As you all know the change of season is a very hard time for me. I still haven't put my finger on why though. Is it because it will soon be darker earlier, the colder weather? We all know when it's dark our minds wonder, or at least mine does. I started a new job at a hospital and like it or not we talk about death sometimes, not because it happens, but because everyone has a story of some sort. They know my story. I know I wear Asher on my sleeve he is just as important to me as Saige and Olivia so I talk about him all the time too. Now sometimes I can talk about him and be fine and others the water works will fall. But the other day I brought up how I sometimes think about what is harder expected death or unexpected.
Expected death you can kind of plan for like it or not. You know it's going to happen, you are just not sure when. I remember when my grandpa was on hospice and really sick the anticipation of him dying was so hard. It was almost harder than when he actually did pass away. I know once he was gone he was in God's hands and he was not sick and in pain anymore. But those days and weeks leading up to that "relief" was hard. In the back of my mind I was always thinking is today the day I will get the call that he is gone. Will I get time to say goodbye. How am I going to tell Olivia. Sure once he was gone it was also super hard but we knew he was in a better place.
Unexpected death is very different. Like in the case with Asher. I had no clue. I was not prepared to hear those words, "This baby is not alive." It like your body and mind goes into shock. How do you deal, how do you possibly prepare after the most horrific thing that can possibly happen to a mother does. I remember planning his funeral, which by the way no parent should have to do especially one who wasn't even 30 yet. I had no idea how to plan a funeral. I remember them asking me questions and I would just look to my mom and dad because I didn't know. I was so young, sure I had experience death before but nothing like this. Nothing prepares you for this. It doesn't even really sink in that it has happened for a least a week. I remember my arms literally aching for something to hold onto. It's after everyone goes home and their lives go back to normal that it really hits home. You are left with a new normal like it or not and it's not fair.
I still get jealous of women who have baby boys. I still feel like mine was stolen from me, that I was robbed of the chance to raise a baby boy. Olivia asked me the other day why God stole my baby, and I had no answer. I will never know. I can't help how I feel it just happens sometimes. I don't know what God has in store for me, I don't know if I will get the chance to raise a baby boy. I hope so.
We wake up every day trying to solve the whys in life and for some of us we will never have an answer.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Thursday, May 21, 2015
A Different Kind of Grief
Well there has been so much going on the last few months. It seems like since February it has been one thing after another. Chris's grandpa died in February and we traveled to Iowa for the funeral. After we got back Olivia got sick and ended up in the hospital for dehydration. She wouldn't eat or drink for days and if she did she couldn't keep it down. It was so scary to see my little girl so sick and in the hospital. I hated to see her cry when they had to take blood and put in an IV. I know how much it hurts. Then the day Olivia got out of the hospital Saige was taken to the doctor and she had the chicken pox. Then the following Monday Saige was still really sick so I took her back to the doctor and she tested positive for Influenza. It was a crazy February and we were very happy when it was over.
The car trouble started sometime in there and I don't remember how it all went, but we ended up getting a different car and have had trouble with it too.
April came and we seen my grandpa getting sicker and sicker with cancer. It broke my heart to see him so sick. I knew it was going to be so hard on Olivia when the time came for him to go to Heaven. She loved him so much and they were best buds. My grandpa loved Olivia and Saige so much. One of the last things I remember was Saige giving him a ride in his life chair and he was barely awake and I told her to stop and he woke up and said let her play. We were with him for his final hours and we had just left when he went peacefully in his sleep. I was glad he did not have to suffer any more.
Olivia took it hard and I don't think Saige really knew what was going on. We had a lot of family time and we are spending as much time as possible with my grandma like we always have. It has been a different grief process for me. With Asher it was so sudden and I was in such shock and I was hurting so bad. This time we knew it was coming and it was so hard waiting for the time to come. I just can't imagine what my grandma is going through. To wake up with the same person for all those years to all of a sudden to have them gone. I felt myself not only grieving for myself but also for my grandma and for Olivia. She knew what was going on. I love how she will bring up Papa, Asher, and my sister Stephanie on a daily basis. We talk about what they are going up there in Heaven. When it rains she always they are jumping in puddles. Olivia also decided the first thing Papa and Asher did was go fishing. Olivia has had some tough questions because we have talked about how Papa is no longer sick up in Heaven, which prompted her to ask if Asher and Stephanie are still babies in Heaven or if they grow up. I told her I do not know the answer to that and that she needs to ask our pastor. We will see what she says.
I loved hearing all the stories about my grandpa, some of the things I didn't even know he did. It was a time to see family that I haven't seen in awhile. But now life is getting back to normal and it is hard because I remember how everyone went home and life went on after Asher died, but my life had changed forever and it is the same for my grandma. It reminds me of this article and the title was I went to a funeral and then I went home..., but for someone when they went home it was different.
It is now May and it has been three weeks since my grandpa has passed and a lot has happened. And I know he is looking down on us smiling. He watched Olivia turn 5 years old and have her Frozen birthday party (thank you for not letting it rain on her party), he has watched her go to her last day of pre-kindergarten and he will be there when she starts kindergarten in August.
Life changes, but we just need to remember that they are always there.
The car trouble started sometime in there and I don't remember how it all went, but we ended up getting a different car and have had trouble with it too.
April came and we seen my grandpa getting sicker and sicker with cancer. It broke my heart to see him so sick. I knew it was going to be so hard on Olivia when the time came for him to go to Heaven. She loved him so much and they were best buds. My grandpa loved Olivia and Saige so much. One of the last things I remember was Saige giving him a ride in his life chair and he was barely awake and I told her to stop and he woke up and said let her play. We were with him for his final hours and we had just left when he went peacefully in his sleep. I was glad he did not have to suffer any more.
Olivia took it hard and I don't think Saige really knew what was going on. We had a lot of family time and we are spending as much time as possible with my grandma like we always have. It has been a different grief process for me. With Asher it was so sudden and I was in such shock and I was hurting so bad. This time we knew it was coming and it was so hard waiting for the time to come. I just can't imagine what my grandma is going through. To wake up with the same person for all those years to all of a sudden to have them gone. I felt myself not only grieving for myself but also for my grandma and for Olivia. She knew what was going on. I love how she will bring up Papa, Asher, and my sister Stephanie on a daily basis. We talk about what they are going up there in Heaven. When it rains she always they are jumping in puddles. Olivia also decided the first thing Papa and Asher did was go fishing. Olivia has had some tough questions because we have talked about how Papa is no longer sick up in Heaven, which prompted her to ask if Asher and Stephanie are still babies in Heaven or if they grow up. I told her I do not know the answer to that and that she needs to ask our pastor. We will see what she says.
I loved hearing all the stories about my grandpa, some of the things I didn't even know he did. It was a time to see family that I haven't seen in awhile. But now life is getting back to normal and it is hard because I remember how everyone went home and life went on after Asher died, but my life had changed forever and it is the same for my grandma. It reminds me of this article and the title was I went to a funeral and then I went home..., but for someone when they went home it was different.
It is now May and it has been three weeks since my grandpa has passed and a lot has happened. And I know he is looking down on us smiling. He watched Olivia turn 5 years old and have her Frozen birthday party (thank you for not letting it rain on her party), he has watched her go to her last day of pre-kindergarten and he will be there when she starts kindergarten in August.
Life changes, but we just need to remember that they are always there.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
What a Week
What a week it has been. We started out our long extended week last Friday when we had to take a trip to Iowa for Chris's grandpa's funeral. The funeral was on Saturday. It was a hard time for all. It was the first funeral that I have been to since Asher died. At times I felt like I wasn't sad enough. I mean I was sad but I know that Chris's grandpa lived a long and amazing life. I also know that losing Asher was the most painful thing I have had to go through so far in life. And it could very well be the most painful. He didn't get a chance to live. I didn't get a chance to make any memories with Asher, which is hard for me to deal with sometimes. I think Olivia did ok with the funeral. I found her at one point just looking at her great grandpa in his casket. I was going to ask her what she was thinking but then she was off and running with the kids again.
We got back Saturday night from Iowa and we started off Sunday morning with Olivia throwing up. She was sick all day long. I am not even sure she ate or drank anything that day. Monday she was still feeling yucky so I kept her home. Monday night she was acting better and playing with Saige as opposed to laying in bed which she did all day Sunday and part of Monday. Tuesday morning we were all geared up to send her back to school. She even made herself breakfast. Ten minutes after eating she was throwing up again. I knew it was time to take her to the doctor. Before leaving for the doctor I was changing Saige and noticed she had what I thought was a pimple on her stomach. I didn't think anything of it and I took her to my grandma's while I took Olivia to the doctor.
The doctor said Olivia looked awful. She was very dehydrated. They wanted to give her IV fluids at the office but they were not going to try to find a vein in her. So off to the hospital we went. We were admitted to Bryan hospital. Olivia's blood sugar was 50 so they gave her a lollipop to eat on the way. I told Olivia what was going to happen at the hospital because I didn't want her to have any surprises. It is so horrible watching your child have to get their blood drawn and an IV in. Olivia screamed and I cried right along with her. I have never heard her scream like she did when they put the IV in. Once all the was done they left her alone. She looked so tiny and frail in that big hospital bed. She wouldn't eat or drink anything Tuesday night at the hospital. She ended up getting four bags of fluid and one of potassium and sugar to get her to perk up. She finally started eating and drinking on Wednesday. I was worried she would have to stay another night, but she finally was able to keep food down.
While in the hospital with Olivia, my mom and Chris were taking care of Saige. My mom asked me if Saige had spots the last time I seen her. I said I seen one. Saige got more and more spots and a fever. Chris took Saige to the doctor on Wednesday she had the chicken pox. I guess chicken pox are very rare these days. So I got Olivia home from the hospital and then we were also taking care of Saige with the chicken pox. She seems to be doing ok with it. She isn't itching but she gets fevers at least once a day. She just seems miserable. She doesn't sleep very well and she has a sore throat.
Olivia is acting like herself again and she will return to school next week. She still wants to be a doctor even after her stay in the hospital. I just want my girls to be feeling better. I hope this is the end of the sickies for awhile.
We got back Saturday night from Iowa and we started off Sunday morning with Olivia throwing up. She was sick all day long. I am not even sure she ate or drank anything that day. Monday she was still feeling yucky so I kept her home. Monday night she was acting better and playing with Saige as opposed to laying in bed which she did all day Sunday and part of Monday. Tuesday morning we were all geared up to send her back to school. She even made herself breakfast. Ten minutes after eating she was throwing up again. I knew it was time to take her to the doctor. Before leaving for the doctor I was changing Saige and noticed she had what I thought was a pimple on her stomach. I didn't think anything of it and I took her to my grandma's while I took Olivia to the doctor.
The doctor said Olivia looked awful. She was very dehydrated. They wanted to give her IV fluids at the office but they were not going to try to find a vein in her. So off to the hospital we went. We were admitted to Bryan hospital. Olivia's blood sugar was 50 so they gave her a lollipop to eat on the way. I told Olivia what was going to happen at the hospital because I didn't want her to have any surprises. It is so horrible watching your child have to get their blood drawn and an IV in. Olivia screamed and I cried right along with her. I have never heard her scream like she did when they put the IV in. Once all the was done they left her alone. She looked so tiny and frail in that big hospital bed. She wouldn't eat or drink anything Tuesday night at the hospital. She ended up getting four bags of fluid and one of potassium and sugar to get her to perk up. She finally started eating and drinking on Wednesday. I was worried she would have to stay another night, but she finally was able to keep food down.
While in the hospital with Olivia, my mom and Chris were taking care of Saige. My mom asked me if Saige had spots the last time I seen her. I said I seen one. Saige got more and more spots and a fever. Chris took Saige to the doctor on Wednesday she had the chicken pox. I guess chicken pox are very rare these days. So I got Olivia home from the hospital and then we were also taking care of Saige with the chicken pox. She seems to be doing ok with it. She isn't itching but she gets fevers at least once a day. She just seems miserable. She doesn't sleep very well and she has a sore throat.
Olivia is acting like herself again and she will return to school next week. She still wants to be a doctor even after her stay in the hospital. I just want my girls to be feeling better. I hope this is the end of the sickies for awhile.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Venting
So this is a complete vent post so if you won't want to hear it, I would stop reading now! I thought I was getting better about reading birth announcements and for the most part, I could read them and move on. But one caught me completely off guard and sent me into an angry pissed off tail spin.
I know it sounds selfish, but the person's announcement of child number three made me super angry. They seem to get pregnant so easy and seem to have life so easy. I want to be that person who can get pregnant easy and then not have to worry about things for nine months. I want my innocence back! I want that feeling of being so happy to be pregnant back. I want Asher to be here and not to have died. I want my baby boy.
In my head I also secretly hope this person doesn't have a boy because I don't have mine. I know it's selfish but I figure I can't control my feelings. I also feel like I need to get it all out because it is not good to keep it bottled up inside.
I am super glad I have friends that will listen to me when I need to be angry and upset. I feel like my feelings are what they are. No one is going through what I am at this particular stage in life so they won't know what is right or wrong. I don't know what is right or wrong on how to feel.
I just take things day by day and try to get through it. I am going to see a new doctor in a few weeks. I am glad I am done with my old doctor and I can move forward. I want another baby really bad, but I know now is not the right time for that. I hope the doctor will tell me I will be able to try for that boy in the future. I just have to know I tried for that boy.
I can't believe that Saige will be one year old in six days. Where did that year go? She grew up so fast and I miss holding that little baby. She is so independent now and doesn't want to cuddle with her mommy much any more.
Just continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I try to work through this angry time in my life. Most days I am doing good but then it seems like you get a kick in the butt and things go spiraling down hill again.
I know it sounds selfish, but the person's announcement of child number three made me super angry. They seem to get pregnant so easy and seem to have life so easy. I want to be that person who can get pregnant easy and then not have to worry about things for nine months. I want my innocence back! I want that feeling of being so happy to be pregnant back. I want Asher to be here and not to have died. I want my baby boy.
In my head I also secretly hope this person doesn't have a boy because I don't have mine. I know it's selfish but I figure I can't control my feelings. I also feel like I need to get it all out because it is not good to keep it bottled up inside.
I am super glad I have friends that will listen to me when I need to be angry and upset. I feel like my feelings are what they are. No one is going through what I am at this particular stage in life so they won't know what is right or wrong. I don't know what is right or wrong on how to feel.
I just take things day by day and try to get through it. I am going to see a new doctor in a few weeks. I am glad I am done with my old doctor and I can move forward. I want another baby really bad, but I know now is not the right time for that. I hope the doctor will tell me I will be able to try for that boy in the future. I just have to know I tried for that boy.
I can't believe that Saige will be one year old in six days. Where did that year go? She grew up so fast and I miss holding that little baby. She is so independent now and doesn't want to cuddle with her mommy much any more.
Just continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I try to work through this angry time in my life. Most days I am doing good but then it seems like you get a kick in the butt and things go spiraling down hill again.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
2015
Well it's another new year. I will say 2014 was a pretty decent year. We welcomed Saige in February which was exciting. My pregnancy with her was very scary to say the least. She is a great baby and I can't believe she is almost a year old. Time goes too fast. She is a completely different baby than Olivia was. Saige gets into trouble, she is into everything and Olivia never did that much. So she keeps me on my toes and very busy. Sometimes I wonder if Asher is helping her get into mischief. She looks so much like him. It always takes my breath away when I am holding her when she is sleeping and I look down and I am holding him all over again. At first it was kind of heartbreaking because I knew I would never hold him again. But now it is kind of comforting because I get to see him through her.
I still feel really guilty that I don't make it to the cemetery to see him much anymore. But I still think about him everyday. He will always be a big part of my life. My emotions can still be a rollercoaster I have good days and bad days. I don't think the pain will every go away it just gets different.
It's the song on the radio that gets to me or looking at a sleeping Saige, who looks so much like Asher that gets to me. This may be morbid to say, but death no longer scares me. I know that when it is my time to go, the first thing that I will see if my baby boy running towards me. I can't wait to hold him again.
2015 will be another year of many changes. I hope we will find the house we can move into. Olivia will be starting kindergarten. And I hope to find a full time job. Also my best friend is getting married and I want to take my Origami Owl business to new heights. We will see how all that goes.
But for now here is the song that reminds me of my struggle with Asher's death and how I have gotten more strong in my faith.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH9kYn4L8TI
I still feel really guilty that I don't make it to the cemetery to see him much anymore. But I still think about him everyday. He will always be a big part of my life. My emotions can still be a rollercoaster I have good days and bad days. I don't think the pain will every go away it just gets different.
It's the song on the radio that gets to me or looking at a sleeping Saige, who looks so much like Asher that gets to me. This may be morbid to say, but death no longer scares me. I know that when it is my time to go, the first thing that I will see if my baby boy running towards me. I can't wait to hold him again.
2015 will be another year of many changes. I hope we will find the house we can move into. Olivia will be starting kindergarten. And I hope to find a full time job. Also my best friend is getting married and I want to take my Origami Owl business to new heights. We will see how all that goes.
But for now here is the song that reminds me of my struggle with Asher's death and how I have gotten more strong in my faith.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH9kYn4L8TI
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Thanksgivng
Well another Holiday season is upon us. I am having trouble this year. We sold our house so most of our stuff is in storage. So I'm not completely sure where Asher's decorations for his grave are. I want to put up his Charlie Brown Christmas tree so I need to look for it. I am also feeling really guilty that I don't go visit him as often as I used to. I know he is always in my heart and thoughts but it still isn't the same to me. I just need to get out there for a visit. I still miss him so much. I don't know if the pain will ever go away. Thanksgiving is especially hard for me because I found out I was pregnant with Asher the Saturday after Thanksgiving in 2011. Then in 2012 after I had lost Asher I had to have a D & C the week of Thanksgiving for my miscarriage. I wanted to be pregnant so bad so that was a huge blow to my already broken heart.
I am so thankful this year for Olivia and now Miss Saige. Saige is growing so fast and it makes me sad that I will soon be planning her 1st Birthday. She is almost 10 months old and completely different than Olivia was. Saige is into everything and just starting to be mobile. She wants to be walking so bad but for now she has perfected the butt scoot. She will go in circles to get where she wants to be and then get on one knee and pull herself into trouble. She is into everything. Nothing is safe with her. Olivia was never like that. I always said when I was pregnant with Asher that he would be trouble. And after he died I always felt super guilty about saying that. Maybe this is Asher getting me back for that. I know he is watching out for us and enjoying watching Saige grow up.
We have had a lot of changes in the last few months with selling our house and Olivia going to school. I am soon going to be starting to look for full time work. I want to wait until Olivia is in school all day so I only have to find daycare for Saige. But I love the time I get to spend with Saige. I don't want to miss those first steps and first words. I was home with Olivia her first 9 months so I am glad I get to spend these days with Saige.
One more Thanksgiving meal to go today and then looking on to Christmas. It will be hard like it always is, but I am also excited to see Saige open her first gifts and Olivia is really starting to understand the meaning of Christmas and all that. So this year will be fun. I will visit Asher like always and know that he is there with us on Christmas and always.
I am so thankful this year for Olivia and now Miss Saige. Saige is growing so fast and it makes me sad that I will soon be planning her 1st Birthday. She is almost 10 months old and completely different than Olivia was. Saige is into everything and just starting to be mobile. She wants to be walking so bad but for now she has perfected the butt scoot. She will go in circles to get where she wants to be and then get on one knee and pull herself into trouble. She is into everything. Nothing is safe with her. Olivia was never like that. I always said when I was pregnant with Asher that he would be trouble. And after he died I always felt super guilty about saying that. Maybe this is Asher getting me back for that. I know he is watching out for us and enjoying watching Saige grow up.
We have had a lot of changes in the last few months with selling our house and Olivia going to school. I am soon going to be starting to look for full time work. I want to wait until Olivia is in school all day so I only have to find daycare for Saige. But I love the time I get to spend with Saige. I don't want to miss those first steps and first words. I was home with Olivia her first 9 months so I am glad I get to spend these days with Saige.
One more Thanksgiving meal to go today and then looking on to Christmas. It will be hard like it always is, but I am also excited to see Saige open her first gifts and Olivia is really starting to understand the meaning of Christmas and all that. So this year will be fun. I will visit Asher like always and know that he is there with us on Christmas and always.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Change of Seasons
For those who have followed me on my grief journey they know that for some reason when the seasons change it is always really hard on me. I'm not sure why. Fall is here it is getting darker earlier and I guess I have more time at home to think. I don't know why it is so emotional for me when the next season comes. And it is equally as hard since the holidays are coming up. It's hard because Asher is again not here to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas with us. I know he is having a much better Holiday season up in Heaven though.
We have been having a lot of "firsts" in our house lately. Olivia went to her first friend birthday party, she went to her first Junior Cheer Camp, and then cheered at her first football game. Oh and I can't forget her first school picture, which turned out really good. I love seeing all her firsts. She is such an amazing little girl with a bright imagination. She always comes up with something to make me laugh and smile when I am feeling down.
As bitter sweet as the holidays are for me, I am excited to get to experience all the "firsts" with Saige. Her first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. She is going to be into everything by Thanksgiving. She is so close to crawling! (If she doesn't walk first). She got her first two teeth already and they are sharp. She is going to experience her first pumpkin patch today. She went to her first football game a couple weeks ago. I have to remember all these firsts because they will not happen again.
It makes me sad that I never got to do the "firsts" with Asher. I would give anything to have him here with us. We will just continue to go visit him and celebrate the holidays with him like we always do. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month so it is a special time to remember him. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of him. I look at his picture every night before bed. Olivia has been talking about him a lot lately so she has decided we are going to get him a pumpkin today at the pumpkin patch and I know he will love it.
I will continue to take things one day at a time because that is all I can do. This journey is a roller coaster and there are times when I never know if I'm going to be up or down.
We have been having a lot of "firsts" in our house lately. Olivia went to her first friend birthday party, she went to her first Junior Cheer Camp, and then cheered at her first football game. Oh and I can't forget her first school picture, which turned out really good. I love seeing all her firsts. She is such an amazing little girl with a bright imagination. She always comes up with something to make me laugh and smile when I am feeling down.
As bitter sweet as the holidays are for me, I am excited to get to experience all the "firsts" with Saige. Her first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. She is going to be into everything by Thanksgiving. She is so close to crawling! (If she doesn't walk first). She got her first two teeth already and they are sharp. She is going to experience her first pumpkin patch today. She went to her first football game a couple weeks ago. I have to remember all these firsts because they will not happen again.
It makes me sad that I never got to do the "firsts" with Asher. I would give anything to have him here with us. We will just continue to go visit him and celebrate the holidays with him like we always do. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month so it is a special time to remember him. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of him. I look at his picture every night before bed. Olivia has been talking about him a lot lately so she has decided we are going to get him a pumpkin today at the pumpkin patch and I know he will love it.
I will continue to take things one day at a time because that is all I can do. This journey is a roller coaster and there are times when I never know if I'm going to be up or down.
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