain it is on me.  I am doing the best I can with what I have been given.  Not everyone has experience losing two children like I have.  Some may not even consider my miscarriage losing a child, but I do.  I am blessed to be pregnant again, but I am so terrified I can't enjoy it.  Every twinge my body makes freaks me out.  I am scared every time I go to the doctor and have an ultrasound that there will be no heartbeat.  I pray to God multiple times a day to please let me bring this live healthy baby home with me.  Because if something bad happens again I don't know what it will do to me.  And I don't know what it will do to my family.  I know I can't handle it.

I am almost 17 weeks along and the baby is doing good.  It has a strong heartbeat and growing like it should.  But when I hear that all I can think of was so was Asher.  Asher had the best heartbeat two days before he went to heaven.  So until I hear this baby cry I don't think I can feel any joy.  I start seeing a high risk doctor on September 30th.  He will do an in depth scan to make sure everything looks good with the baby including the umbilical cord and my fluid level.  So please pray all of that goes well.  When I reach 17 weeks I only have 20 more weeks to go.  My doctor said I will deliver at 37 weeks if not before if I have complications.  I really just want to live at the hospital so I can be monitored 24/7.  I am starting to feel the baby move a little bit and Olivia and Chris love to listen to the baby.  My doctor tried to take me down to one shot of progesterone a week but that didn't work so I'm back to two shots a week now.  That also causes stress because they are expensive.  I'm sure everything will work out in the end but I just have to worry about so much. 

Three pregnancies in two years has taken a toll on my body as well.  My back is not good.  When I had back surgery that doctor said pregnancy will ruin it all over again.  But I will suffer if I get to bring this baby home.  I am so blessed to even be pregnant for the fourth time.  According to my doctor due to my endemetrosis history and surgeries I am super lucky to even have gotten pregnant once.  So I guess I am doing the best I can with what I have been given.  I hope people understand that.

Losing Asher has really made me see who the important people are in my life.  I have friends who are now more like family then some family has been.  I may have lost some friends I'm not sure, but I know the ones who haven't left me and are always there for me when I need them.  There are also some who I thought would be more "there" for me than they have been.  And maybe they don't know what to say but you don't have to say anything just ask how I am doing.  I am sure if everything works out with this pregnancy and this baby they will be there to share my joy, which is fine, but where were you when I needed you in my darkest days?  Where were you when I was grieving the loss of Asher?  It takes a couple seconds to send a text message or e-mail.  Then you don't even have to hear my voice or see my tears.

I am doing the best I can with what I have been given so don't judge me.

Rainbow Baby

A "Rainbow Baby" is a (miracle) baby conceived after the loss of another child.

"Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.

Almost Fall

So it has been awhile since I have wrote.  I guess I just needed a break.  The summer has gone quickly.  I still am trying to beleive that Asher has been gone for over a year (13 months) already.  I still visit him almost everyday.  I know he is watching out for us and wants to see me happy.  I do cry less than I used to.  I still find it hard to have any good days.  I would say I am really just going with the flow and living right now.  Of course Olivia keeps me really busy.  She didn't really have a terrible two stage, but I think she has a little bit of the terrible three's.  So we are working on not talking back and listening.  I don't spank her and I will never spank her.  I am not against it, I just won't do it to my child.  So she gets time out.  It seems to work well for her.

Olivia will keep me busy in the weeks to come.  She will start dance class again in Lincoln on September 9th.  We are really excited for that.  It will be every Monday until May and then we will get to see her in a recital.  I can't wait to see that.  Olivia will also be started Sunday School.  She is really excited for that too.  I also might be a Sunday School teacher.  So we will see how that goes.

The other big news for us is I'm expecting again.  This has brought about a lot of emotions.  We are of course very excited about it, but also terrified beyond words.  There are times when I feel guilty about being pregnant again.  I know Asher is happy for us and he is watching down on us.  A baby after a loss is called a rainbow baby.  And I know Asher is watching out for us, because the day after Asher's birthday Chris and I were leaving the cemetery after visisting him (the day before my first ultrasound) and what do we see but a beautiful rainbow in the sky.  I believe Asher sent that too us to tell us that everything was going to be ok.

Of course with this pregnancy I have a lot of anxiety.  Every back ache or pain in my side makes me worry that something bad is going to happen.  But so far things are going good.  This week will mark me being 14 weeks pregnant.  We have seen the baby 3 times on ultrasounds.  My doctor is taking extra special care of me.  Which includes shots twice a week and medicine every night to make sure my hormone levels stay in check.  I am not sure how long I will have to do all that, but it could be the entire time, which is fine with me.  As long as I get to bring a live, healthy, baby home at the end of all this things will be great.  I will also be going to see a high risk doctor soon so he can also watch to make sure things are going as planned.  My due date if around February 27th, but my doctor thought I would have the baby around February 10th.  I will try to keep everyone updated here on my blog.  I am not sure how much I will post on Facebook becaues I know how horrible it can be to see all the pregnancy updates and pictures of new babies when you have just experienced a loss.  It sucks to see it actually.  It can make you angry and sad all over again.  So I am going to try not to do that.  I am lucky to belong to a couple groups of women who are pregnant again after suffering a loss.  It is very helpful to speak our minds there because they truly know what I am going through and feel just the way I do.

So until my next update please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers that everything goes well for us.  We truly want to bring this baby home.  I need to have something in my arms again. 

A Year Ago Today.... Part 5

Well a year ago today was probably the second worst day of my life.  Today was the day I had to lay my sweet beautiful baby to rest.  A year ago today would have been his funeral and the last day I would see his beautiful face in person.  I don't remember a whole lot from the actual day.  I know I cried a lot and a lot of people were at the church to pay there respects and to say goodbye to Asher.  The night before the funereal we had a viewing just for family.  That was so hard for me.  I got to see Asher for the first time since I left him at the hospital.  I hated seeing him in the casket.  He was so small and innocent.  I remember breaking down and just scream Why my baby?  I just wanted my baby back.

Looking back I wish we would of had the funereal on DVD.  We were asked if we wanted to but we said no.  I don't know if I would ever watch it again, but it would be nice to have.  I remember Jesus Loves Me was one of the songs.  And really the only other thing I remember was Olivia pooped during the funereal.  I know that is a crazy thing to remember, but that is what I do remember.

The cemetery was so hot and the grass was so dry.  Where the ground was mounded over his little body that day is now flat.  His headstone is in place.  I still go and visit him almost everyday.  It's how I feel close to him.

The physical pain of giving birth wasn't too bad, but the emotional pain was so great.  I remember taking pain medication.  Trying to take the pain away from my heart.  But it never worked.  It did help me sleep a little bit, but it never took the pain away.  The pain is still here and still great.

It still hurts to see the babies on Facebook.  I just think how could all these women have healthy babies.  Why did mine die?  How come I have to be different?  I just want to be happy like them.  When is it going to be my turn to hear my newborn baby cry?  Everyone makes it look so easy.  And it should be easy.  Why do I have to work so hard to get to bring a baby home?  I hope my family will get what is wishes and longs for soon.  We just want that baby crying to come home with us.

A Year Ago Today... Part 4

A year ago today, I had to do another thing that no parent should ever have to do.  I had to plan a funeral.  It was the day I was supposed to be bringing my baby home from the hospital.  But instead I had to go plan his funereal.  I didn't know the first thing about planning a funereal.  I was a mess.  I was still numb and in shock.

Chris and I were lucky to have the support we did because otherwise we never would have made it.  We had to plan out the music for his funeral what day we wanted it and everything.  It was so hard.  There really isn't much about that day I really remember.  I know we were constantly surrounded by family.  I remember just wanting to sleep in my bed and to wake up from the nightmare.  But I never woke up, and in a couple too short days I had to lay my baby to rest.

A Year Ago Today... Part 3

It was one year ago today that I left the hospital.  I was supposed to be leaving the hospital with a sweet baby boy in my arms.  Instead I left the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart.  I remember it was the longest, quietest ride home from Lincoln ever.  My arms physically ached from not having a baby in them.  I was numb and in shock by everything that had happened.

I remember before leaving the hospital breaking down and crying in the bed just horrible sobs.  And Olivia climbing up on my bed and hugging me and wiping away my tears and telling me that everything was going to be alright.  She is such a sweet girl.  And yesterday when I broke down in those same sobs she hugged me and wiped away my tears and told me that everything was going to be ok.  I hope so Olivia I really do.  It is just still so hard to not have Asher here.

I remember holding Asher for the last time and the nurse taking him away.  Chris had gone to get the car and she asked if I wanted to see him one last time.  She took me to another room and he was just laying there so still and so quiet.  Right then and there I had to leave my baby at the hospital and I had to go home with nothing.  No mother should have to do that.  Saying goodbye was so hard.  I wanted Asher so bad.

Today we had a family picnic for Asher and it was nice to be with family.  Olivia caught her first fish and was so happy.  I am sure Asher was looking down on her just smiling.  I hope my Grandpa Scurto and my sister Stephanie gave Asher the best birthday party ever in heaven.

A Year Ago Today... Part 2

525,600 minutes and 365 days, that is how long it has been since my sweet Asher came into this world so quiet.  It is a day I have been dreading for a long time.  I still don't understand how this could happen to me and my family.  I don't understand why perfect babies have to die.  I am not and probably never will be the same person I woke up as on July 20, 2012.  That day has changed me.  I still don't know if it is for the better or not.

The sadness and grief still consumes most of my days.  I have cried almost everyday for a straight year.  It usually at night when the quiet house gets to me.  It's not supposed to be this quiet.  It is quiet just like the delivery room was that night.  It was 6:57 p.m. that Asher was born.  I didn't get to hear him cry or take his first breath.  That utter horrible silence was preceded by the words that still rock my world.  "This baby is not alive."  Those five words will forever be ingrained into my mind.  They are the words I fear again.

There was no reason for Asher to die.  He was perfect in every way.  I wish I could have heard his first cry and seen his first smile.  Those are all things others may take for granted.  But I guarantee if we are ever blessed with a baby again those will be the things we cherish the most.

In this year I would have given anything to have those sleepless nights.  I would have given anything to change those stinky diapers.  Instead all I got was a body who knew it had had a baby.  I got the milk that I would never be able to feed my baby because he was gone. 

I hope Asher had a good birthday in heaven.  We tired to make it special for him on earth.  We took him balloons and made him cupcakes. Olivia sang to him and we released a balloon to him, which was so sad.  Tomorrow we will get together as a family to remember my sweet baby boy.